31, August, 2012

I am beginning to wonder if I should just make a separate page on this blog for Pro-Ana/Mia buddies? Like, you can leave your e-mail in the comments (as some of you have done) on that pro-ana/mia buddy page so I can just add it to the body? 

Ah just an idea, anyway just woke up about to dive into my piled up school work again, I am 12 hours into day 1 of my fast, I really think today is the day, no screw ups. My mom got be like a billion packs of EXTRA Polar Ice gum, it is amazing (5 calories a stick--blegh) but it suppresses my appetite enough that I don't think about, scratch that, I don't even think about food nor do I want it. 

I will be sure to post again later, nothing interesting just babbling away to keep my mind occupied (and to take a break from school!)

30, August, 2012

28, August, 2012
MTH123AR: Algebra I  
MTH203A: Geometry  
SCI102AX: Physical Science  
SCI203AX: Biology  
WLG120A: German I  

29, August, 2012
ENG203A: Literary Analysis and Composition II  
HST402: U.S. Government and Politics  
MTH123AR: Algebra I  
MTH203A: Geometry
SCI102AX: Physical Science
SCI203AX: Biology  
WLG120A: German I  

30, August, 2012
ENG203A: Literary Analysis and Composition II  
HST402: U.S. Government and Politics  
MTH123AR: Algebra I  
MTH203A: Geometry
SCI102AX: Physical Science
SCI203AX: Biology  
WLG120A: German I  

That is why I did not post like I said I would, all this school work, 3 days worth of work that I still need to finish but I promise promise PROMISE I will post all day (in one long post) tomorrow to get through my fasting again. Sigh. 

29, August, 2012

A fair warning tomorrows post will be long, rambly, and utterly pointless, so please ignore it if you want. I am only posting tomorrow to help get through my fasting day 1 :) 

It will be so much easier to fast if I actually would talk to my Ana buddies and blog when I was in trouble but I don't so I screw up but no more, I have an alarm set for different times of the day to remind me I need to text someone or watch thinspo... Blah 

28, August, 2012

Finally am back down to 146.2 but today my dad made this veggie stir-fry with noodles and added chicken. I was starving so I was not eating to be eating. It is only 170 calories per serving and it is all I have had today. I was about to get seconds but I said no, drank my water and am about to go burn 300 calories in the treadmill/work out for an hour, which ever comes last ;)

27, August, 2012

My appetite has completely vanished which is an answered prayer! I am so happy that I can finally fast with ease now. My motivation: I got asked to homecoming and the dress I want is form fitting so I need to be skinny to fit into it. :

with these gloves :

sexy right? I know! I am so excited, I will be the skinniest bitch they've ever seen!! It is September 28 or 29th and I need to be like 120-125 by then! :D Agh wish me luck!! 

24, August, 2012

Well I am back, sorry for disappearing on you all. 

Lately...I have been messing up, they are small slip ups but they happen through out the day every day and I am now 149 fuck-my-life.

I have been so stressed from school having way to much work to do, so many grades slipping down slowly simply from missing one or two points on a few tests. The added stress that if I fail ANY class I will not be a junior next year (11th grade). 

I have been so suicidal lately... I have not told anybody that... I guess I feel safer on my blog like it is my own little sanctuary where anyone that hears my secrets is bound to care or to at the very least have no way of trying to tell everyone I know about them. 

It is not a matter of if I am fasting but a matter of how long I am going to starve myself, until I feel worthy, how long I am willing to allow myself to go on. My mind is blank I am so weak and tired all of the time! When I workout my stomach churns and I am almost always doubled over from the pain inside of wanting to vomit.  

I don't feel pretty, I don't feel alive, I don't want to live like this. I hate myself so much, when I open my mouth those are the words that spill out. I had to catch myself when my mother said her goodbyes and that she loved me before heading off to work yesterday morning. 

There is nothing I could possibly want right now, not pizza, pasta, chocolate, bread, crisps... nothing. If not depression or Ana keeping me in this state then it is my complete and utter hate and revulsion towards meself that keeps me from eating, that keeps my curled in my bed, that keeps me in my room. It is all I can do to simply get out of bed and do my school work and plop back into my bed and wait for the sun to set and rise once more. 

I'll get through this though, in fact I KNOW I will get through this. Because I will not step on that damned scale until Sunday, and until then--I starve. 

