Heh, no

You'd think it would be beneficial and motivating to have a mother that wants to lose weight, because it keeps you triggered and she is less likely to stop you from starving/over exercising, but... it is more like...it's making me suicidal

So she bought this soy protein powder so we can make shakes and we both had one for breakfast and it is not like I was planning on eating anything for the rest of the day until dinner (which of course, I cannot lie, I binged on spinach salad and pizza pockets) when she goes:

"And you know these things are so filling you probably won't even need to eat again today; look, I have only drunk half and I'm already full, and I have not even eaten yet today, you even had that banana earlier." 

(my glass already being empty)

ARARRGGH

You're fatter than me you condescending little ball of putrid stinking ugly blubber!

(that ugly bit makes me feel a bit guilty..)

You may be 5 pounds lighter than me, and you may have lost 17 pounds over the course of a year

but you are literally 4 TIMES my size, and that is just your boobs! 

STOP PATRONIZING ME LIKE YOU HAVE ALL THE SECRETS TO WEIGHT LOSS NO ONE CAN SEE THAT 17 POUND LOSS SO STOP MENTIONING IT LIKE YOU'RE SOME VICTORIA SECRET MODEL ALL OF THE SUDDEN

It is so infuriating because if I did not already have an eating disorder, then she'd harass me until her dying breath just to ensure I get one 

She talks about being "worried" because my sister looks underweight and has had anorexia in the past but she brings it up all the time like it's a fucking accomplishment.

AUGH

no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-NO

I don't need you reminding me coke has calories and lots of sugar so I should drink water instead

I don't need you reminding me I should try to only eat once a day and that I eat too much

I don't need you reminding me to take an adderall so that I don't eat today

I DON'T NEED YOU TELLING ME FUCKING TIPS THAT WOULD GIVE ANYONE AN EATING DISORDER THAT I ALREADY KNOW AND DO SUBCONSCIOUSLY  

but.. thanks for the pills, gum and laxatives mum, you're a freaking doll xxx

I am so SICK of my eating disorder not being taken seriously or even noticed because my own mother and sister have one. I am so SICK of being fat.

I don't want to be toned. I don't want a cute butt, lean thighs or ripped abs. I don't want guys to look at me. I don't want girls to be envious. I don't want to be ALIVE.

I want to be emaciated

frail

bones

i want blue lips, pale skin, and I want to be so thin people are scared to touch me; look at me

I want to disappear because there is too freaking much of me

I want to starve because I feel like punching myself and cutting myself every time I feel my clothes rub me the wrong way and it reminds me that I'm fat or when the scale is too high or when I can feel the fat inside of me, the feeling of being full, the freaking awful feeling....

I don't freaking care about stupid bikinis

or sexy costumes

or hot boys

or cute little black dresses

I want to STARVE and be surrounded by people that accept that without becoming the HUMAN MANIFESTATION OF ANOREXIA HERSELF

UGH why can't I just sleep until I am bones

Why Would Anyone Come Back?

When you recover, when you have not recovered, when you seek out a mental illness you do not have, you may ask yourself: why would anyone sane choose anorexia, or fall back into its death grip once they've escaped?

Anorexia is so safe, it is like a nestled cocoon that we can wrap ourselves in like a blanket or a bubble to protect ourselves from everyone else. We are all in our own little world of calories, weight, numbers, control, and thin. You get to a point where it is almost therapeutic to obsess over all the numbers in your head, being forced to plan out your meal plans a week ahead..and so on. You get to a point where all the silly rituals of strict diet regimens and workouts, snapping rubber bands on your wrist, and looking at thinspo becomes...comforting. Whether your too weak to move or your still trying to get to double digits, there is no denying that this illness is our home. 

Without it, who are we?

I try so hard to keep Ana separated from myself by calling it "her" and "Ana" as if it were a person, but I know it is me, I am it. This illness has consumed me and you cannot love me without accepting it as well, because there is not one without the other... 

Without Anorexia I would be so miserably lost; I have no idea who I am without it; I don't think about anything else, I don't talk about anything else, my entire life has been planned around it, and...literally this illness is not just about food and thinness, it changes everything you are...and that is why when you recover it never really goes away...

It has infused itself into every cell, every fiber, every inch of me...it has infiltrated my life and changed every aspect, every relationship... 

I have no personality; I don't remember who I was before this eating disorder, I don't remember what I used to think about, talk about, or what I did instead of count calories, obsess over food, bones and weight...I don't remember who I was before...I think that girl has died, maybe she died long before I found Ana, I don't know.

I LOVE my eating disorder; I love the isolation, the protection, the safety...I love the tiny little bubble of secrets, excuses and lies it has forced me into that keeps everyone at arms length. I love how calm it makes me because I feel like I am drowning, constantly, because everyone seems to have their shit together and here I am failing at school because I am too busy worrying about food and how to get this fat off of me.

