Sometimes, like now...I want to recover. I want to be normal and eat, I want to love food again, to not worry about weight or calories. But then, also like now, I want nothing more than to starve and be beautiful. No matter the cost.
I wish that my eating disorder affected my family, I wish that my parents were worried for me. But no, it was almost too easy to convince my mother that I am only fasting for the health benefits. It is almost too easy to skip days, to not eat, to workout for hours on in, it is just too easy. Because in her mind eating disorder does not exist, especially with me. I am "too fat" for an eating disorder apparently, I "eat too much" to have an eating disorder. What does it fucking take to get my mom to care about me? Fucking Christ... OK sorry I am ranting and most of that was just stupid, of course I don't want my mom to know I have anorexia, of course I am not doing this to get my mother's attention. She is not that important to me, god. I just...wish...
It is 2:04 AM right now. My mouth is very dry, like sand paper almost. I am having small but powerful urges to eat and snack. No specific cravings, thank god, and not really wanting to eat or hungry it is mainly boredom. So I am lucky...
I got this off of "Beyond the Looking Glass" blog.
Lana del Rey <3
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