I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity, I feel awful when people can relate it breaks my heart to know someone is dealing with this same pain, I don't want you to feel obligated to comfort me...there are no words that can heal these wounds. This is simply a dark time in my life in which I need to rant here because no one can know how broken I am inside.
I hate food, I hate pizza..the soggy cheese that flops around in your mouth, breaking apart over your tongue and swirling around with your saliva...the dry dusty bread, the nasty sauce. I hate chocolate, the sweetness that dries out my mouth, the nasty way it melts in your hands sticking to your fingers.
It is easier to fast, not because I don't want to gain weight but simply because people foring me to eat makes me realize how lucky I am to be able to go without eating in times like this, when I'm alone, and because I have been so depressed...food makes my heart want to burst, and because I want to be--need to be perfect for my love, when he comes to visit....
I'm so cold... My stomach feels weird because all I can feel is air moving around, and hearing the gurgling sounds makes me feel dizzy as I fight the urge to check the scale once more. I do that quite often now, pee: run to the scale, eat: run to the scale, burp: run to the scale, put on a different outfit: run to the scale, see myself in the mirror: run to the scale.
I know you probably don't want to hear this... I have been a pathetic fuck for too long I know but i cannot help it...
I miss my friends, the ones that have moved away, my heart is breaking, I yearn for them, the minute I feel happy around someone new I remind myself that friendship is temporary and only leads to pain and my walls come back thicker and colder than before as if to remind me I am not in control.
It hurts me that my best friend in the entire fucking world will be having her 16th birthday without me because she lives to far away now.
Sometimes I feel like this blog and that girl are my only ties to this world, the only reason I am still here...
My parents every time they cross paths (which is rare...they are never home, let alone at the same time), or on the phone there is always a fight. It breaks my heart to see them both in so much pain, kills me that niether of them can break it off because of me... I just want to run away from it all, I have to get out of here or I will go off the fucking deep end.
I watch my mother die a little inside every single day, I watch the tears slip from her eyes, I carry her as she leans on me wanting comfort and the certainty that someone is on her side, and now I cry in the middle of the night because I know that no matter what happens, tomorrow I will have to smile and pretend that my mother didn't just cry on my shoulder, that my best friend didn't just tell me she would rather be dead, that my father is dying, that my sister is too busy to care for me, that no one is my family sees me, I will smile, and say that I am all right and wait for someone else to push me down and expect me to get up on my own and carry them on my back.
I don't feel obligated to leave comments but it makes me feel less lonely. Also I don't feel pity, maybe sympathy but mostly I feel less pathetic when I read about other people dealing with their ED. My family life is far from chaotic so IDK what to say except I really hope things start to look up because that's a shitty situation. I lost all my friends when I moved to the US so I can relate but just try o make new ones. Besides if they're worth it, they'll keep in touch.
ReplyDeleteYou're a better person than I am, I feel better in myself when I see I'm not the only person suffering and from that comes enormous guilt.
ReplyDeleteI don't pity you, you're strong and although you're going through a lot you still try remain strong. If I'm honest, I admire the strength in you.