This is a ProAna blog, it is not intended to help you get an Eating disorder but help those who already have one!

Friday, September 28, 2012

28, Sept., 2012

Gave up on ABC diet now doing the Cabbage soup Diet (which I will explain at the end of post if you want to try it)... Because of its lack of calories it is not recommended to do it longer than a week. 

You can lose up to 11 pounds doing this diet, but I am aiming for 15-20+ since on certain days you eat veggies/fruits along with the soup and even have a meat day, I won't be doing that i will only be eating the soup all week, also I didn't use everything it called for (did not use: beef bouillon cube, peppers or beef broth) Lastly, will be drinking nothing but water on this, no coffee or tea or energy drinks. I plan to only do this for a week but perhaps I will do it longer if I am not too light headed or sick. 


Cabbage soup diet:

Instructions:
Eat as much cabbage soup as you desire for seven days and you can lose 10 to 15 pounds. The recipe varies slightly, but basically includes a variety of low-calorie vegetables such as cabbage, onions and tomatoes, flavored with bouillon, onion soup mix and tomato juice. Each day of the seven-day program has specific foods that must be eaten, including potatoes, fruit juice, many vegetables, and on one day, beef.




Day One:
Eat only fruit, all the fruit you want except banana.
Drink unsweetened tea, black coffee, cranberry juice and water.
Eat as much soup as you like.


Day Two:
All you want - fresh, raw or cooked vegetables of your choice.
Stay away from dry beans, peas and sweet corn.
Reward yourself with a big baked potato with butter for dinner.
Eat as much soup as you like, but no fruit for today.


Day Three:
Combine days one and two, eat as much fruit, vegetables and soup as you like but no baked potato.


Day Four:
Eat as many as eight bananas and drink as many glasses of skim milk as you would like on this day, along with your soup.
This day is supposed to lessen your desire for sweets.


Day Five:
You may have 10-20 ounces of beef (300-500g) and a large tin or up to six fresh tomatoes.
Drink at least 6 to 8 glasses of water this day to wash the uric acid from your body.
Eat your soup at least once today.
You may eat broiled or baked chicken (skinless) instead of beef. If you prefer, you can substitute broiled fish for the beef.


Day Six:
Eat beef and vegetables today.
You can even have 2 or 3 steaks if you like, with fresh vegetables or salad.
NO BAKED POTATO.
Eat your soup at least once.


Day Seven:
Brown rice, unsweetened fruit juices and vegetables all you want.
Be sure to eat your soup at least once to day.





Cabbage Soup Recipe


Ingredients:
1 - 46 oz. can V8 juice
1 - 14.5 oz. can of diced tomatoes
6 medium stalks of celery (approx. 1 cup)
1/2 medium cabbage, red or green (approx. 6 cups)
1 medium onion (approx. 1 cup) (Lillie prefers the sweet onions such as Vidalia)
6 medium carrots (Or pre-sliced to equal 1 1/2 cups)
2 medium green peppers (approx. 2 cups) (red and/or yellow can also be used)
1 envelope of Lipton Beefy Onion Soup Mix
1 - 14 oz. can Swanson's Lower Sodium Beef Broth
1 beef bouillon cube or package
1 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. black pepper... or to taste




Directions:
Chop and dice veggies. Add all ingredients into a large stock pot. Add water if necessary to bring liquids to almost twice the depth of the veggies in the pot. Bring to a boil, and stir as needed. Cook on low heat for about 2 hours... or until all the veggies are soft.
Other seasonings such as curry, parsley, or any other spices or herbs to suit your taste.
You may substitute Low Sodium V8 Juice and the resulting Sodium will be 321mg instead of 476mg per serving.




Recipe makes about 18 - 1 cup servings


Nutrition Facts per Serving (one cup):
Calories 50
Calories from fat 2
Total Fat 0.2g
Saturated Fat 0g
Cholesterol 0 mg
Sodium 476 mg
Total Carbohydrate 10.4g
Dietary Fiber 2.4 g
Protein 1.5g

Ana Buddies

Okay so I figured to make it easier on all those posting their e-mails in comments or asking for ana buddies in the comments, just tell my your e-mail and name and I will post it on my new "Ana Buddies" page, also I will promote blog links on that page if you want. 


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Binging and Lost?

Oh my god I am one lucky beyotch...

