Yup

I've become addicted to throwing away food; the thought of it not going into my body, the thought of how angry it would make my mother, and the knowledge that my dad works his ass off to pay for it; oh man it feels good!

So far I've trashed:

(I opened everything and poured it out so it can't be recovered)

• two medium-sized bags of cereal
• 3 large slices of dominos pizza (that was all that was left of it)
• a can of progresso soup
• a large king-sized chocolate bar
• a large bag of trail mix
• a large bag of sunflower seeds
• our last pizza pocket
• a can of doctor pepper

If I don't get a handle on this the house is going to be empty before dawn 

Ew Ew EWWSW]gijtioj What do I do?!?!?!

So on Netflix you can pay for an account and on one account you can have like tons of personal profiles for each family member and while my mother and I were in Arkansas with my sister my dad went onto MY profile (we all 3 have our own)

and watched TWO low-rated, lesbian movies that are nudity driven (no plot, those movies are just there to turn people on basically); one of these was actually about 15-year-olds exploring intense pleasure (no, not their sexuality--pleasure)

I am so disgusted I am shaking. I want to puke and cover myself in baggy clothes and heavy blankets and sit in a very tiny closet while I set myself on fire. 

OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO??? 

He didn't even try to hide it by clicking on other movies to cover it up or anything just fucking left it there making it look like I watched it (luckily it has the date he watched it in which I was gone)

I feel so freaking sick how disgusting is he ugh

I could spit at him but I don't want to be within 100 miles of him

I'm actually afraid I may hurt him if my mother doesn't hurry up and come back with my brother from out of town.

Tips to get through cravings

Most of these I've probably posted before. Oh well.

• Find a time consuming hobby (drawing, sports, sewing)
• Practice hygiene (brush your hair/teeth/bathe/shower)
• Put salt or mustard on your tongue
• do a 30 second plank
• put on shorts and a tank top and look in the mirror
• Drink a bottle of water as fast as you can
• Do jumping jacks 
• Snap a rubber band on your wrist anytime you think about food
• Listen to some good music and try writing
• Work on your blog/get on facebook
• Look at bathing suits, summer vaca is coming up
• Warm tea

Worlds of Daffodils

That's my favourite flower.

I'll be 18 in 502 days as of right now.

I found this song due to my obsession with Jeff the Killer and it really sums up my mother and I's relationship:

If you don't feel like listening, the main part I identify with:

"You lie silent there before me

Your tears may mean nothing to me now

The wind howling at the window

The Love you never gave

I give to you

Really don't deserve it

But now there's nothing you can do

So sleep in your only memory of me

My dearest mother

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes (goodbye)

It was always you that I despised

I don't feel enough for you to cry (oh well)

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes (goodbye)"

My mother and sister are going to Arkansas to visit my brother, who is back from Afghanistan, and I am supposed to go, but the physical ache I feel prevents me from even thinking about it. I am physically terrified to leave the house because I am so self-conscious of my body and how grotesque I feel. I honest to G-d feel morbidly obese, when I look in the mirror I see a 300 pound girl, and I feel all the fat on me--I feel the fat inside of me; 

I don't remember what I look like anymore, all I see is fat and hatred. 

For some reason my disorder has focused some of my obsession onto Jeff the Killer (drawing him), my brain obviously isn't able to handle the constant self-belittlement and needed another outlet/distraction and so I draw him--all the time. For hours. All night, and half of the day because he's the only thing I can draw and drawing is the only thing that brings solace.   

My sleeping is awful, insomnia has taken its hold on me; I want so badly to be normal, I want so badly to understand how people eat without having mental breakdowns afterwards. How are there people that don't hate themselves? How are there people who don't feel or think this way? 

I don't get it, because it seems like this is all there ever is, was, or will be for me--this freaking disorder that makes me neither skinny nor fat but only enlarges my perception of everyone and myself as well as destroying my self-esteem to the point that I feel sorry for everyone who even has to look at me. I feel sorry for my love because he doesn't deserve me, a disgusting shit. I don't even deserve to die, I just shouldn't even exist, I'm nothing but a waste of space and growing anxiety.

I'm annoying and I complain too much; I'm depressed and I don't even know why anymore; 

Is this the normal psyche for a sufferer with an ED? I feel like a freak, I feel like other girls with EDs are skinny, beautiful and happier--and that they'd all make fun of me for being so outlandishly weird and over dramatic. I'm too fat to have an ED, so worse yet I feel like everyone wants to just scream at me that it is all in my head and I'm making it up. 

Heh, no

You'd think it would be beneficial and motivating to have a mother that wants to lose weight, because it keeps you triggered and she is less likely to stop you from starving/over exercising, but... it is more like...it's making me suicidal

So she bought this soy protein powder so we can make shakes and we both had one for breakfast and it is not like I was planning on eating anything for the rest of the day until dinner (which of course, I cannot lie, I binged on spinach salad and pizza pockets) when she goes:

"And you know these things are so filling you probably won't even need to eat again today; look, I have only drunk half and I'm already full, and I have not even eaten yet today, you even had that banana earlier." 

(my glass already being empty)

ARARRGGH

You're fatter than me you condescending little ball of putrid stinking ugly blubber!

(that ugly bit makes me feel a bit guilty..)

You may be 5 pounds lighter than me, and you may have lost 17 pounds over the course of a year

but you are literally 4 TIMES my size, and that is just your boobs! 

STOP PATRONIZING ME LIKE YOU HAVE ALL THE SECRETS TO WEIGHT LOSS NO ONE CAN SEE THAT 17 POUND LOSS SO STOP MENTIONING IT LIKE YOU'RE SOME VICTORIA SECRET MODEL ALL OF THE SUDDEN

It is so infuriating because if I did not already have an eating disorder, then she'd harass me until her dying breath just to ensure I get one 

She talks about being "worried" because my sister looks underweight and has had anorexia in the past but she brings it up all the time like it's a fucking accomplishment.

AUGH

no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-NO

I don't need you reminding me coke has calories and lots of sugar so I should drink water instead

I don't need you reminding me I should try to only eat once a day and that I eat too much

I don't need you reminding me to take an adderall so that I don't eat today

I DON'T NEED YOU TELLING ME FUCKING TIPS THAT WOULD GIVE ANYONE AN EATING DISORDER THAT I ALREADY KNOW AND DO SUBCONSCIOUSLY  

but.. thanks for the pills, gum and laxatives mum, you're a freaking doll xxx

I am so SICK of my eating disorder not being taken seriously or even noticed because my own mother and sister have one. I am so SICK of being fat.

I don't want to be toned. I don't want a cute butt, lean thighs or ripped abs. I don't want guys to look at me. I don't want girls to be envious. I don't want to be ALIVE.

I want to be emaciated

frail

bones

i want blue lips, pale skin, and I want to be so thin people are scared to touch me; look at me

I want to disappear because there is too freaking much of me

I want to starve because I feel like punching myself and cutting myself every time I feel my clothes rub me the wrong way and it reminds me that I'm fat or when the scale is too high or when I can feel the fat inside of me, the feeling of being full, the freaking awful feeling....

I don't freaking care about stupid bikinis

or sexy costumes

or hot boys

or cute little black dresses

I want to STARVE and be surrounded by people that accept that without becoming the HUMAN MANIFESTATION OF ANOREXIA HERSELF

UGH why can't I just sleep until I am bones

3 months

Urgh so I always visit my best friend every summer, well...she visits me, and this summer I'm visiting her; and her cousin is super pretty and skinny and all the guys love her and we actually really, really dislike each other. Like, a lot. 

She even went back and said that a top I wore looked awful and made me look fat so I have got to lose all this freaking weight before I go down there or else I am not going. 

I don't even allow myself to leave the house if I have not lost the proper amount of weight yet, how the hell am I supposed to face this girl if I am not emaciated bones by the time I visit?

____

I feel guilty about throwing away food... do any of y'all feel guilty when you hide food/throw it away? 

____

I've been drinking 2 litres of water a day and it's driving me up the wall having to go to the flipping bathroom every two minutes (okay, more like every 30 minutes); Does drinking lots of water like that help you lose weight quickly along side restricting?

I feel so fatigued it is as if someone has been sucking the very life from my bones, leaving me a slouched bag of fat. Ugh.