I love the -- sameness. How everyone that suffers knows exactly what one another are going through: the thoughts, the emotions, the binging/purging/starving cycles, the loathing, the self-harm, the reasons, the triggers.... we all know one another, we all understand and we don't judge. 

We know exactly how welcoming and cruel Ana is, we know how ugly and yet so beautiful it is; so why does it complete me? Why does it make me feel so damn safe? Maybe because it makes life so much easier if the only thing you have to think, worry and obsess about is weight, calories, and numbers. 

I don't know.

Anti-Pro Ana?? Part 1

Oh my goodness, please, I wish these people would get a grip; there is a massive difference between supporting recovery/wanting to stop pro-ana and unintentionally bashing every single person who suffers from an eating disorder.

Like, how fucking dare you say someone does not have an eating disorder, or set the standards for having one if you have never even had anything SIMILAR to an eating disorder.

Do you honestly think you will benefit someone, save a life, or whatever by telling young, and obviously impressionable girls and gents, that they are stupid, liars, pathetic and so on because they are supporting each other to stay alive? That it is "all in there head" and "just another failed attempt at dieting"...

Whether a girl has anorexia or not, if she is even trying to practice the habits of any eating disorder then obviously something is very, very wrong. 

Ugh, just... you're not helping anyone, so stop. 

Obviously, I know that just because you skip one or two or even four meals every once in a while, that you are not anorexic; I know that just because you may experience two or three symptoms, it does not mean you have an eating disorder.

But how dare you say, that someone who has an eating disorder, that does only skip one or two meals a week, that only experiences three or four symptoms is any less of a person, has any less pain--than someone who suffers with all the symptoms, who never eats. 

Anorexia is different for EVERYONE. Not every anorectic is overweight or underweight, not every anorectic shows an abnormal eating pattern! 

You can eat normal, three times a day, but exercise your ass off to burn every calorie while still maintaining a normal weight and still have anorexia so shut the hell up if you are not a doctor, therapist, psychiatrist or ... you know what, how about you just don't fucking worry about whether someone is diagnosed or not?

If someone is looking a "thinspo" and desires to starve him or herself, then they deserve someone to tell them that they have been heard, and you are willing to help them through this; not some pretentious bitch know-it-all telling them they don't have anything wrong with them, and that they are pathetic for "wanting" and eating disorder"

No one WANTS anorexia, and if you do then you are already suffering from some form of chemical imbalance or mental illness! You are already suffering from body dysmorphia or depression or eating problem.

No mentally/emotionally/physically healthy person looks up pictures of thin guys/girls and thinks "hm, I think I want to starve myself and talk to other people who starve themselves"

So if you want to actually HELP someone, then talk to them like a decent person and help them find another way to cope with whatever it is they are going through. Otherwise you are only contributing to the growing number of teens and adults who are killing themselves everyday trying to obtain something they'll never have:

control

acceptance

love

comfort 

So next time, before you think to yourself "why in the hell would anyone want Anorexia, they're obviously faking", ask yourself this: "What in the hell could have destroyed this person's self-esteem so much, they'd reduce themselves to nothing, something not even worth the amount of food it takes to stay alive"

Anorexic Mentality

You know it really frustrates me when people say "just eat; if you want to lose weight, then just eat healthy and exercise"; like, I understand that they're just trying to be helpful and all, but it really isn't. In fact that is probably a really big trigger for me, so I know it has got to be bad for at least some other anorectics as well. 

I can't speak for everyone, but this is not about losing weight in the sense that I want to be healthy and look "pretty" by society's standards. This is about my need to be empty, to feel clean, it is about me feeling like I am drowning in my own body, and my only way to break away is to not eat and wait for my bones to jut out. So... for me it was once superficial, then it became about control, now it is about... well-- I am not really sure... I guess the need to be free? 

Anorectics get hungry; we don't just "think" about food, we obsess over it; we crave, we dream of food; it is not like if you shove a plate of fries to me I am going to be completely revolted. I want them, I want so badly to take a handful and shove them down my throat; this is not about control, it is all about being controlled. 

It used to be so hard to "fast" (I don't like calling it that anymore, seeing as it is never intentional anymore), it used to be so hard to keep my calories under 1000 a day; now it is like two days could pass and I wouldn't even realize because I would still be obsessing about the last thing I ate and how fat it is going to make me. 

It is like there is a constant war in my mind; I want people to notice that I am in pain, but at the same time it infuriates me when people try to take this away from me, it is me. You can't just take a part of me away. 

It is never about the health or the health issues, you just get to that point where... you don't care if you die; you keep thinking "just a few more pounds" but then you lose them, and it is never enough; no matter how much you lose, you will always want to lose more, you will always be disappointed with yourself, disgusted that you didn't lose more.

