Has anyone else... lost ana? Could have been for a few months, few weeks or even a few years. Not by choice, not for recovery, but simply because you developed binge eating or Ana turned into EDNOS? 

Ugh... October... Since freaking OCTOBER I have been binging, eating "normally", feeling guilty but without the ability to stop it. I hate myself. Can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. 

I want her..it.. back, like seriously this is literally KILLING me! Not having any control over it, basically blacking out or going numb as I stuff my face with everything I can get my hands on everyday, only to come to my senses and try to burn it off in any way I can. But it won't matter, I can burn those calories and then some, but you know as well as I, that when you eat, you feel fatter, heavier, uglier, and no amount of calories you burn off will change that, only days of gaining your self-control will. Ugh. I want to be hungry and starve, I want the numbers to drop. I miss it so much, I can't stop it. It is like a tidal wave crashing over me. 

WAH-SAH-BEE

Wasabi is a freaking God-send!

So I had never been inside until a few days ago but there is a 100% natural and organic health food store right up the road from my house and guess what they have? Wasabi SEAWEED!!!

I plan to fast like usual and only eat Wasabi seaweed (it is like 10$ a pack) because it is so expensive my parent refuse to buy me enough for a week. Much like every new food I try and fall in love with, this is what I want and all I want and I refuse to eat anything except for this! 

My sister says eating nothing but wasabi and spicy foods, as well as drinking lots of water and cayenne/lemon water will burn a LOT of fat.<3

December Eating

Ah December.. My second least favourite month for several reasons (the first and only reason being the holiday binge fest)

• Because of course every social get together, every 'thank you' basket/gift, every party involves food, refreshments and sweets. Right? Right. 

So what do we do about this? How do we get through it?

Some Tips:

• Just like thanksgiving have a small breakfast or lunch (or keep a handful of nuts and eat a few whenever hunger starts getting a bite to it) this should keep hunger at bay before you eat out/the big feast.

• Instead of getting big plates get smaller ones, all the same size then simply make a list of everything you think will be at the feast, this way you will realize HOW MUCH food there will be so you can get only a little bit of each thing instead of huge amounts. 

• Drink lots of water and cayenne or lemon water, this will keep you full and work your metabolism.

IF YOU ARE EATING OUT

• Do NOT order anything with thick/creamy sauces, no pastas or desserts, look for something like fish, preferably salmon (that is clean and has very little calories) or salads, if you have to order a side with your meal or know you will then bring an empty purse and order a non-messy side (something like fries) and put a little bit in your purse through out the evening.

• Cut/divide your entree in half, either share with someone else or you can eat 1/4 of your entree, drink lots of diet coke (or whatever diet drink you got) and say you are full, if they say you hardly ate just nonchalantly point out that it must be how much soda you drank.  Get a to-go box and put the rest in there, pretend to forget it and if someone points it out pretend you are just being forgetful that day and just throw it out when you get home.

• EAT SLOWLY!!!!! CHEW THOROUGHLY!!! What I do is take a bit, chew real slow and put it in the side of my mouth, take a sip of my drink, swallow and then continue shewing the same food that was already in my mouth so it looks like I took two bites, or put a lot in. 

• Eat a handful of nuts or some fresh veggies (like carrots) before you go to eat. Pre-plan if you know where you are going look at the menu online, pick out 5 things that look good and find out how many calories are in it online.

FEASTING AT HOME

• Again, have a small meal/snack right before the feast, try to do some Cardio or metabolism yoga before the feast, this will shock your system enough that you won't be all that hungry (in fact it may make you not want to eat at all because of doing a workout)
• Plan out for the day exactly what you are and aren't aloud to eat (this helps if the feast is at someone else's house or in case you don't know exactly what will be at the feast) some examples: no dairy, no red meat, no meat at all, no sweets, nothing with a sauce, no etc.etc.

Basically all you can do is plan ahead, keep self-control in mind and remember your goals! Weigh yourself before you eat, wear something you wish looked better on you, look at clothes you want really bad online, look at a hairstyle you want (for me it is dreads) remember throughout the feast: those clothes won't look good if I put more weight on, I want to be skinny so I can reward myself with a new wardrobe, that hairstyle doesn't look good on fat people) 

:) Good luck my loves!!! Oh....

