The other day my sister, mother and I were standing around in the kitchen just talking when all of the sudden weight and eating came up and my mother kept talking about how she has lost "20 pounds in a two weeks" and my sister kept congratulating her; she then proceeded to look at me and sighed.
She and my mother started bombarding me with tips on what I should do to lose more weight; my mom is heavier than I am and is in the obese range! She lost 20 pounds of water weight and she acts like she is just Ana in the flesh! My sister infuriated me, telling me not to raise my voice and to lose the "tone" in my voice every time I got offended by their remarks.
She, my sister, kept saying I just need to eat healthier; I replied that there is nothing healthy in this house.
"Then don't eat," she replied.
I glared at her and my mother chimed in with, "What I do...is I regulate my portions."
I could have slapped them both; I was screaming so loud on the inside and my feet ached...begging me to run away right then and never look back.
I just want a mother who is not judgmental and a sister who doesn't give a fuck what my weight is.
I'M NOT THE PERFECT FUCKING DAUGHTER/SISTER! I GET IT.
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Later that week my sister and I were in her car, on our way to her house and she brought up fitness for some reason; this lead to a piercing silence to which she broke with,
"See, that is the difference between you and me Jezebel. I'm a fighter, I have willpower."
She didn't say anything after that, realizing how awful that came out and then started staring at me, constantly glancing so I had to turn it into a joke and laugh it off saying, "don't look at me!" Following that, despite my miserable humility, with a giggle.
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On one hand I want to binge and stuff my face, just to piss them off.
On the one hand, I want to starve and work my ass off to make them both shut the hell up; but the thought of hearing them congratulate me makes me sick to my stomach.
I can't win! Either way I will be unhappy. If I could just make it to the double digits and then they won't be proud. They'll be worried sick and I can laugh in their faces because they're the monsters that did it to me.
To all those of you who actually want a family that supports your disorder/eating habits or whatever... I can tell you right now you don't. It is the worst pain .. .I cannot even explain... It hurts so much to have to listen to your own family criticize you and tell you to not eat, call you weak; to have your own family not even realize you have an eating disorder...and be the ultimate source of it.
I have to live with that every day and at the same time my mother always brings home crap food and asks me 30 times to eat it and will make me dinner or whatever without even asking me.. then she will turn around and say I eat too much and need to try and control myself.
It feels a hell of a lot better to have your parents tell you they are worried, or for them to force you to eat.. I promise.
