Family Portrait

I have not desired to self-harm or starve in quite some time but I feel the overwhelming since of suffocating within my own skin coming about like a crashing wave; I'm about to drown. In the same sense, I feel the undeniable numbness of a looming depression, it threatens me like lurking black clouds. 

My parents don't have the happiest marriage; they let things build up and when it bubbles up to its peak, it explodes from their mouths with an unstoppable force like they are spitting spears into each other's hearts.  There are screams of betrayal and hate from both goliaths, and both forget I'm even there, shaking and teary-eyed as I am forced to listen. If only I could have run away from it all. 

I don't much feel like talking anymore, or even existing, my skin itches, begging me to scratch it off and I just want to disappear into the wind, find some place to be happy and find enough love within myself that I can live off of. I don't need other people or this family of mine that's taught me nothing but self-loathing and insecurity.

If I could, I would break every mirror in the house so they could see the truth of their warped faces beneath the facade of happiness. It hurts to know your mother steals from you and your father, and to know that your father is at the point of leaving. 

I think the giving of thanks on Thursday has been reduced to a big feast and forced get together that I, now, refuse to attend. I don't want to eat, and while I promised myself and tried to make it official through the space I put between myself and this blog.. It is inescapable. I will never escape my eating disorder it never goes away, it is a demon with claws so long and deeply gouged into my back that my bones will be the only proof of the scars 

I hurt. And I was an idiot to think I would ever recover.

Something New

I apologize for my inexplicable absence of late... To be honest there is really nothing new to add here, I may or may not have lost weight but I have noticed a sizable amount from my midsection's sides disappear.

I am not here to post about progress though; but rather I am here to say that I am not so adamant about making my whole life revolve around my "pro-ana" lifestyle in which is shown through my numerous blogs, folders of thinspo and desire to be a walking bone because I can't stand myself and I don't deserve food.

I have reconnected with God, and began to pray a lot recently and I can't shake the feeling that this blog and my encouragements to you to starve are...less than pleasing to God. 

I have thought about deleting it, changing it to a "pro-health", or whatever but I feel like neither were really good answers as this blog has obviously helped a lot of people get through some stuff or at least gave them a few tools to work through it on their own. 

So I will keep this blog up and running, but just know that when I make a post about anything it will be about healthy workout plans, healthy "diets", and healthy foods... I don't want to say I'm "cured" of my eating disorder because even that is pretty far-fetched. I still pass reflective surfaces and pinch my fat, I still feel sick when I see my fat, and I still struggle with making myself eat or making myself stop sometimes... 

But,

I refuse to encircle my life with "ANOREXIANOREXIANOREXIA" because that does not help me either, and I have found that the more I try to follow the "pro-ana" lifestyle the fatter I get because my eating disorder is not just starvation, it is binging too... So I am working on eating only healthy foods (I control the unhealthy crap in which I will allow to enter me)...

BOTTOM LINE:

I will still post here, just not as much and it won't be "pro-ana"-related; more so just healthy workouts and workout regimens, stress-relievers, detox diets, et cetra...

If you would like to follow my more inspirational blogs either to keep up with me or just because, then here are the links:

• http://christiscomingback.tumblr.com
• http://christiscomingagain.blogspot.com