NO Salt!!!

NO creamy cheesy foods

and ALWAYS spice everything on your plate (if you can) with crushed red pepper/cayenne

Seriously, some thinspo in here for everyone:)

Watch this with "Turn Me On" on (my new playlist)

So... I think I have a heart disease? I was lying in bed and walked to the living room to see what my mom wanted and mid-sentence my heart started pounding and I was seeing black, I put her hand to my chest, laughing it off saying, "told you my heart was being funny" she said nothing, just..dropped it. I mean it has done it in many cases besides that, like standing still...or sitting? I hope it kills me. 

I did... a very...very bad thing and it scares me. Even though I practically hate the world right now, anyway... 

I mentioned to my dad my mother wanted a divorce in a conversation about how their unhappiness shouldn't last much longer...and he said SOMETHING (she wouldn't tell me, flat out said to me face "I don't trust you, maybe I did once but things change and so have you") to her that made her realize he knew she was planning on divorcing him, and kept asking me and my sister if we said something, anything or if we knew anyone who could have.......I know I shouldn't feel so guilty, she constantly tells him after fights 

"well we should just get a divorce then"

"Fine then lets just get a divorce" 

"Well then we can just get a fucking divorce and you can go stay with your girlfriend you lying bastard" 

And yet here she is wondering why he has put two and two together that she is planning on leaving him. 

I feel trapped. So trapped. In this body. In this house. In this fucking world. I can't even cry anymore, I have held it in so long that even when I try to cry, the pain just deepens 

Thanks for nominating me!

1. What is your favourite memory?
2. What was your first relationship like?
3. Club Party or House Party?
4. Who is your icon idol?
5. One rule that you live your life by?
6. If you could have any pet what would it be (any animal)?
7. If you had one super power what would it be?
8. Ideal celebrity partner and why?
9. What are your favourite movies?
10. What is your star sign?
11. What is your biggest regret?

1. What is your favourite memory?

When I went to the fair with my gay best friend, I was absolutely in love with him, on the ride back home we sat in the back bench-seat and he was so tired, he laid his head back and I leaned against him and he wrapped his arm around me and there we took a nap :')

1. What was your first relationship like?

I've never really had a "real" relationship, with kisses and hugs and cuddling and dates and the whole nine yards, my first relationship in general would have to be in 3rd grade, it was with this adorable little boy in my class and he likes both me and my best friend so we all went out together at the same time. 

1. Club Party or House Party?

Club party all the way!

1. Who is your icon idol?

Kristen Stewart, not because of anything special, just because she looks exactly how I want to.

1. One rule that you live your life by?

I don't eat pig. Ever.

1. If you could have any pet what would it be (any animal)?

If I could train it to do whatever I wanted, and be safe with it around then I would want a big grizzly bear.

1. If you had one super power what would it be?

To be the same as a the vampire Alice from Twilight (No body fat, live forever, amazing eye sight, strength, stamina, impossibly beautiful, graceful and fast, have the power to see into the future)

1. Ideal celebrity partner and why?

Ian Somerhalder. He is sexy as freaking hell, has a funny, sarcastic personality need I say more? 

1. What are your favourite movies?

• Howl's Moving Castle
• Beauty and the Beast
• Amadeus
• Interview with a Vampire

1. What is your star sign?

Leo

1. What is your biggest regret?

Letting myself get fat, and allowing it to stay that way by messing up.

Cut by Plumb

I Can't Do This by Plumb

Need You Now by Plumb

Shattered Life

Around 2:00 am I broke my mirror, I was staring at my reflection and in an angry rampage slammed it down, causing it to hit my weight scale (dad put it in my room so he could clean my bathroom) and shatter. I stood there for about two seconds before falling to the floor and screaming. Took me around a full hour to compose myself enough to write everything down because I had given myself a cramp and my eyes are swelling. Even now my heart feels like it is breaking still and I can feel fresh tears welling up in my eyes.

Long story but here it is as short as I can make it....

