Family is Bullshit

It is so hard to choke down this painful lump in my throat. Growing up it always made me sick when I watched or read a novel where there was a character whose parents or friends seemingly did not care about them or cared more about themselves; I have only just realized I always got an empty, sick feeling because I was blissfully, ignorantly... growing up with that. 

It is hard to choke down this painful heart ache. 

I often wonder if they get as sick of this shit as I do or do they honestly go about their lives [my parents] blissfully "ignorant" after their massive fights. They have so many issues from their childhoods, their first marriages, this marriage and everything and they just fight...stick a fucking band-aid over it and move on until my mother screws up again and then it rips apart the thin veil that wrapped around their problems long enough for them to have another full blown fight. The cycle repeats. and repeats...and repeats. But I seem to be the only person that remembers and is stuck with the pain from it all, the only bloody fucking person that doesn't have the strength to say "it will get better" any more. 

I am so sick of this feeling, I am always so numb and when I am not it is because my heart is physically breaking, tearing my entire being apart leaving me shaking and crying on the floor until I can collect myself enough to try and forget it. But I can't. 

So I shoved the candy bar and chocolate creme pie, and my favourite seaweed snack [all of which my mother bought at the store for me tonight] into my "food left to rot" drawer and am writing a blog post. 

I don't care what anyone says. It does not get better, life is not some god damn fairytale or pre-written story, if it were, then people like me wouldn't exist. 

Update

YESTERDAY

So yesterday I had no food and went to the park with my older sister and mother, my sister and I walked at about 3.5 MPH for about 90 minutes (the entire walk) we walked about 2 to 3 miles.

The entirety of the walk added up to be -395 calories.

calorie net for yesterday: 1200 - 0 intake + -395 calories = (-1595 calories)

_______________________________________________________ 

TODAY

I had popcorn in which is 94% fat free, 30 calories per bag (15 for 1/2) with 27g of carbs. It is thought that there are 4 calories per gram of carbohydrates so 4 * 27 = 108, and that leaves me with 138 calories to burn for the day so I will have burned off all the carbs and the calories. 

TIP: If it is "fat free" it will be extra high in either calories or carbohydrates.

Today's calorie net: 1200 - 0 intake + -138 = (-1338)

Because a child's body needs 1200 calories a day (a healthy woman needing 1500, a healthy man needing 2000) every day you fast you are in the deficit of that amount (in this case 1200) of calories. 

Basically it is:

Scenario 1

You eat your 1200 calories and burn them all off, you are not gaining or losing but simply maintaining.

Scenario 2

You don't eat 1200 calories and burn of XXX calories you are losing.

A Tee-shirt away from ripping my bloody face off

I do so love my sister, she suffered from Anorexia at my age you see and since I couldn't go to church with her she wanted to make it up by taking me to lunch (which I said yes but didn't plan on eating) luckily she did not have any money and suggested going for a walk at the park around the track as it is such a nice day out. A much better idea and more fun than eating. So off I go to go walking, hopefully it will rid me of my stress and take my mind off the hunger pains.

I can't even look in the mirror; I just want it off, I want it all fucking off

I was going to go to church and was putting my skinnies on and a tee-shirt and I saw my muffin top

bloody fucking hell 

I am so sick of myself I looked in the mirror for two seconds and fell apart, I can't stand it anymore, I want it all off it isn't fair, I want it all off

I am not leaving this god forsaken room until I get to the 120s 

I don't fucking care if my parents take everything away or threaten me with punishments I can't do this anymore

22, Feb.

Ugh I hate how time is so absolute, like when you start a fast you automatically want it to be at midnight because that is the first hour of the new day, but right now my time marker for the next day is 2 AM 

Okay here:

Weight Loss Juice

cabbage

carrot

cucumber

(You need to make sure it is COMPLETELY Juiced, no pulp, no thickness)

You will replace as many meals as possible with this through out the day.

I will continue this later--watching Skins (UK)

21 Feb.

So starting today I will be on the 2468 diet (ABC diet always fails for me)

For those of you who don't know how it works:

[Click to make bigger]

My bestest Ana Buddy and I are cracking down because her Purging has become a serious problem and so has both of our binging sprees.... 

I will probably try to fast as much as possible at first until I am in the 130s 

MY MOTIVATION

• 140s - I will go through my clothes to prepare for new ones
• 130s - I will go bathing suit shopping for summer 
• 120s - I will go get a few pairs of: 

and

• 110s - Tattoo (mother promised I could if I was 118-110 by my birthday in August)
• 98 - New wardrobe 

Cool Trick to not binge

So my bestest Ana buddy came up with this one

Water Challenges!!

