Current

Sunday: 200 calories

Monday: 200 calories

Tuesday: 0 calories

Wednesday: 0 calories

Thursday: 200 calories

Friday: 0 calories

Saturday: 200 calories

It is actually quite easy for me to "not eat" than it is for me to try and restrict to a certain number of calories; It is so hard to fight that insufferable urge to binge when I break a fast. It is not even that 200 calories doesn't fill me up for the day, because on any given day I can eat 1 chip and be happy with that, but when I fast and then go into a restricting day.. oh my gosh

 I already have my eating planned out and I am hoping that I can go to sleep as soon as I finish so that way I cannot eat anything afterwards, and when I wake up I will take an adderall to cut off my appetite... 

oh and a tip from personal experience: 

If you Binge a lot on Low Calorie Diets:

I know you don't want to hear this but...you need to start at a reasonable calorie intake. If you have been eating in the recommended 2000-1200 calorie range, then how do you expect your body to just magically adjust to a strict and restrictive diet? It won't, it will retaliate out of fear and make you binge. 

There are 2 scenarios:

• You eat 1200 calories every day for a week, and cut 200 calories from that number as the weeks go by, thus your stomach will start shrinking...leading to you requiring less and less food; You will work your way down to 200 calories a day and find that, that is actually the perfect amount for you and you will lose lots of weight. 

Or

•  You can get impatient, after years of binging, and eating 2000 calories you decide you want to jump right into eating 200 calories a day and it leaves you ravenous for more so you do everything you can to distract yourself, but you give in. This is too hard, you think; so you give up and go back to your old eating habits.

Which scenario do you want? Be patient, you did not put the weight on over night, and it isn't coming off that way either. Just because you fast or immediately go down to 200 calories after a 2000 calorie diet does not mean you will automatically shed the weight right off.. you will more than likely just put it back on and then some. 

Just saying <3

Anti-Pro Ana?? Part 1

Oh my goodness, please, I wish these people would get a grip; there is a massive difference between supporting recovery/wanting to stop pro-ana and unintentionally bashing every single person who suffers from an eating disorder.

Like, how fucking dare you say someone does not have an eating disorder, or set the standards for having one if you have never even had anything SIMILAR to an eating disorder.

Do you honestly think you will benefit someone, save a life, or whatever by telling young, and obviously impressionable girls and gents, that they are stupid, liars, pathetic and so on because they are supporting each other to stay alive? That it is "all in there head" and "just another failed attempt at dieting"...

Whether a girl has anorexia or not, if she is even trying to practice the habits of any eating disorder then obviously something is very, very wrong. 

Ugh, just... you're not helping anyone, so stop. 

Obviously, I know that just because you skip one or two or even four meals every once in a while, that you are not anorexic; I know that just because you may experience two or three symptoms, it does not mean you have an eating disorder.

But how dare you say, that someone who has an eating disorder, that does only skip one or two meals a week, that only experiences three or four symptoms is any less of a person, has any less pain--than someone who suffers with all the symptoms, who never eats. 

Anorexia is different for EVERYONE. Not every anorectic is overweight or underweight, not every anorectic shows an abnormal eating pattern! 

You can eat normal, three times a day, but exercise your ass off to burn every calorie while still maintaining a normal weight and still have anorexia so shut the hell up if you are not a doctor, therapist, psychiatrist or ... you know what, how about you just don't fucking worry about whether someone is diagnosed or not?

If someone is looking a "thinspo" and desires to starve him or herself, then they deserve someone to tell them that they have been heard, and you are willing to help them through this; not some pretentious bitch know-it-all telling them they don't have anything wrong with them, and that they are pathetic for "wanting" and eating disorder"

No one WANTS anorexia, and if you do then you are already suffering from some form of chemical imbalance or mental illness! You are already suffering from body dysmorphia or depression or eating problem.

