Anorexic Mentality

You know it really frustrates me when people say "just eat; if you want to lose weight, then just eat healthy and exercise"; like, I understand that they're just trying to be helpful and all, but it really isn't. In fact that is probably a really big trigger for me, so I know it has got to be bad for at least some other anorectics as well. 

I can't speak for everyone, but this is not about losing weight in the sense that I want to be healthy and look "pretty" by society's standards. This is about my need to be empty, to feel clean, it is about me feeling like I am drowning in my own body, and my only way to break away is to not eat and wait for my bones to jut out. So... for me it was once superficial, then it became about control, now it is about... well-- I am not really sure... I guess the need to be free? 

Anorectics get hungry; we don't just "think" about food, we obsess over it; we crave, we dream of food; it is not like if you shove a plate of fries to me I am going to be completely revolted. I want them, I want so badly to take a handful and shove them down my throat; this is not about control, it is all about being controlled. 

It used to be so hard to "fast" (I don't like calling it that anymore, seeing as it is never intentional anymore), it used to be so hard to keep my calories under 1000 a day; now it is like two days could pass and I wouldn't even realize because I would still be obsessing about the last thing I ate and how fat it is going to make me. 

It is like there is a constant war in my mind; I want people to notice that I am in pain, but at the same time it infuriates me when people try to take this away from me, it is me. You can't just take a part of me away. 

It is never about the health or the health issues, you just get to that point where... you don't care if you die; you keep thinking "just a few more pounds" but then you lose them, and it is never enough; no matter how much you lose, you will always want to lose more, you will always be disappointed with yourself, disgusted that you didn't lose more.

I have a hard time ingesting anything now that is not water without feeling like I just ruined everything; like the world is crashing around me; I haven't been on the scale in so long, I am afraid to even look at it anymore. 

I wish I could say this is glamorous because I know the desire to starve, the need to be thin; I know the frustration of wanting Anorexia or at least the ability to practice it and not being able to. But, this is not glamorous at all.

 I can't look in mirrors without seeing a whale of a girl staring back at me, I only have two outfits I can wear now because I have breakdowns when I put something on and it points out just one more flaw. 

I'm not going to say I want healthy girls to seek out Ana or help them on their journey with her, because I don't. I wish the only people that found this blog were those already exposed to Ana. 

Please--if you are just looking for a quick fix, a fast way to lose weight, or something glamorous because you think it is what all the cool people do: 

leave; run as far and fast as you can.

Anorexia does not make everyone skinny, but it destroys every living soul it touches; it will stay with you for the rest of your life, and whether you think you will get sucked in or not I can say now that you will. Everyone does. 

I never realized quite how disrespectful I came/come across when I say that I am Pro-Ana because there are girls who have died, are dying, will have severe health problems for the rest of their lives and there are girls who come onto the internet and LOOK for that. 

Just--don't.