What you do is either with your ana buddy or yourself randomly through out the day or whenever your hungry/craving challenge yourself to drink any amount of bottles of water in any specified length of time as long as it is under an hour. 

Example:

3 bottles of water (20 ounces) in 30 minutes.

It makes you feel too sick and full to even think about drinking water so you definitely won't think of food. 

Remember to pee as often as you can and don't drink so much you throw up because too much can literally make you sick or kill you.

But anyway it is a good trick if you are fasting as well and don't always remember to get enough water!

~~~ALSO~~~

Take your body weight and divide it by 2, that is how many ounces of water you need in a day. You should make sure that you are getting this amount using challenges or otherwise to help you lose weight.

Mgh

This post will be a little different, I have decided to write more like I did in my very first blog. I am not really personal, just whiny and obnoxious and I feel like I should blog how I used to. So here goes.

It is one of those mornings that you don't wake up to but rather greet with tired eyes, I have been awake all night again; not out of choice of course but because the dull ache in my heart refuses to fade. I am no longer looking forward to my workouts, or my yoga, and so I don't do anything; I have decided not eating would be easier than eating and working out...so I don't eat anymore. What was once a cold bite in this morning's air, is now a warmth that makes my stomach curl up in knots. 

It really has been so long since I last felt connected, even now when I am surrounded by people I am left with nothing but the bitter taste of loneliness tainting my tongue. My mother is oblivious to everything of course, as she always is. There are so many band aids acting as blankets over our problems that I have long since lost the anger and resentment I held inside me. I can't be angry, I don't have the strength anymore. When I move around sometimes, my heart flutters making me light headed, sometimes I slump to the ground because my vision goes black. I don't want to be lesbian or bisexual, I want to be straight, I like the male presence... the strength and tenderness that a woman cannot compare to; and yet, here I am wanting the presence of a girl because I am sick and tired of being so heartbroken, sick and tired of the ugliness in the anatomy of the male's perspective. I don't want any of this. I want to watch my lover play video games just so I can pull them to me and make them cuddle for a while, and then fall asleep to Paper Moon. 

I like this hunger, the pain begrudgingly creeping its way around my body, reminding me how good it feels to step on the scale and see the numbers drop; how good it used to feel to see a double digit number. I look in the mirror and see a distorted reflection of what was, is and isn't all at once and at the same time see nothing but a little girl making nothing into something. I can't help but listen to Ana's voice in which grows louder and what I used to control and force into my head just to bring Ana back is now out of my reach and controlling me. I'm slipping, my palms clammy and cold have nothing to grab to keep me afloat, my grades have been slipping and I see no hope. I see no future. 
I have so many masks not even my dearest sister knows how deep I have gotten myself this time. My throat hurts, and I can't bring a smile to my face anymore or even pretend for my mother's sake. My heart is breaking, my life is falling apart, and I can't do anything except what I do best: shut down and fall deeper into my eating disorder as if it were the first time I got it all over again. 

My Baby Kristen Stewart

If you don't like her than you're lying, and I don't really give a fuck. 

~and she is rumoured to have been showing Anorexic tendencies as she has stated she is surviving on a diet of "Cigarettes, Red Bull and the occasional bag of potato crisps" (chips). Just saying.

The Fit Person inside you! (Male and Female

Please, for your own sake...

Don't do anything you'll regret later...

Don't do anything you would be embarrassed to tell your Ana buddy

Another BMI post...

See what I don't understand is why I have a BMI of (on average) 26.4...

It is not because of body fat, I know that because I am big boned (Medium-frame) and yes that is a real thing like how small boned people have really thin bird-like collar bones: 

Small boned collar bones:

Big boned collar bones:

So yeah, I know a lot of my weight comes from my bones as a lot of people my height and weight are a lot bigger than me because they are small boned so fat accounts for more of their weight than mine. And nearly  every woman, drawing or otherwise, with my BMI is categorized as obese and in pictures of women with my BMI are way fatter than me! 

So I just don't fucking get it!!! This is yet ANOTHER reason Anorexia should no longer be diagnosed by your BMI results. 

Ugh, and on top of everything to do with muscle and bone weight, every time you eat and drink it gets added to your weight (and will stay there for a day or two unless you fast)

Like I am literally the size of the girl in the middle, my stomach is just a little more pudgy (due to that being one of the places where my body stores fat) and my thighs are bigger (that being the other place...) 