No mentally/emotionally/physically healthy person looks up pictures of thin guys/girls and thinks "hm, I think I want to starve myself and talk to other people who starve themselves"

So if you want to actually HELP someone, then talk to them like a decent person and help them find another way to cope with whatever it is they are going through. Otherwise you are only contributing to the growing number of teens and adults who are killing themselves everyday trying to obtain something they'll never have:

control

acceptance

love

comfort 

So next time, before you think to yourself "why in the hell would anyone want Anorexia, they're obviously faking", ask yourself this: "What in the hell could have destroyed this person's self-esteem so much, they'd reduce themselves to nothing, something not even worth the amount of food it takes to stay alive"

Anorexic Mentality

You know it really frustrates me when people say "just eat; if you want to lose weight, then just eat healthy and exercise"; like, I understand that they're just trying to be helpful and all, but it really isn't. In fact that is probably a really big trigger for me, so I know it has got to be bad for at least some other anorectics as well. 

I can't speak for everyone, but this is not about losing weight in the sense that I want to be healthy and look "pretty" by society's standards. This is about my need to be empty, to feel clean, it is about me feeling like I am drowning in my own body, and my only way to break away is to not eat and wait for my bones to jut out. So... for me it was once superficial, then it became about control, now it is about... well-- I am not really sure... I guess the need to be free? 

Anorectics get hungry; we don't just "think" about food, we obsess over it; we crave, we dream of food; it is not like if you shove a plate of fries to me I am going to be completely revolted. I want them, I want so badly to take a handful and shove them down my throat; this is not about control, it is all about being controlled. 

It used to be so hard to "fast" (I don't like calling it that anymore, seeing as it is never intentional anymore), it used to be so hard to keep my calories under 1000 a day; now it is like two days could pass and I wouldn't even realize because I would still be obsessing about the last thing I ate and how fat it is going to make me. 

It is like there is a constant war in my mind; I want people to notice that I am in pain, but at the same time it infuriates me when people try to take this away from me, it is me. You can't just take a part of me away. 

It is never about the health or the health issues, you just get to that point where... you don't care if you die; you keep thinking "just a few more pounds" but then you lose them, and it is never enough; no matter how much you lose, you will always want to lose more, you will always be disappointed with yourself, disgusted that you didn't lose more.

I have a hard time ingesting anything now that is not water without feeling like I just ruined everything; like the world is crashing around me; I haven't been on the scale in so long, I am afraid to even look at it anymore. 

I wish I could say this is glamorous because I know the desire to starve, the need to be thin; I know the frustration of wanting Anorexia or at least the ability to practice it and not being able to. But, this is not glamorous at all.

 I can't look in mirrors without seeing a whale of a girl staring back at me, I only have two outfits I can wear now because I have breakdowns when I put something on and it points out just one more flaw. 

I'm not going to say I want healthy girls to seek out Ana or help them on their journey with her, because I don't. I wish the only people that found this blog were those already exposed to Ana. 

Please--if you are just looking for a quick fix, a fast way to lose weight, or something glamorous because you think it is what all the cool people do: 

leave; run as far and fast as you can.

Anorexia does not make everyone skinny, but it destroys every living soul it touches; it will stay with you for the rest of your life, and whether you think you will get sucked in or not I can say now that you will. Everyone does. 

I never realized quite how disrespectful I came/come across when I say that I am Pro-Ana because there are girls who have died, are dying, will have severe health problems for the rest of their lives and there are girls who come onto the internet and LOOK for that. 

Just--don't.

Hm

So I'm 24 hours into a fast I didn't even know I was doing; yesterday I had 407 calories total... uh and I took an aderrall today also and that speeds up your central nervous system so your heart rate, metabolism and so on are all sped up. I hope that means I burned off yesterday's colossal amount of calories.

I am feeling much better emotionally, now that I have my eating back under control and I feel...clean, I guess you could call it. The only downside to my being back on track is the constant cold and tiredness (graciously accompanied by insufferable insomnia). 

I just love this picture (below) her legs are so perfect

Not mine, of course; one could only wish to be so inspiring

“An eating disorder.

This is not about food.

This is not about looking good in a dress or wanting to be a supermodel. This is not about wanting the cute guys to turn their heads and stare at your beauty. This is not about going to a store, sliding a size zero skirt over your hipbones, and laughing all the way to the check out counter.