I BINGED yesterday:

  • One veggie delite from subway (6"): 230
  • Tuna on wheat (I failed...): 240
  • one cookie: 210
  • 1 slice of pizza: 260
  • 1 crisp: 10 
  • Krave (cereal) (this is approximate because I binged, wasn't measuring): 240

Total: 1190....

Yet, I went to bed like 143.6 now I am 141.4... So confused but I won't question it, thank you Ana!!!!!

Monday, September 24, 2012

24, Sept., 2012

OK, all is well, I heard that he is just taking a break from everything and that his computer broke so he can't get on to tell his friends he was leaving for a while.

I should add that it was not just out of the blue that I assumed something happened to him, he did not reply to anyone who said happy birthday last week and a long time ago (a year to the date) he said I was the reason he had not killed himself like he planned to so I was extremely worried. 

Fasting

Back to square one, on day 1 of my fast about 17 or 18 and a half hours into it and I am 141.8 again. FINALLY back to the starting weight I was at about a week or so ago. 

I am pretty damn proud of myself, I took a cold shower to burn some easy calories (you can burn approximately 400-800 calories by taking an hour long cold shower) and then I got out and my mom just waltzed in not even freaking knocking and offered me a plate with a tuna on wheat sandwich (what the hell?) I immediately said no, I don't want that and I  took the water bottle she brought with her and she left defeated. YES!!!
 I am proud because the hunger pains are very painful (though I do enjoy them as I haven't felt hungry in a while and it is soooooo much better than being full!!!), making me nauseated, and I was this close to going to the kitchen after the shower to chew and spit but seeing my mother offer food like that (which she never ever does, she always sabotages me when she knows I am losing weight) it pissed me off and reminded me of what I am doing, my goals, and what is important. 


Because being thin is way more pleasurable then taking a bite of that sandwich and feeling like crap the whole time for failing yourself.

And I refuse to fail myself any longer, refuse to have my mom and dad snicker when they see I am trying to fast and lose more weight because they think I can't do it. Well no more, I will show them all that I can and will be skinny! :)

I Love you all, stay strong it is so worth it<3

Sunday, September 23, 2012

I don't know when I will post again....

My best friend is missing and I don't know if he committed suicide or not because I have no contact with him...

Goodbye

Saturday, September 22, 2012


Fast is going great... I am having trouble ingesting anything including water, my heart feels like it is going to burst free from my chest every time I even think about eating. My weight is creeping up and I am tired of that, getting fat is not an option. 

I want this so bad:

It is so perfect.... </3

22, Sept., 2012

143.2? I think that was the number hold on...wrong 143.8 
Anyway I am fasting for the next few days a black coffee, 100% juice, broth fast... I will probably throw in random "water only" days to intensify it and to speed up weight loss.

I figured out I have an intolerance to pizza which is awesome since that is my only real weakness... 

I have no problem fasting anymore unless there is pizza or brownies in the house (of which I will just throw away and lie and say I ate them) the pizza wouldn't matter 'cuz I cannot eat it anyway. 



Ugh I feel so empty and alone..
I isolate myself from everyone, I never see my parents even though we live in the same house, never see or talk to my sister (but that is mainly her doing, she is too busy) none of my family lives in this state... and none of my "friends" give two flying fucks about me so of course they are not jumping at the chance to talk to me.. 

Wah I am mopey again.. or still, rather. I don't mean to be so depressed, I have not done a normal post in forever, no information for you.. ugh... I am so sorry :(

Friday, September 21, 2012

Tips to go unnoticed

  • Smile, it works trust me...they won't ask questions if they think you are happy, just smile and laugh always, when your around someone, smile. Just do it, no matter how much it hurts to fake it, it is worth it. 
  • Lie. 
  • Don't mention weight loss, if you are fat and losing weight I understand your excitement. Contain it. 

Seriously, hide EVERYTHING. Bottle it up. When your alone, let it out--
cry as loud as you want
Scream into your pillow
I heard drawing is pretty distracting
look at thinspo

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

Whoever you are..if you are reading this I love you, I do truly, honestly do not care who you are, what you have done...but I know you have only read this far because you are struggling and for that I want you to know you are loved

True confession?


One teeny tiny confession? 

It's a bit nasty so I apologize in advance...

True confession#1:

I want to be thin more than anything else in the entire world. I will do anything to become thin, I don't care who I hurt or lose along the way. I build walls and push people away because being thin, of course, is the most important thing in the entire world to me, it is everything. 