16, August, 2012

I REACHED THE FIRST OF MY MAIN THREE GOAL WEIGHTS!!!! 

(145,  125, 98)

As of right now I am 145.2!!!! AGH I love this so much I think I will fast more than two days now <3

15, August, 2012

I feel empowered some how, simply by looking at all the Pro-Ana blogs and Diary blogs of Anorectics... It is almost like we are a growing community growing stronger as we all push each other towards our one, common goal... A goal that we will never in a million years reach if we felt alone and unmotivated. 

I am so sick of feeling alone and like it does not matter if I screw up. It does matter, and I am not alone, there are so many people that say I inspire them when it is really you all who inspire me, to live, to keep going, to keep losing weight, to fucking fight. I just want to express my love to every single person that reads and or follows my blog, all the people that comment, all the people that have their own blogs, all of you inspire me to push myself harder every single day and to keep going without you all who knows where I would be right now. 

Fat burning Foods: A LONG post

COMMON SENSE TIPS: Stay away from processed foods, or foods high in fat. Stick to a healthy, clean diet that consists of a wide range of citrus fruits, vegetables, lean meats, and soy. 

Fat burning foods for women? Fat burning foods for men? Screw it, our bodies may be different but our digestive system and stomachs work the same (with the tiny variation of metabolism and caloric needs).

Here is a gigantic list of fat burning foods and tricks that you should definitely incorporate into your diet as soon as possible!

• A University of Tennessee study found that dieters who consumed 1,200 to 1,300 mg of calcium daily lost almost twice as much weight as dieters who ingested less calcium.  Calcium needs: age 9 to 18=1300 mg/day; age 19-50=1000 mg/day; over age 51= 1200 mg/day. Without vitamin D, your body cannot use calcium. Excess sodium (salt) can deplete your calcium levels. So drink lots of organic skim milk, or eat foods high in calcium such as: 

1. Fat-free American cheese slices (3 slices). Calories 90. Calcium 450 mg.

2. Yogurt, plain, low fat (1 cup). Calories 110. Calcium 415 mg.

3. Sardines with bones, no oil (3/4 can). Calories 100. Calcium 372 mg.

4. Collard greens (1 cup). Calories 11. Calcium 355 mg.

5. Skim milk (1 cup). Calories 90. Calcium 306 mg.

6. Orange juice fortified with calcium (1 cup). Calories 110. Calcium 300 mg.

7. Spinach, frozen (1 cup). Calories 30. Calcium 291 mg.

8. Turnip greens (1 cup). Calories 10. Calcium 252 mg.

9. Cottage cheese (1/2 cup). Calories 100. Calcium 160 mg.

10. Broccoli (1 cup). Calories 31. Calcium 158 mg.

BUT

DO NOT TAKE CALCIUM SUPPLEMENTS BECAUSE THEY CAN KILL YOU

• Whole grain cereal is a fab source of both complex carbs and fiber, and these are what’s needed to keep your metabolism pumped by keeping insulin levels low after a meal. Since insulin spikes make your body think it’s time to start storing the fat, eating foods that lower insulin levels makes sense. Stay away from white bread and cereals, stick to whole wheat/grain bread that looks like this:

 Obviously if bread is made from wheat, it should be the colour of wheat and you should be able to see the nutrients/ingredients. Check the label on your bread if you see "bleached/enriched flour" throw that nasty shit away and run! Stick to whole grain wheat cereals, breads, and pastas for maximum health.

• Oats are a rich source of fiber, which pumps up your metabolism. And since oatmeal breaks down slowly in your stomach, says AOL Health, it doesn't cause a big insulin spike the way carbs like bagels do. Oatmeal is typically eaten for breakfast, which is an important meal to consume for anyone who wants to burn calories. Eating this meal keeps insulin production down and revs up the daily calorie burn.

• Jalapenos contain a chemical called capsaicin, which not only gives peppers their pungent flavor but speeds up the heart rate and boosts the metabolism. They’re good for spicing up not just meals but snacks, too.

• Habaneros, extremely hot chilies peppers, are found both fresh and dried in spicy foods. A recent study from Laval University in Quebec found that men who consumed coffee and red pepper-packed snacks and meals burned almost 1,000 more calories a day than the control group, according to AOL Health.