I am using my sister's bikini as motivation , well...not really motivation, but a reminder that if I don't lose weight, then I am going to have to wear that thing all summer looking like a dried up beach whale

hahaha I freaking hate myself  

Workout Tips and..embarrassing

NOTICE: When I talk about working out or whatever in my Tips I am usually referring to running/walking on a treadmill/in a gym/outside, I don't do much else, but plenty of the tips will still apply to you if you don't do any of those. 

So first, before I post these tips  I am going to post my progress for today (as of right now it is 7:07 am); 

(also, I sleep from 11 am - 12 am so my meal times/workouts are in the am not pm)

What I ate: 

(you can skip past this if you want)

• cabbage soup - 13 calories
• Rice cake with salsa - 55 calories
• Gum - 5 calories
• 2 cookies - 107 calories
• chocolate - 60 calories
• chips - 140 calories
• Chocolate - 60 calories
• Chocolate - 60 calories
• Soup - 140 calories
• 1 cookie - 54 calories

Intake: 694 calories

Exercise: -700 calories

Net Intake: -6 calories

This is embarrassing but this is what happens if you aren't careful:

I know this is really personal and gross but no one said Anorexia was glamorous, but anyway I burned off 700 calories in a matter of an hour and a half or so (about 98 minutes), I was going 3.0 miles per hour until I reached -164, and for a cool down I decided I would slow it down to 2.0 MPH (I kept this up until I reached an even -700 calories) and when I stopped the treadmill and bent over to catch my breath...I freaking peed... thank G-d I had enough time to cross my legs and hold it in until I could run to my bathroom. Yeah...embarrassing...I don't have a problem with getting gas while on my treadmill (most people do), but I do have a problem with not feeling my bladder, apparently. So has anything like that ever happened to one of you? Maybe not peeing yourself, but anything embarrassing while working out. 

Anyway, yeah, I about passed out as well; I stared at myself in the mirror for like 5 minutes because I was confused and it felt like I was walking funny (or like the room was moving around me). It was awful, never want to do it again.

WORK OUT TIPS

(these are MY tips, do not post them anywhere without my consent)

Slow down, don't stop

Cramps & Other Pain:

• If your heart hurts, you're not getting enough oxygen; the heart is a muscle like any else, so if it is cramping you need to focus on your breathing (make sure you are breathing in as deep as you can through your nose and all the way out of your mouth).
• If your lungs hurt, do not stop! This is how you build endurance and strengthen your lungs; just like with your heart, you need to breathe in through your nose, out your mouth! If you are on a treadmill, for example, and going 3.5, then slow it down to 3.0 and hold that pace; your lungs should stop cramping if you are breathing properly. 
• If your upper spine/shoulders/neck hurt then it is not actually your spine but rather 1 of 3 things: your body is releasing stored toxins from your muscles, your body isn't used to moving these muscles or pinched nerves. Now, it is most likely going to be the second one, your body is not used to using these muscles (if you slouch a lot or just don't generally have a good posture), then of course they're going to be a bit sore during and possibly after you workout (usually this happens when walking/running). 
• If your fingers feel hot, thick, and like they have their own pulse then this is toxins/salt settling there; the quickest remedy is holding your arms up so your hands are above your head (wiggle your fingers around to get the blood flowing). To prevent this you need to cut salt out of your diet or decrease it significantly, drink lots of water an hour or two before you workout (make sure you pee it out first) and make sure you're getting enough water daily to flush out the toxins in your blood being released from organs and muscles (this increases when your workout). 

Breathing & Endurance:

• You might notice when your heart rate is up it feels like you're not getting enough oxygen, especially when you're trying to breathe in your nose; this is most likely because of the extra amount of blood being distributed through out your body, if you hold off on slowing down and continue to breathe deeply in your nose and out your mouth then your body will open up your nasal passage and you will experience the best of breathing in and out of your nose (your heart will even out its pace and you might feel swollen fingers which I'll get to in a minute).
• To build endurance you need to workout 60 minutes a day 4 to 5 times a week; if that is too long then bump it down to 30 minutes a day 5-6 times a week; and if that is too much time then bump it down to 15 minutes a day 6-7 days a week... if that is too much time from your day, then you're making excuses and don't really want to lose weight / get in shape.
• Also, you can be over weight and still be in better shape than a "skinny" person; so don't think you need to jump right into running to prove yourself; just start slow and in time you will be able to run no problem and the weight will just fall off. (If you ever watched "The Biggest Loser" there was an episode where this 230-280 pound man RAN on a treadmill for an hour, he did not jog or speed walk, he ran; that is something you work up to). 