This is not about wanting attention. This is not about enjoying feeling death and refusing food until you need to be force fed with a tube in an ICU. It is not about deliberately pissing off the nurses on the ED unit by hiding your clif bar and boost under your sweatshirt and stashing butter in the bed pans. It is not about selfless starving for all the children in Africa. It is not about the latest fad diet or losing the holiday weight. It is not about reading fashion magazines and pining for the Body Mass Index of Paris Hilton’s pet Chihuahua. It is not about getting a good man/woman. It is not about religion, G-d, the media or culture.

This is about having the self-esteem of an insect. This is a polite way of committing suicide. This is about having no life because it’s impossible to go out with friends to a restaurant and order a bowl of dry lettuce. This is about weighing, measuring and counting pasta, cereal, raisins and anything that passes your lips, including toothpaste. This is about secrets and lies and shame. This is about not wanting to admit that you need to eat. That you deserve to live.

This is about being scared. This is about being terrified. Of everything.

This is about control. This is about numbing away the feelings of abuse. This is about starving away the pain. This is about wanting to disappear as to not be taken advantage of again. This is about hiding under layers of clothing that are mostly black so that no one sees your womanly body. This is about non verbal communication. This is about avoiding. This is about denying the past. This is about intense self hatred.

This is about needing so much that you can’t stand it. This is about wanting to not need anything at all. This is about not wanting to be touched but afraid to be let go. This is about having emotions that bubble up and spill out and scare people away. This is about being so overwhelmed and traumatized that it’s easier to avoid everything by obsessing over the amount of calories in a grapefruit. It is about getting lost in the mirror and scale instead taking responsibility and just f*cking dealing.

This is about wanting to be safe. This is about wanting to curl up in a nutshell and ignore the big bad world that’s too noisy and dangerous and can’t be trusted. This is about not trusting anyone and relying on food (or lack of) to give you an all enveloping comfort blanket when the feelings bloat you up and make you feel fat, ugly and intolerable in your skin.

This is about really crappy coping methods. This is about a way of life you’ve known for 13 years. This is about habit and second nature. This is about making a choice that will quite possibly kill you. This is about chaotic relationships, hospitalizations, devastated families, worried friends, treatment programs, trying and failing, and more hospitalizations. This is about losing your period, failed kidneys, and hollow bones. This is about cardiac arrest at age 21. This is about being sick. This is about not being sick enough to think you need, or agree to go into, treatment. This is about being so sick that you have to be court ordered into a hospital.

This is about trying to be understood. This is about fighting with all you’ve got and more hard work than you ever imagined. This is about exhaustion and tears and needing support. This is about fighting a battle with yourself and the world. This is about trying to survive.

This is not about food.”

— (via beautifullyrecover-ed)

Ugh - It is a WASTE

I'm so beyond sick of school and my family; 

I am in so much pain from not being able to cry , I have to literally schedule out times for when I can break down and cry. Most people think that is ridiculous, i mean... who the heck can decide when to and when not to break down..? 

Me. Apparently.

I have got about a month's worth of late work in one of my classes, 7 classes total that I am struggling with (and I must make A's and B's or I will fail), and in just a couple weeks I have to pay $50.00 and drive to a building a city away and take the ACT, a big test (most other states take the SAT). 

When I try to explain how stressed I am, my mother simply says:

 "Well...get it done, you spend all day sleeping or on your computer, you should be studying."

She is literally home for an hour maybe two hours before she goes to sleep, she then wakes up and goes to work. She is never home during the day to know what I do.

I am so fucking sick... I just want to leave, but that would get me arrested and possibly detained. 

So, yeah.

Fuck you America!

Thank G-d for Adderall though, right?  Without that I think I'd probably just break right now.

Bones over Comfort

Stop your crying, the sun has already set my love.

Grab your laxatives, stretch out your legs; pick up some weights and move.

Tomorrow we'll work together, the voices will still be there to whisper sweetly:

don't eat.