I have lost all interest in making friends and trying to keep them. 

Why 1/2 ass do two things when you can whole ass do one thing? Might as well make that one thing something you actually care about... right?

Thursday, September 20, 2012

How do I do it? Seriously how in the living fuck do I do it? 940 calories yesterday, without trying 940 calories today. 


4 fucking slices of spinach and feta artisan pizza. FOUR fucking slices.

That is:
  • Carb: 68
  • Protein: 24
  • Fat: 28
  • Calories: 600

2 Brownies:
180 calories per brownie
61% Carbs
4% protein
34% fat


Kill me now, just shoot me in the freaking head right now!

I am so SICK of my fat mother bringing fattening food home, if it is not one thing it is another I am so stressed out I just fucking now get rid of the brownies today how the hell am I supposed to throw this out?? I have to get out of here I can't stand it anymore!! If she wants to stay a fat fucking cow for the rest of her life then so be it, it is whatever she wants to do with her life, but don't you dare push that shit onto me and make me eat it in hopes that I stay fat and unhappy for the rest of my life with you. 

Seriously considering running away just so I can get away from everyone, so sick of being surrounded by people who don't understand, who want to keep me fat, they all want to keep me fat!!




Thinspi-lovely-ration


Because no one thinks a fat girl looks cute or innocent



Who is she? Seriously I need to know because she is the most angelic, beautiful, perfect person I have ever seen I mean look at those freaking LEGS!! Her calves are so perfectly slim :(

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy

Fucked up my fast by eating a brownie (340 calories) so I am throwing the rest away and I don't give a flying fuck if my parents get mad, they will not get in my way of perfection. 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Halloweeennnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!

holy fuck, if ANYTHING is going to cheer me up ladies and gentlemen, it is this bad-ass holiday!! 

My bestfriend happens to be friends with this guy who used to work at the mall that I had a major crush on (let me tell you the story):

I was at the mall with my friend C and she and I were at Chic-fil-a getting her something to eat, I was watching her in line when I saw this sexy guy with black hair falling to his mid back wearing a top hat right behind her. Being the creepy fan-girl I am I kept glancing at him and to my surprise he was doing the same so I smiled at him and after that he stopped looking at me, got his food and left. Depressed I watched C eat to cheer me up and told her about the cutie who had left, she was like "OMG he works at Spencer's!!" (I then realized he left because he was on his lunch break not because some creeper was smiling at him) so when she finished we left and went to Spencer's to go stalk the hell out of him (haha) we went in there and after 5 minutes of looking around decided to walk around the mall and come back later because we could not find him. We walk out and I am like "wait I see him at the counter" so we walk back in, but it was not him so we turn to leave but C runs into him!! xD he had drinks and he almost spilt them on himself it went:

Him: Oh shit! 
C:  Oh my God I didn't see you, I am so sorry, are you okay?!
Him: Oh no-no, it is all good
*he turns to me after regaining his balance and trying to be cool again, smirks*
Him: by the way, I love your hair

I love that memory but when I remember what I did I want to crawl in a fucking hole and die!! I fucking gaped at him.... My mouth hung open and I blushed... I fucking blushed ARGH such a little girl lol

ANYWAY

My best friend happens to know this guy and goes to his Halloween parties every year so she invited me and I want to look sexy (more like border-line slutty) which...I never do but I want to catch his eye because you don't understand this guy is sexy as hell he is androgynous ♥

**PLEASE IF YOU FIND A SEXY HALLOWEEN COSTUME LEAVE A LINK IN THE COMMENTS**

I FOUND THESE BUT...I AM THINKING THEY ARE TOO SLUTTY FOR 15:
(Kandy Korn Witch Sexy Costume)

(Sexy Angel Costume)





Tuesday, September 18, 2012

19, Sept., 2012

You know what the worst feeling ever is? Fullness.

Worse than the sharp stabbing pain of hunger, worse than the agonizingly intense chocolate cravings, worse than the hateful voice inside your head.

What is worse then fullness? Seeing the angry red glow of a number you swore you would never see again: 145.0

I am fasting today (it is just now 12:30 am so only 30 minutes into it) and I cannot wait until the hunger sets in.