• Pungent, bright red cayenne chilies are often ground into cayenne pepper, a typical ingredient in a spicy meal. One study found that eating just one spicy meal a day boosts metabolism by up to 25 percent, reports AOL Health. The calorie burn lasts for up to 3 hours after you stop eating.

• Green tea has a chemical called EGCG that causes the brain and nervous system to run faster and helps you burn more calories. EGCG works sort of like caffeine except that caffeine causes your heart to beat faster. Want a super boost of your metabolism? Try combining caffeine and a 90 mg.dose of EGCG three times a day and you can burn an additional 80 calories a day, AOL Health says. Researchers found this out, along with the great news that you don’t have to engage in exercise for this to happen; it occurs when your body is at rest.

• Coffee contains caffeine, which helps speed up your heart rate and thus helps you burn more calories, reports AOL Health. And this benefit comes in coffee of all kinds, whether it’s iced, hot or in a mocha smoothie. Of course, the hundreds of calories in a sugar and fat-rich blended coffee drink can negate whatever heart-quickening benefit the coffee in caffeine imparts, so you may want to consider using skim milk and using honey as a natural sweetener.

Summary:

1. Caffeine
2. Peppers, spices (very hot/spicy foods will help raise your temperature, detoxify, boost metabolism and burn calories even while you chew!) 
3. Fruits (citrus fruits to be specific)
4. Vegetables (broccoli, celery, carrots, spinach (all greens) to point out the better ones)

A List of Fat Burning foods from various sources:

• Almonds and other nuts (with skins intact)

Build muscle, reduce cravings

• Dairy products (fat-free or low-fat milk, yogurt, cheese)

Build strong bones, fire up weight loss

• Eggs

Build muscle, burn fat

• Turkey and other lean meats

Build muscle, strengthen immune system

• Berries

Improve satiety, prevent cravings

• Enova oil (soy and canola oil)

Promotes fullness, not easily stored as fat

• Peanut butter

Boosts testosterone (a good thing even in women), builds muscle, burns fat

Fatty fish (such as salmon, tuna, mackerel)

Trigger fullness, fire up fat burning

• Grapefruit

Lowers insulin, regulates blood sugar and metabolism; be sure to eat the fleshy white membranes

• Green tea

Fires up fat burning

• Chili peppers

Spikes metabolism

• Spinach and green vegetables

Fight free radicals and improve recovery for better muscle building

• Whole grains (quinoa, brown rice, whole grain cereal)

Small doses prevent body from storing fat

• Beans and legumes 

Build muscle, help burn fat, regulate digestion

• Whey 

 Builds muscle, burns fat

• Apples
• Barley
• Beans
• Berries
• Broccoli
• When you're buying broccoli, pay attention to the color. The tiny florets should be rich green and free of yellowing. Stems should be firm.
• Buckwheat
• Cabbage
• Carrots
• Chicken (baked, grilled, broiled, never ever, ever fried)
• Coffee
• Corn
• Cottage Cheese (low-fat/reduced fat, organic)
• Figs
• Fish (not fried, obviously)
• Grapefruit

• Greens

We're talking collard, chicory, beet, kale, mustard, Swiss chard and turnip greens. They all belong to the same family as spinach, and that's one of the super-stars. No matter how hard you try, you can't load a cup of plain cooked greens with any more than 50 calories. They're full of fiber, loaded with vitamins A and C, and free of fat. You can use them in salads, soups, casseroles or any dish where you would normally use spinach.

• Kiwi
• Leeks
• Lettuce
• Melons

• Mustard

Try the hot, spicy kind you find in Asian import stores, specialty shops and exotic groceries. Dr. Jaya Henry of Oxford Polytechnic Institute in England, found that the amount of hot mustard normally called for in Mexican, Indian and Asian recipes, about one teaspoon, temporarily speeds up the metabolism, just as caffeine and the drug ephedrine do. But mustard is natural and totally safe, Henry says. It can be used every day, and it really works. It can speed up the metabolism by as much as 20 to 25 percent for several hours. This can result in the body burning an extra 45 calories for every 700 consumed, Dr. Henry says.

• Oats
• Onions
• Pasta
• Peppers
• Potatoes
• Rice
• Soups
• Spinach
• Sweet Potatoes
• Tomatoes
• Tofu
• Turkey
• Whole Grain Bread
• Yogurt

 

My newest blog

http://fastingforana.blogspot.com/

This blog is specifically for fasting!