How to Burn More Calories:

• Before every workout decide either how many calories you want to burn or how long you want to workout; this way you won't be able to talk yourself out of working before you've made any real progress. Remember to have realistic expectations of your body and its current condition, don't go to the gym expecting to burn 1000 calories if you haven't seriously worked out in a couple months. 
• Use my method of "plus 150", by doing this I decided I needed to stop trying to burn 1000 calories every time I got onto the treadmill, because it made the road ahead far too long and I'd only get discouraged and over do myself (which left me not wanting to workout for days or even weeks). What you do is on day 1 you burn 100 calories, and if you can continue, then add on 50; day 2 you burn 200 calories and if you can continue, then add on 50; you will continue this every day and you will be surprised how much easier it is to burn 400-500 calories a day. Remember, you don't have to push yourself the entire workout simply because you think that'll burn more, faster.. it won't, in fact it will probably burn you out and make you associate working out with displeasure.

Prevent Over Heating:

• Drink a bottle of water 30 minutes before you work out, and keep two bottles of water (or a big container of water) with you at all times during your workout.
• Wear light clothing (such as baggy shorts and a tank top), you don't need to buy hundreds of workout clothes so instead spend a pretty good bit of money on some workout capris/shorts and top that are a good quality material. The best are the ones that are breathable, and keep your sweat from evaporating (yes, they are more than likely going to stink a lot, but it will keep you cool).
• If you run outside then make sure you are somewhere with plenty of access to shade; if you run at the gym or on your own treadmill then have a couple of fans going and/or your door open for air flow. 
• Symptoms of heat exhaustion: dizziness, nausea, dehydration, light-headed, confusion, weakness, profusely sweating, muscle cramping, rapid heart beat (though that could be from working out).

Exhaustion/Soreness & Bulking Up

• No matter how advanced society gets with cosmetic surgery, workout techniques, or dietary fads...our bodies are still going to be animals living on instinct. Our minds are hardwired for survival, they (brains) are not stupid, even if you think they are. If you are not in immediate danger, your mind knows this and it will do everything it can to get you to slow down and conserve energy; this is why our bodies store food as fat, our brains don't realize there is no famine, no immediate danger coming at us, and so when we try to burn off all its resources it freaks out by making you feel weak, cramped, out of breath, and can even try to convince you to stop (Oh I can take a break, Oh I can just eat less, Oh I just will do it tomorrow). The best way to combat your mind is to find modern-day dangers to push yourself (what if there was a government take over and you were forced to survive in the wilderness, would you be able to? What if you were being chased by a murder, would you get away? What if...; if that does not work then get the app "Zombies, Run!", it combines your music playlist with a zombie story and there is nothing scarier then hearing zombies right behind you, despite knowing they aren't there)
• So when working out if you get to that point where you are just tired, weak, and feel like you are about to pass out... you need to stop for a moment. Take a deep breath, slow down your heart rate and then start again. You need to remember to SLOW DOWN; you do not ever stop. If your legs, lungs or heart is cramping then you are not breathing properly; don't try to breathe fast just because you feel you're about to suffocate, maintain an even pattern of deep breathing in your nose and out of your mouth. (I'll talk about this in the next section if you're interested in learning more).
• When you are sore the day after working out then you've made progress and should not workout until the soreness is completely gone! This could take one day or even a week depending on how hard you worked out (I got so sore once I almost cried every time I had to pee because it hurt to sit and stand up). Soreness is your muscles repairing themselves and getting stronger, and if you want to burn more calories and workout for longer periods of time, then you need to give your body a break; DO NOT be afraid of getting "bulky", building muscle speeds metabolism, re-wires your body so it no longer stores fat, but instead uses it for energy, and it helps you maintain your weight and keep off the weight you've lost. The only way you would get bulky is if you are eating huge amounts of protein every day and constantly pushing your body harder every time you work out (for instance if you got sore from lifting 15 lb dumbbells, you will not get more muscular unless you up it to 20 lb dumbbells the next time you workout, instead your muscles will lean out and burn the excess fat.)