I want to be in the 130s so bad.. I don't think I want to eat until I am in the 130s.. now that I have my mind set I won't.. this is probably why I am falling behind in school I am focusing every ounce of my attention and energy on losing weight. Not eating is not even an issue, I hate the way it makes me feel and have come to grow angry when someone offers food, and I fear the scale more than anything and yet at the same time I love it, so I must starve and workout until the numbers read 139... 

18, Sept., 2012

I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity, I feel awful when people can relate it breaks my heart to know someone is dealing with this same pain, I don't want you to feel obligated to comfort me...there are no words that can heal these wounds. This is simply a dark time in my life in which I need to rant here because no one can know how broken I am inside.
 
I hate food, I hate pizza..the soggy cheese that flops around in your mouth, breaking apart over your tongue and swirling around with your saliva...the dry dusty bread, the nasty sauce. I hate chocolate, the sweetness that dries out my mouth, the nasty way it melts in your hands sticking to your fingers. 

It is easier to fast, not because I don't want to gain weight but simply because people foring me to eat makes me realize how lucky I am to be able to go without eating in times like this, when I'm alone, and because I have been so depressed...food makes my heart want to burst, and because I want to be--need to be perfect for my love, when he comes to visit....
 
I'm so cold... My stomach feels weird because all I can feel is air moving around, and hearing the gurgling sounds makes me feel dizzy as I fight the urge to check the scale once more. I do that quite often now, pee: run to the scale, eat: run to the scale, burp: run to the scale, put on a different outfit: run to the scale, see myself in the mirror: run to the scale. 
 
I know you probably don't want to hear this... I have been a pathetic fuck for too long I know but i cannot help it...
 
I miss my friends, the ones that have moved away, my heart is breaking, I yearn for them, the minute I feel happy around someone new I remind myself that friendship is temporary and only leads to pain and my walls come back thicker and colder than before as if to remind me I am not in control.
 
It hurts me that my best friend in the entire fucking world will be having her 16th birthday without me because she lives to far away now.
 
Sometimes I feel like this blog and that girl are my only ties to this world, the only reason I am still here...
 
My parents every time they cross paths (which is rare...they are never home, let alone at the same time), or on the phone there is always a fight. It breaks my heart to see them both in so much pain, kills me that niether of them can break it off because of me... I just want to run away from it all, I have to get out of here or I will go off the fucking deep end.
 
I watch my mother die a little inside every single day, I watch the tears slip from her eyes, I carry her as she leans on me wanting comfort and the certainty that someone is on her side, and now I cry in the middle of the night because I know that no matter what happens, tomorrow I will have to smile and pretend that my mother didn't just cry on my shoulder, that my best friend didn't just tell me she would rather be dead, that my father is dying, that my sister is too busy to care for me, that no one is my family sees me, I will smile, and say that I am all right and wait for someone else to push me down and expect me to get up on my own and carry them on my back.
 


Sunday, September 16, 2012

16, September, 2012

Oh my god... omg 142.4!! I have not been below 144 since I relapsed into Ana let alone 142!! I completely skipped 143! I will be 139 in no time ugh I am so happy!! :)

I won't feel safe in the 130's until I am like balancing 135 and 134 so it will be awhile before I can go back to "normal" (which I probably won't do) I have been pretty messed up emotionally so yeah but now I am so happy and complete, I have a new best friend and my "boyfriend" and I may or may not go to school next year but that excites me (and scares the fuck out of me) so it has kept me in a state of bliss making me not hungry so I can eat way less, even my binges are pathetically small i LOVE it <3

Thursday, September 13, 2012

14, Sept., 2012


I love this song so much lol, truly!

Well I was 144.6 but I had chocolate cake and fat free popcorn so now I am 145.4.... I am fasting today anyway so it won't matter I'll be 143 by the end of the day (or damn well near it)

I feel like I am slipping, becoming more depressed, hateful and internalizing everything. I realized something: I push people away. It is true, I ignore them, I scream at them, snap at them, I am always sarcastic with a far away icy glare...whatever it takes to keep people at a distance. I have even somewhat pushed myself away. Lying to myself, idolizing pictures and objects to keep food off my mind, using school as an excuse to not hang out with my friends even though when I am alone I all but sneer at my computer (online school).