The Story:

My mom, sister and I went to Arkansas for thanksgiving, like we do every year, and planned on leaving that same day. My mom had the whole weekend off (Thursday-Sunday) , this made me really happy because I never see my mom since she works two jobs and this meant she would be able to take me shopping (i.e. the only reason I was happy for her being off). That may sound selfish but my entire closet consists of hand-me-downs (clothes that belonged to my sister/mom before me) the things that were actually mine were things that I don't even like! Plus whenever I wear an outfit that everyone thinks is cute, it is something my sister picked out from her own closet. Anyway,  of course the time came around to leave and she decides she wants to STAY, her excuse? She had gotten into yet ANOTHER big fight with my father and didn't want to face him and wanted to spend time with her mom and dad since she never sees them (mind you, she works two jobs, is home for maybe 30 minutes to an hour before she goes to bed and has maybe one day every other month where she is off all day from both jobs and even then she goes in to one of those jobs to get some hours, so she NEVER sees me either).

after about an hour and a half of debating if I wanted to leave with my sister or stay with my mom I hopped into the car and left, crying quietly and hiding my face the whole 3 hour drive. My mom had said she'd come home Friday and take me shopping, never came. She was going to come home Saturday, never came. Finally she was coming home today, Sunday, she and the family had gone to fucking Good Will (not that I think it is bad to shop there but every time my mom shops for me that is where she goes, just fucking more hand-me-down clothes). She comes home and expects me to bring all her shit in and so I do, she then shows me all the "glorious" clothes she bought.... ALL of which are either  a disarray of stripes balancing different shades of pink and sparkly silver, simply striped, polka dotted, bedazzled, or something a 10-year-old in the 90's would wear like this:

(disclaimer:please forgive me if this is actually something you would wear)

While she was in Arkansas I sent her maybe about 16 or 17 photos of my particular style (mature fall-based attire and summer chic):

Fall-based attire:

Summer chic attire:

Anyways on with the story:

I sent her these photos, and she got me fucking clothes that look like some bedazzled clown from the 70's threw up on! She even had a shirt that had "70's" and "80's" stamped on it like it was some new hipster trend and was all like "I got you this just knowing you would love it because you love the seventies or eighties, well anyway it was one of those" I snapped my head up so fast and glared at her with every ounce of hate I could muster and spat "1800's--I said I liked the 1800's, the VICTORIAN ERA! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CLUE WHO YOUR OWN DAUGHTER IS!" and then like the drama-queen I am I stormed out slamming the door behind me feeling overwhelmingly like I was betrayed. 

Which leaves me to bring up the mirror, I was stressed from crying off and on about how my mother always ruins everything (usually when she shops for me whether I am with her or not she buys things that look like stuff she wears or stuff she wishes she could wear etc. claiming its something I said I liked even though I blatantly say I hate it) and I smashed the mirror. 

This mirror is so symbolic and I did not even REALIZE it until those two seconds I stood there listening to the echoing sound of shattered glass tinkling to the carpet-covered floor. It symbolizes the beginning of my eating disorder, looking into it that first day my sister moved out, leaving it behind and poking at my stomach. It symbolizes my family, since my sister has had it since my brother still lived with us, since before all those moves, since before my parents declared divorce, since before I fell into this depression and my entire life became turmoil....before all that the mirror had been there. And in a flash of rage I broke it finalizing the fact that my life is falling apart at the seams and that in a matter of months everything I knew will be gone...

My parents will be in the process of getting a divorce, I will be out of school, I will be living in Arkansas with my mom in a house my Grandma is giving us while my dad stays behind wasting away from stress... and my friends will continue to grow more and more distant as if I never existed, the last threads of my memory being snipped away until nothing is left except the bitter taste of depression in my place. 

I wish I could start at the beginning, with someone, tell them everything, every secret, every emotion and painful memory, everything I could never tell my many therapists (in which I only had each for one day), could never tell my friends or boyfriends in fear they'd worry or not care (or think something along the lines of me getting too personal and should be talking to a therapist not them), could never tell family. I feel like if I don't get it out soon, to someone, anyone...my heart will implode, and I will finally decide that nothing really is worth fighting for anymore.

and yes, this all started because of clothes.

Thanksgiving Thinspo

This is how she did it:

And lastly:

My Personal Favourite~~