Has anyone else... lost ana? Could have been for a few months, few weeks or even a few years. Not by choice, not for recovery, but simply because you developed binge eating or Ana turned into EDNOS? 

Ugh... October... Since freaking OCTOBER I have been binging, eating "normally", feeling guilty but without the ability to stop it. I hate myself. Can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. 

I want her..it.. back, like seriously this is literally KILLING me! Not having any control over it, basically blacking out or going numb as I stuff my face with everything I can get my hands on everyday, only to come to my senses and try to burn it off in any way I can. But it won't matter, I can burn those calories and then some, but you know as well as I, that when you eat, you feel fatter, heavier, uglier, and no amount of calories you burn off will change that, only days of gaining your self-control will. Ugh. I want to be hungry and starve, I want the numbers to drop. I miss it so much, I can't stop it. It is like a tidal wave crashing over me. 

WAH-SAH-BEE

Wasabi is a freaking God-send!

So I had never been inside until a few days ago but there is a 100% natural and organic health food store right up the road from my house and guess what they have? Wasabi SEAWEED!!!

I plan to fast like usual and only eat Wasabi seaweed (it is like 10$ a pack) because it is so expensive my parent refuse to buy me enough for a week. Much like every new food I try and fall in love with, this is what I want and all I want and I refuse to eat anything except for this! 

My sister says eating nothing but wasabi and spicy foods, as well as drinking lots of water and cayenne/lemon water will burn a LOT of fat.<3

December Eating

Ah December.. My second least favourite month for several reasons (the first and only reason being the holiday binge fest)

• Because of course every social get together, every 'thank you' basket/gift, every party involves food, refreshments and sweets. Right? Right. 

So what do we do about this? How do we get through it?

Some Tips:

• Just like thanksgiving have a small breakfast or lunch (or keep a handful of nuts and eat a few whenever hunger starts getting a bite to it) this should keep hunger at bay before you eat out/the big feast.

• Instead of getting big plates get smaller ones, all the same size then simply make a list of everything you think will be at the feast, this way you will realize HOW MUCH food there will be so you can get only a little bit of each thing instead of huge amounts. 

• Drink lots of water and cayenne or lemon water, this will keep you full and work your metabolism.

IF YOU ARE EATING OUT

• Do NOT order anything with thick/creamy sauces, no pastas or desserts, look for something like fish, preferably salmon (that is clean and has very little calories) or salads, if you have to order a side with your meal or know you will then bring an empty purse and order a non-messy side (something like fries) and put a little bit in your purse through out the evening.

• Cut/divide your entree in half, either share with someone else or you can eat 1/4 of your entree, drink lots of diet coke (or whatever diet drink you got) and say you are full, if they say you hardly ate just nonchalantly point out that it must be how much soda you drank.  Get a to-go box and put the rest in there, pretend to forget it and if someone points it out pretend you are just being forgetful that day and just throw it out when you get home.

• EAT SLOWLY!!!!! CHEW THOROUGHLY!!! What I do is take a bit, chew real slow and put it in the side of my mouth, take a sip of my drink, swallow and then continue shewing the same food that was already in my mouth so it looks like I took two bites, or put a lot in. 

• Eat a handful of nuts or some fresh veggies (like carrots) before you go to eat. Pre-plan if you know where you are going look at the menu online, pick out 5 things that look good and find out how many calories are in it online.

FEASTING AT HOME

• Again, have a small meal/snack right before the feast, try to do some Cardio or metabolism yoga before the feast, this will shock your system enough that you won't be all that hungry (in fact it may make you not want to eat at all because of doing a workout)
• Plan out for the day exactly what you are and aren't aloud to eat (this helps if the feast is at someone else's house or in case you don't know exactly what will be at the feast) some examples: no dairy, no red meat, no meat at all, no sweets, nothing with a sauce, no etc.etc.

Basically all you can do is plan ahead, keep self-control in mind and remember your goals! Weigh yourself before you eat, wear something you wish looked better on you, look at clothes you want really bad online, look at a hairstyle you want (for me it is dreads) remember throughout the feast: those clothes won't look good if I put more weight on, I want to be skinny so I can reward myself with a new wardrobe, that hairstyle doesn't look good on fat people) 

:) Good luck my loves!!! Oh....

NO Salt!!!

NO creamy cheesy foods

and ALWAYS spice everything on your plate (if you can) with crushed red pepper/cayenne

Seriously, some thinspo in here for everyone:)

Watch this with "Turn Me On" on (my new playlist)

So... I think I have a heart disease? I was lying in bed and walked to the living room to see what my mom wanted and mid-sentence my heart started pounding and I was seeing black, I put her hand to my chest, laughing it off saying, "told you my heart was being funny" she said nothing, just..dropped it. I mean it has done it in many cases besides that, like standing still...or sitting? I hope it kills me. 

I did... a very...very bad thing and it scares me. Even though I practically hate the world right now, anyway... 

I mentioned to my dad my mother wanted a divorce in a conversation about how their unhappiness shouldn't last much longer...and he said SOMETHING (she wouldn't tell me, flat out said to me face "I don't trust you, maybe I did once but things change and so have you") to her that made her realize he knew she was planning on divorcing him, and kept asking me and my sister if we said something, anything or if we knew anyone who could have.......I know I shouldn't feel so guilty, she constantly tells him after fights 

"well we should just get a divorce then"

"Fine then lets just get a divorce" 

"Well then we can just get a fucking divorce and you can go stay with your girlfriend you lying bastard" 

And yet here she is wondering why he has put two and two together that she is planning on leaving him. 

I feel trapped. So trapped. In this body. In this house. In this fucking world. I can't even cry anymore, I have held it in so long that even when I try to cry, the pain just deepens