This means I will only be posting fasting tips, goals, rewards, updates (about my own fasting), rants (about my own fasting experiences) etc. 

Also motivation and tricks to make fasting easier for us all!  So if you want to check it out, there is the link. I just made it like a few minutes ago so there is only 1 post so far and it is still a work in progress. 

ALSO some other stuff on this blog:

Veggie/Fruit fasting: I plan on posting recipes and such for this type of fasting as well as meal plans.

Smoothie fasting: I will be posting smoothie recipes as well as if they are good or not (most likely the reviews will be based on what others have said, not from my own experience).

Water fasting: tips, tricks, motivation, inspiration, thinspiration, journalism.  

Motivating inspiration that makes you smile

http://fat.Jezebel.will.be.defeated.aninote.com/

Just substitute Jezebel with your name and there you go! It made me laugh and cry it was so amazing :)

OR

http://your.inner.fat.girl.will.be.defeated.aninote.com/

So instead of it saying "Fat (your name here) will be defeated" it will say "Your Inner Fat Girl will be defeated"

14, August, 2012

Someone, please, be mean, be nasty, tell me I am fat, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being, a waste of space who deserves to die and should just go kill herself. I need to be humiliated and set back on track, I cannot stand myself to look in that oblong stand-up mirror that is propped against my closet door, forcing me to watch myself as I undress and struggle to button the pants i idolize with ever fragment of my very being, the pants I want so badly to wear, that I would starve myself within an inch of my very life just so I could button them and look sexy while doing it. 

I am so tired of people saying "you are doing great, I can tell you have lost weight" or "there is always tomorrow" I am so depressed and just want to sleep, sleep for a solid week so that I can starve without temptation and the endless questions of "have you eaten today?" "do you want dinner" "you look sick, do you want me to make you something?"

I hate food.. I truly do, I hate the tastes, the way it feels when it runs over my tongue and rolls down my throat like a slug, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate that it makes me fat, I hate that it travels through you like slime in a sewer pipe. I hate how it smells, that disgusting aroma that makes my stomach burn with anticipation, forcing me to eat just a little bit until it turns into a "what the fuck have I done" moment. 

My thighs have long sideways pink scars now, freshly healed from the last time I cut a few days ago, my trusty razor looks so deliciously pleasant now 

I don't want to "fix" this, I am sick of having to "fix" stuff I want to just be perfect, I want to just starve, I hate myself so much I am so weak and I will never be happy 

Please, if you want to binge or cheat... don't.. it is the most depressing thing ever and every time you do it it kills you a little inside :(

My seven day fast starts today, because I had eaten yesterday (a few hours ago) see that is my problem I starve myself all day and then binge from 9pm-11pm because my hunger flares up dominating me becoming evermore threatening like inextinguishable flames with only one weakness: food. 

If you have actually read to this point, thank you, please please if you have fasted for a week or longer on nothing but water give me some tips, I may have thousands of tips for fasting, but I tend to not listen to them unless they come from someone else.

Let me be honest...

Okay so I figure if I completely humiliate myself by being honest here, then I will be able to stop my disgusting habits!

Last night (only a few hours ago, since it is midnight now) my dad cooked gumbo which he does not do often so my mom made me eat some (with a side of rice, BLEGH!) Anyway, so about 30 minutes after eating that I had a scoop of vanilla and chocolate ice-cream with some caramel... voluntarily.... about an hour an a half later I had MORE!! Then at like 11:12-11:40 something I was snacking on Sweet and Salty mix snacks (I took the raisins out though)... so disgusted by myself! Probably totaled up to around 1000 something calories... fucking kill me... I prayed to God (Christian) asking exactly this:

"Lord, let me lose this weight and keep it off, let me reach my ultimate goal weight and lead a healthier lifestyle so that I may have a greater influence over my mother and sister-friend in order to change their lifestyles as well.. let my metabolism speed up so that I may reach my ultimate goal weight by Thanksgiving." 

Such a selfish and pointless prayer I know, but immediately after I went and weighed myself 150.8, I drank a bottle and a half of water went to the bathroom twice (have not gone in a few days) and weighed myself, 149.6 

I honestly believe he is taking mercy on me and helping me lose my weight quickly enough so that I can get back to where I was and continue... 