But my calves, ankles, boobs and forearms are smaller than hers, those more resemble the girl on the far left.

So basically... My body is somewhere between the girl on the left and the girl in the middle but with bigger thighs and a bit more of a pudgy tummy.

I am sorry but that does NOT look like a 26 BMI (obese range) 

ABC Diet day 3: 300 calories

The world has a cruel sense of humour

The way it can twist up everything and subtly make a joke about it, and it is you are the fool when you've realized what is happening. 

Like... I was talking to this guy, who I suppose gave me an alias, and he told me about how he was fighting to keep his girlfriend alive. I was like, "oh my goodness, what is wrong with her?" and all he replied with was "Anorexia Nervosa"

What are the chances? 

Honestly?

I don't know this guy, he just randomly decides to mail me and tell me this one detail about his life, not once asking me about my own.

I am on the ABC diet by the way... day 3 (300 calories) was successful, about to run and burn it all off. 

So... that just happened

The days are getting longer, my breaths are getting shorter, my heart fluttering faster with every passing day. I feel like I finally have a handle on things, for the first time since October my binging is gone. 

I was in the kitchen and I went to tap my dad's shoulder to get his attention but he turned, resulting in my hand being placed on his upped back, the back of his left shoulder to be exact. 

Me: "Oh my gosh, your shoulder blades stick out!" 

Dad: "Well at least my stomach doesn't stick out." 

I smiled and laughed it off as if I was just 'one of the guys', the son he would have rather had over this lousy excuse for a daughter. When he turned away my smile faded and I could feel the overwhelming urge to vomit filling me up inside. Quickly retreating to my room I can't help but feel glad that I refused to eat the food my mother had cooked. 

Upbeat Workout Playlist!

If you can't tell... I like Furries lmao

Boop 08, Feb.

Uhm... 

So today all I have had was a pack of seaweed (30 calories)

Edamame (158 calories)

Krave (240 calories)

Working out: -500 calories

Net intake: -72 calories

Want to eat? A sensual paragraph to change your mind.

I half-assed did this post and I apologize lol this is the third time I have come back and looked at it and thought...where was I going with this.

The general idea of eating is not by nature revolting to humans, it is the extensional sub thoughts of
"oh if I eat I will feel/look disgusting"
or
"oh if I eat I will get fat"

And so I thought about this and found this .gif on Tumblr and it was shudder inducing and why? For many reasons, a main one being because I noticed the thickness of the neck and skin under the chin, the way this natural thing looked so unnatural and because watching this made me think of how nasty the fact is that when I eat this is going on inside me.

No don't get me wrong human anatomy is fascinatingly complex and oddly beautiful but not when it comes to the process of eating, that tends to disgust me. I don't know why.

Here is your paragraph
vvvvvvv

You are hungry or simply craving and have been denying yourself the simply happiness brought on by indulging, there is a sweet rush of endorphin's as you pick out your  meal and begin to eat, bringing the utensil to your mouth the food filling your mouth, it tastes good, heavenly even, there is no comfort from spitting it out so you swallow it and get the instant gratification of sensual pleasure as you intake the calories. Food and spit mixed together, sloshing around in your mouth, it tastes divine, you can feel it sliding sluggishly down your throat in which is enclosed with a slimy mucus to make the passing of food through the esophagus easier.

Is your food processed?
Imagine the machines it touches, all the other foods that have been processed through it. The process of making sugar involves using charred animal bones. Imagine all the rodent hairs and insect body parts that made it into the batch of shit that was used to make what you are eating. Nutella, anyone? Do you know what happens in your body when you eat these things? Not only does your body attack processed and cooked foods like it would a foreign substance but these things destroy your body. The bring cravings, screw with your hormones, and then there is the process of breaking down the sugars, using what little nutrients it can find (I will get to this in a second), and store it as fat because our bodies can't break it down any other way unless we are about to run a marathon after every cookie. Nutrients, if your body does not get enough from the shit food you eat it will, guess what, make you BINGE on anything and everything to get these nutrients it so desperately needs that you deprive it of. Imagine the workers, their nasty gloves and hair nets, what if a hair falls in? What if they didn't wash their hands and they didn't wear gloves?
And you are eating that.

Seriously look up "bug or rodent particles in *name of processed food here*" on Google

Enjoy.

Please if you remember...

Back when I had my techno playlist with:

Aura Vampire - Dark wave surfer

Sleepless

Monster

...yeah

I need to know if I have any body who remembers the names to the other songs in that playlist (seriously this is like reaching into the empty void blindfolded expecting to grab a lemon) I am going crazy trying to remember one of the songs but the lyrics are Japanese and I can't D: