02, August, 2012

I--after a little over a month of not doing so--cut. I keep looking over my shoulder afraid someone will take one look at me and know, know what I have done. 

I like to think that I am just super determined and motivated, but I know the truth. I am being sucked deeper and deeper into the vortex of my eating disorder. I did not start noticing until recently when things that normally I would not think twice about, caused me extreme anxiety.  Such as the simple task of jumping onto the scale 10 or 12 times a day has been cut down to 7 to 8 times as I freak out that it somehow, someway will read out my starting weight.

I am trapped in this house, not able to leave because my ED is whispering in my ear..."your too fat to leave, just lose a little bit more weight and you can leave."  "No you cannot hang out with your friends during weight loss! You have to finish it so you can completely shock them."

I always have wondered what it was like to simply live a life without fear. But that is impossible, since the beginning of mankind, each and every one of us have been programmed to fear, to second guess, to not dream because there is a slight chance that we may actually succeed in our dreams and have it ripped away from us.

I am so afraid to drink water because it adds weight, I can never tell if what the scale says is accurate or if it will suddenly change tomorrow.