Breathing & Your Nose

• I know you get sick of hearing "breathe in your nose and out your mouth", because I do too; I've heard that so many times it is almost the same is "an apple a day keeps the doctor away". Is there truth to this? Yes. While when I work out it occasionally feels like I am not getting enough air into my lungs (like I can't breath deep enough or fast enough, or like my nasal passage has closed a bit), I still manage to maintain a steady rhythmic breathing, and you know what? I never get thigh, leg or butt cramps any more and I hardly ever get lung cramps (when I do, it does not take long to get rid of them). 
• No matter how fast your heart is going, how badly you want to gulp down air by the gallon through your mouth, you must keep your breathing steady! I can't stress this enough! BREATHING properly is key to building endurance and having long, enjoyable workouts (thus burning more calories). 
• If your nose feels "thick" like there is not enough air getting through then you need to breathe slower; breathe as deep as you can in your nose and slowly out of your mouth (do not slow down your workout, I can breathe like I am meditating while going 3.5 MPH). If you don't know how to do this then pretend you are trying to slow down your heart rate, eventually your heart will actually slow down a bit (this is good), and the blood in your body will start distributing itself to where it needs to be (muscles), your nose should now feel clear and open, you should feel the air going up your nostrils and curving down towards your lungs. 
• If you smell iron/blood, and feel a pinching sensation in your nose, this is nothing to worry about; just keep breathing (try not to speed up your breathing or your nose will close up again).
• If your lungs are cramping, then you're not getting enough oxygen through your system; no muscle (including you heart) should be cramping when you are walking at 3.0-3.5 mph (I don't recommend going any speed higher than 3.5 unless it is 6.0 mph and higher; jogging is really bad for you).

Laziness/Wanting To Stop (don't over do it)

• If you cannot ever seem to get around to working out, then you need to find your motivation and just do it! If you ever eat from boredom, stress or any other emotion, then there are no excuses--you have time and the means for working out. Boredom, anger, depression are all motivation for working out.
• If you're working out and wanting to stop, then take a five minute break and come back to it; try a different exercise. If you hardly ever workout, and try to compensate by pushing yourself to your absolute limits every time you do, then you're going to burn yourself out. Exercising is nearly impossible if you are out-of-shape and trying to do what professional athletes do as a warm-up. You must start slow, no matter how frustrating it is or embarrassing; even if it makes you feel fat; just remind yourself.. if you go slow, you'll get in a longer workout and burn more calories whereas if you push yourself all at once, you'll burn only a little and not want to work out again for a really long time. 

My Motivations

• Good Music. When I workout, I find that my music is what determines how I feel throughout the entire time. If my music is slow or quiet, then I focus more on how tired, out of breath, exhausted I am; so when you workout make sure your music is loud enough that you cannot hear your own breathing (this is actually a thing, if you can hear yourself breathing, you're more than likely going to get tired quicker). You want your music to be fast and have a good beat/rhythm. Even if you are only walking slow, having a good soundtrack will motivate you to workout longer, and helps you build endurance by making you want to move faster with the music. (I usually listen to dubstep, but sometimes it is slow or I just get sick of it; songs like "Mr. Brightside by The Killers" and "Come and Get It by Selena Gomez" are great for working out. 
• Get angry or use memories/thoughts to propel you forward; anger works the best, especially if it is something that you can't usually express; think about all the times you've been embarrassed by your weight, all the times your weight has made you miss out on life, all the times you've cried over your weight and so on. I usually think about my mother joking about my weight, how angry I am when clothes don't fit or how with every step I am getting lighter. Exercise is a healthy coping mechanism, use this time to escape to your own world instead of letting it be just another dreadful thing on your to-do list. Cry, laugh, get angry, talk to yourself, yell at the world, whatever... just make working out a positive experience, one that leaves you feeling peaceful and then you'll start turning to that for comfort instead of food. 
• Most of the time when I work out and I want to quit I tell myself "just get to 200, then you can stop", but then I feel like I didn't really do anything, so I push to 300... and everyday it gets easier and easier to burn off 100, 200 and 300 calories, and every day that I continue to push myself longer (not harder) if another day that I am making count. 
• Think about how far away summer vacation is, swimsuit season; think about your birthday or new years... do you REALLY want to face another year of being disappointed in yourself because you wasted another year on being fat? Your youth is NOW, and if you wait too long, then you'll regret it forever. 