I have a hard time ingesting anything now that is not water without feeling like I just ruined everything; like the world is crashing around me; I haven't been on the scale in so long, I am afraid to even look at it anymore. 

I wish I could say this is glamorous because I know the desire to starve, the need to be thin; I know the frustration of wanting Anorexia or at least the ability to practice it and not being able to. But, this is not glamorous at all.

 I can't look in mirrors without seeing a whale of a girl staring back at me, I only have two outfits I can wear now because I have breakdowns when I put something on and it points out just one more flaw. 

I'm not going to say I want healthy girls to seek out Ana or help them on their journey with her, because I don't. I wish the only people that found this blog were those already exposed to Ana. 

Please--if you are just looking for a quick fix, a fast way to lose weight, or something glamorous because you think it is what all the cool people do: 

leave; run as far and fast as you can.

Anorexia does not make everyone skinny, but it destroys every living soul it touches; it will stay with you for the rest of your life, and whether you think you will get sucked in or not I can say now that you will. Everyone does. 

I never realized quite how disrespectful I came/come across when I say that I am Pro-Ana because there are girls who have died, are dying, will have severe health problems for the rest of their lives and there are girls who come onto the internet and LOOK for that. 

Just--don't.

Fasting

Lots'o personal fasting posts, I know but since I am fasting you can't expect much else. Hopefully those who are not fasting won't get too annoyed.

I am genuinely feeling fine, and am a-okay in terms of physical hunger and mental cravings however I can already hear those thoughts of doubt about:

"You did not prepare for this fast, when you finish you will just fall right back into old binging habits and gain all your weight back"

"You won't be able to handle the detox"

"What if I binge during Christmas" 

and so on...

I also am getting a juicer for Christmas and water distiller so I generally feel like it may be smarter to wait until after the holidays which is why I ended the first two fasts.

Maybe it would be smart to try and go through today like normal and break the fast for dinner and see how that goes to let myself know if I will be able to handle breaking a 21-day fast...?

Honestly, I do feel fine going through with it but I am genuinely scared of binging mid-fast, returning to old habits, or breaking my fast incorrectly if I do not have the right foods at my house.

ARGH! 

What should I do? Has any of you had successful post-fast experiences? What about fasts that last 7-15 days, did you break those okay? What did you do about binging? 

Cellulite?

The very thing, the very freaking thing that had triggered my sisters eating disorder was when my sister was in the car with either her dad or mine, can't remember, and he said something about her having "dimples" in her legs.

Then just this morning, I am on the phone with my sister and in the kitchen sitting on one of the bar stools with my legs crossed and she goes:

Mum: "Psh" (noise to get my attention)

Mum: *smile* "Feel down here, put your hand on your thigh."

Me: "....?"

Mum: "Do you feel that? Cellulite, you're only 16, you can't be having cellulite!" 

Me: "....." *walks to room*

Mum: "Oh don't get mad, even S******* (my sister) has cellulite!"

She says that...when I am fasting, there is not much I can do past not eating except not drinking water either, it is like she thrives in this, she her self is fat, way fatter than I, and has cellulite all over. It frustrates me to no end, what do you want from me? I already have the eating disorder, I am just sorry I am not even good enough at that for you. 

Ugh.. If only family were disposable

I am so sick and tired of this new persona my father has decided to taken on.

A new casino is being built so like 1/2 the workers have left the casino my dad works at to go apply there so he is having to work longer, get more work and cover for equivalents on their off days even if that means working extra. 

On top of this we have like no money. Zip. Zilch. And it is all my mother's fault, she has a gambling addiction and just quit both of her jobs, she makes me feel like sh*t for even being related to her.

Right, so his new persona,,

understandably my dad is under a lot of stress, but he is always on the computer doing something of "importance" and I swear to fucking Satan if he tells me to "shut up" "stop yelling" "be quiet" or groans whenever I talk/play with my dogs I will burn this house down. He infuriates me to no end!

You don't understand.

I have been on top of the house for quite some time, no one fucking tells me to shut up, its rude and he is not going to treat me like a god d*** dog. 

I can't wait for him to wither away and just die. 

He is an a**hole to me now and I can't stand it.

The worst part is the fact that he is leaving this casino to work at the new one hoping he will be paid more there..

F***ING H*LL HOW STUPID ARE YOU?

EVERYONE will be working there, if anything you will be paid LESS, they don't NEED you!!!

Grow a freaking pair and ask for a raise or you will walk, the casino he is at now cannot afford to lose a worker like him, not only would he get a raise they would probably offer him a promotion to get him to stay. 

They are desperate, but he is too much of a little girl to ask for anything. 

Cannot wait to move out, my mom even has a sense of humour! She said the other day, "You know nothing says you have to move out at 18." 

HaHAAHahaHAHAHAHAHAHA---How about no?