Maybe I am just completely insane to some of you but I don't care xD 

Anyway I will start and finish this fasting diet if it is the last thing I ever do! gum gum gum gum gum gum :) 

10, August, 2012

Hello, Lovelies I just thought I should tell you all that school has officially started for me (home school) and I have live classes through out the day on most days (10 am - 12pm), that on top of being on the computer 2-3 hours to do all of my classes and school work leaves me feeling nauseated and fatigued. It really makes me hate my computer and everything about it. 

Thus, I will not be blogging as often during the week as I will be busy with school or sleeping, which ever comes first I suppose. 

Since I am already posting, and I won't be posting again today or possibly tomorrow I will go ahead and update you.

My friend and I are going to be fasting for 6 days eating a little on the seventh day and then restarting.  I try my best despite my tiredness and apathy to workout until the point of collapsing  but it just does not do it for me, starving works best in times of business and tiredness. 

8, August, 2012

Now is as good of a time as any to make a small post on recent events.

So I tried the ABC diet and failed miserably because when I have to consume a high amount of calories as soon as I reach that amount I want more simply because I can't have more...

So I am back on the diet I invented (Skinny Bitch), it works for me, and I am going to stick to it, done listening to people who keep saying I should fast or this diet works better/faster. Screw it!

I plan on running 30 minutes to an hour a day: 5% incline at an interval of 3 and 4 MPH because I cannot push myself on this low energy diet. 

My greatest motivation? My ex- "best" friend has lost a lot of weight and is always trying to get between my lover and I (as he chose me over her) Woo lets fucking do this!! :D


Also today was an eating day... had:

boiled egg whites: 17 calories

Sandwich--
Bread: 140 calories
Tomato: 10 calories
Mustard: 0 calories
Cheese: 35 calories

Chocolate Non-Fat, No Sugar Yogurt W/ pecans:
Yogurt: 64 calories (2 oz.)
Pecans (1.5 tbsp.): 105 calories


Today's Total: 371 calories (which I will hopefully burn double that (or close to it) by tonight)

Ta-ta for now, need a nap.

5, August, 2012

So my birthday is over before it has even begun....

My brother who lives with his dad (a few states away) got a whole bunch of new shirts today that my mom is going to mail him.

My sister got tons of makeup and shit, and they are going non stop about her new promise ring her future fiance just bought her. 

I am being completely ignored, I am bored, and half of my friends, and all of my family (including both of my brothers) did not say Happy Birthday. 

I got my "birthday dinner" last night, and my sister made I cake I can't even eat (strawberry cake...loaded with calories... plus I hate fruity crap though I love fruit by itself).

To top this all off, it might as well not even be my birthday, as soon as I saw my new treadmill, and my birthday card my sister gave me, everything went back to normal. I am in my room blogging, my dad is doing bills, my mom is annoying everyone, and my sister is just visiting. 

02, August, 2012

I--after a little over a month of not doing so--cut. I keep looking over my shoulder afraid someone will take one look at me and know, know what I have done. 

I like to think that I am just super determined and motivated, but I know the truth. I am being sucked deeper and deeper into the vortex of my eating disorder. I did not start noticing until recently when things that normally I would not think twice about, caused me extreme anxiety.  Such as the simple task of jumping onto the scale 10 or 12 times a day has been cut down to 7 to 8 times as I freak out that it somehow, someway will read out my starting weight.

I am trapped in this house, not able to leave because my ED is whispering in my ear..."your too fat to leave, just lose a little bit more weight and you can leave."  "No you cannot hang out with your friends during weight loss! You have to finish it so you can completely shock them."

I always have wondered what it was like to simply live a life without fear. But that is impossible, since the beginning of mankind, each and every one of us have been programmed to fear, to second guess, to not dream because there is a slight chance that we may actually succeed in our dreams and have it ripped away from us.

I am so afraid to drink water because it adds weight, I can never tell if what the scale says is accurate or if it will suddenly change tomorrow.

1, August, 2012

OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! 146.8 pounds?!?! :D I just need to lose 1.8 lbs and I will reach my next mile stone of 145!!! Agh I am not eating dinner tonight as I had planned, I am too fucking happy!!!!

This actually means I am 4 days ahead of schedule on my diet plan (I wasn't supposed to reach 146.4 until this Sunday) but then again... I have not been eating 654 calories everyday but instead 100-300 :)