Reminders:

• "It is hard"; no one said it would be easy losing weight; if you want easy, then go ahead and eat your pizza and chocolate and forget about your goals, but do not complain about being fat or unhappy  with yourself to anyone, no one likes people who do that. 
• Loud, fast music, and a reason to fight will ensure an amazing workout for you; distract yourself when you workout not by thinking of bikinis or toned thighs (unless that works for you), but instead focus on your anger for letting yourself get to where you are (anger, when strong enough, has the same effect as adrenaline; it will numb all the sensors your brain sends out telling you that you're tired, and it actually renews your energy; by the time you finish working out you will not be angry anymore, and you'll feel a lot better). Remember: only the fittest will survive. 
• "Slow down, don't stop"; always START and END your workouts slowly; you need to give your body a chance to warm up (don't stretch before walking/running); and you want to give yourself something to look forward to with every workout. What do you think will create a longer, more successful workout: looking forward to stopping and passing out on the bed, or slowing down a bit to catch your breath? I find that I am 20 times more tired and ready to stop when I am focused on ending my workout (especially when I am minutes/seconds away from the end), but when I am focused on the small period where I get to slow down then my body is not freaking out and completely focused on passing out because it knows it will have a cool down.  You CAN have short bursts in your workout if you want, but if you want to have a long workout then you probably shouldn't. 
• "Unless you puke, faint, or die keep going" - Jillian Michaels 
• "Let everything motivate you, not set you back" if you binge, if something is too tight, if you had a bad day, if you failed your "diet" etc. then don't let that discourage you or convince you to give up on that diet or whatever; use that to motivate you to keep going when you're working out, and use that experience as a future reference for the next time you want to binge/snack/mess up. 

Good luck, darlings xxx

Why Would Anyone Come Back?

When you recover, when you have not recovered, when you seek out a mental illness you do not have, you may ask yourself: why would anyone sane choose anorexia, or fall back into its death grip once they've escaped?

Anorexia is so safe, it is like a nestled cocoon that we can wrap ourselves in like a blanket or a bubble to protect ourselves from everyone else. We are all in our own little world of calories, weight, numbers, control, and thin. You get to a point where it is almost therapeutic to obsess over all the numbers in your head, being forced to plan out your meal plans a week ahead..and so on. You get to a point where all the silly rituals of strict diet regimens and workouts, snapping rubber bands on your wrist, and looking at thinspo becomes...comforting. Whether your too weak to move or your still trying to get to double digits, there is no denying that this illness is our home. 

Without it, who are we?

I try so hard to keep Ana separated from myself by calling it "her" and "Ana" as if it were a person, but I know it is me, I am it. This illness has consumed me and you cannot love me without accepting it as well, because there is not one without the other... 

Without Anorexia I would be so miserably lost; I have no idea who I am without it; I don't think about anything else, I don't talk about anything else, my entire life has been planned around it, and...literally this illness is not just about food and thinness, it changes everything you are...and that is why when you recover it never really goes away...

It has infused itself into every cell, every fiber, every inch of me...it has infiltrated my life and changed every aspect, every relationship... 

I have no personality; I don't remember who I was before this eating disorder, I don't remember what I used to think about, talk about, or what I did instead of count calories, obsess over food, bones and weight...I don't remember who I was before...I think that girl has died, maybe she died long before I found Ana, I don't know.

I LOVE my eating disorder; I love the isolation, the protection, the safety...I love the tiny little bubble of secrets, excuses and lies it has forced me into that keeps everyone at arms length. I love how calm it makes me because I feel like I am drowning, constantly, because everyone seems to have their shit together and here I am failing at school because I am too busy worrying about food and how to get this fat off of me.

I love the -- sameness. How everyone that suffers knows exactly what one another are going through: the thoughts, the emotions, the binging/purging/starving cycles, the loathing, the self-harm, the reasons, the triggers.... we all know one another, we all understand and we don't judge. 

We know exactly how welcoming and cruel Ana is, we know how ugly and yet so beautiful it is; so why does it complete me? Why does it make me feel so damn safe? Maybe because it makes life so much easier if the only thing you have to think, worry and obsess about is weight, calories, and numbers. 

I don't know.