My parents say they love each other but there paths never cross. Ever. My mom works two jobs, and my dad works nights so he comes home when my mom is sleeping and sleeps all day. I am so alone, I try to pretend like I am okay with this, like I am okay with everything because in all honesty, no one would CARE if something bothered me. My sister moved out and has not looked back since, she dreads visiting and though she pities me for having to live here with my parents, she has abandoned me.  I truly hate my mother, do not get the wrong idea that I have some sick twisted idea that in order to get attention from her I am anorexic and outwardly angry at the world, hell no. I could care less for her. Same for my father (who by the way I have a strong feeling sexually molested me when I was younger, or maybe it was in my tween years while I was asleep and I have suppressed it either way, the outward hatred towards him and all men, humiliation, self-hatred, it is all there.)


I relate quite well with people, it will forever be a mystery to me why I decide to push them away and build a wall around myself and my heart to keep them away when I crave for them, crave for their comfort, crave for them to save me from myself and Ana. Why can't I eat? without the hatred, without the humiliation, without the disgust, without the desire to confess on my blog and to receive the nasty comments, without the never-ending inner monologue about how fat and disgusting I am, how I need to throw it all up and beg Ana for forgiveness, how I need to starve for days, without the swirling dizziness, without the emotions that roar up within me threatening to make me lash out and destroy my relationship with anyone within a mile of myself. 

I crave to be normal, crave to be able to love myself and to accept people for who they are and not for the size of their goddamn jeans.

I'm just so ready to run, run away from it all! I hate my family, there is no reason for me to stay here, no reason at all. There is no place for me to go and without a destination I think I will finally have the freedom to starve in which I so desperately want to do... It may seem like I don't with all the binging but I do, I do! I want to starve so much it physically fucking KILLS me...everyday that I feel satisfaction, fullness I die a little inside, the pain from hunger is overwhelming but I want to welcome it with open arms and allow it to overtake me, I want to be 98 pounds...80 pounds... I need to let go of this..and just let myself be taken over, I fight it with a vengeance but I am weak and tired,... This is not glamourous in the least... 

So sorry to ramble... I just feel much better writing it all out even if it is only for a very short while.
Love you lots guys

Chicken noodle soup is evil

I did not realize it until early this morning (between the hours of 12am-5am) that chicken noodle soup is all fat...

Ew...Like..ew...Ew :(


I know it is only 60 calories and that is good for if you are starving beyond belief but it is all FAT, I always used the broth for hunger pains but I saw the fat percentage after opening it and just gave it to the dogs, so not worth it!!!

BTW I am 144.4 I should be 143 tomorrow :) (which by the way have not been 143 yet!!)

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

My Brother....

So I just found out my brother joined the Army... (not sure which branch everyone is throwing Navy and Air Force around so..)

He still has to go to boot camp and all that shit... and...yeah but they said definitely within the next few years he will probably get deployed overseas...


I know I am "jumping the gun" but...this is serious to me, I mean he is my brother (who by the way lived with his dad since he was like 16 and only visits on Holidays every other year ever since) so if anything happens to him... 

Sunday, September 9, 2012

9, Sept., 2012

I am actually really, really hungry but it is so easy to turn food down

I have gotten much better at fasting when I am determined/happy

another thing.... quite irrelevant but I have slowly begun to lose interest in the love of my life, simply put--I think I am a lesbian. 

In other news, who likes my playlist? :D I adore it, all the music!! Ugh it makes me so happy listening to all the songs, keeps me from eating too.

_______________________________________________________


Continuation of fasting... yes... I am prepared to stop drinking water if that is what it takes but I must not leave this room! D:

BINGE BINGE BINGE BINGE

Why do I never stop?! Right when I am back on track and can finally move forward again, I fucking SCREW EVERYTHING UP! 

and I swear my dad came in saying dinner was ready (after I had privately, mentally agreed I would continue fasting) and that it was my favourite: Stir fry fried rice with vegetables...



I don't want it!!!!! >:O

I have my crystal charged with my intent (to lose weight) so that every time I see it, touch it, think about it my appetite literally vanishes and I get too happy to eat (it actually does work when I remember to use it)



(yes that is really what I look like when I am holding my crystal and envisioning myself as thin)

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

4, Sept. 2012

On day 2 of my 21 day fast and I am finally 145.6 again! 

So stressed out my school work just keeps piling on top of me and now I have converted back to Pagan (I am a Druid of 4 years) I rededicated myself and I have to remake my book of shadows in which is a lengthy and consuming process in which I literally will spend 12 hours in front of my computer working on because it is very important to me and a holiday is coming up and I need it finished (at least the basic sections)!
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