October is getting closer

111.4 pounds

I am so excited! I'm already in the Halloween spirit, which is great for me because last year, for some terrible reason, I couldn't get in the mood.. and it didn't even feel like Fall let alone October/Halloween until the day of and even then, I did nothing for the holiday so I was really upset when it was over - this year is different! I am going to prepare a calendar for daily things I'd like to do such as like... 

buying a costume, carving a pumpkin, baking pumpkin seeds, making "scary" treats mm... decorating, and of course I will have a halloween movie for every day of the month (movie marathons on the days that I don't have an activity planned)

I'm going all out this year lol, I really, desperately need something good..

My dog passed away recently, the absolute love of my life and it has torn me up inside. I wear his dog tag and still carry his ashes with me anytime I go out of town and I leave them above my bed when I sleep... It's killing me to be here without him - he was the only thing in this world I really loved aside from one of my other dogs, she is still with me but even she can't fill that void.

My mom and I also finally left my father - finally got the proof after all these years that he is a perverted and sick bastard; no details. I don't really want to talk about it. Considering I am going to group and individual therapy for my eating disorder treatment every week, I talk about those horrible things enough.

This is about HAPPINESS.

OCTOBER. 

HALLOWEEN.

It's coming, y'all. 

Oh.. right, I forgot, I am in treatment for my eating disorder now, and was officially diagnosed with Anorexia Binge-Purge Subtype. I am not sure if I already told y'all that, if not then there you go. Official diagnosis for all the snobs who have been giving me grief since day 1 that I created this blog for my ED 

Bulimia sucks

I seriously do not recommend it. 

In fact, I heavily advise anyone who even attempts to think about trying it to run in the opposite direction.

Anyway.

119.2 lbs

Yeah.

Still fat. 

I'm starting my nursing classes in the fall, just graduated and got my CNA license a month ago - so there is that until I can officially become an RN. Which is an ironic career choice for someone with an ED, I know. Whatever.

Word to the wise?

If you have an ED ... workout .. seriously, get your protein and vitamins in when you can and workout - I didn't and now I am skinny fat so woo-hoo.. I was fat fat and now I am skinny fat

No skinny for the wicked

I'll get there

Back again

Sorry for the erratic posting - I have been super busy with school and just.. life, I guess.

I'm 122 now, I was 121.8 but with all the purging it is touch and go.

I just got my CNA license, and driving license (late on the uptake, I know)

and I'm starting my nursing classes in the Fall..

I'm feeling a bit better now that I am in the 120s like I'm finally doing something but it's not enough.

I'm still as fat and disgusting as ever -- so onward and downward, as they tend to not say

138.4 

and I just purged for the second time in my life .. It was easier this time to get it started and get some up which worries and excites me.. I just want to keep doing it

scratch that

It is a LOT easier now, I ate some cereal, didn't get it all up but I did get a lot and then I got really bad stomach cramps and diarrhea.. but now I feel fine and I gained some water weight and a little from the food that was left which will go away soon

139.2

Finally!

FINALLY

I broke my plateau, because I'm water fasting, and no way you can't lose doing that

I'm 139.8 

I'm finally in the 130s so onward and downward I'm going to keep fasting I am so pleased that I am losing again and have reached a new low weight in .. well a really, really long time.

Day 2 of 7 here we go

*taps mic* Hello?

140.0

I have been jumping back and forth from 140.7 and 141.0 for the past 3 days and I am just about to pull my hair out I am so ready to be in the 130s and making progress again   --

 plateaus suck, S-U-C-K, suck. 

I realize I have been here before, and yes, it has, embarrassingly, taken me this long (about 1 or 4 years?) to get BACK here. 

Because no matter how much I starved, I still struggled with binges -- luckily I no longer have that problem and it has only taken me 6 weeks to drop from 151.2 to 140.0 

...

Ah sweet bliss, I am finally making and seeing small amounts of progress .. a small reward from my seemingly endless suffering. 

No idea how much damage I have done to my body or metabolism! Which is what makes the weight loss (or lack, thereof) so infuriating for me. 

I just hope I don't jinx anything and it keeps falling off. 

30 Jan

I know no one wants me to delete this blog, so I won't, but I feel kind of weighed down by it so I created another one strictly for Accountability; of which I will make public in a week or so.

I update it much more often, almost daily, and there will be no personal rants there; mainly it will focus on the diets that I am on at any point in time, and not tips, thinspo or random new diets I find.

The reason I'm reluctant to make it public is because it documents my current weight and I will be posting body checks there at the end of each diet... 

So if you're interested I'll be posting the link soon, and after that I will avoid posting here  

25 January

I feel disgusting and unhappy; I wish it were possible to sleep while you starved, even if that meant feeling the pain without being able to do anything about it -- I'd take that any day over this.

I have small fasting goals set for this week

1. 24 hours

2. 48 hours

3. 72 hours

4. 96 hours

5. 168 hours

I'll tick off each one as I complete them...

I'm not comfortable sharing my weight or anything like that right now, 

I do have a therapy session this Monday, which I guess I'm happy about; it'll give me a chance to get all my problems with my father out into the open. Also, and the main reason I'm agreeing to this, it will be a good distraction while I'm fasting. 

I really want to write a book, satirical maybe, chronicling the horrifically awful journey through an eating disorder and what it does to you psychologically, emotionally, and physically. Not from the perspective of a Girl/Guy recovered, just a person simply suffering through this awful thing; and definitely no plots or anything like Winter Girls -- I want to write something raw and real. 

I know I used to be one of the very girls I'm about to condemn, but oh well, I've changed:

I can't stand when people refer to Anorexia, EDNOS, and Bulimia as a "friend" or an actual person; yes, it can manifest as thoughts or a voice in your head, but that doesn't separate it from you. Don't disassociate so much that you convince yourself it's some chick trying to help get you to your goal weight so you can be thin. It's not.

It's a thing. A mental illness. And it will kill you, fat, skinny, it doesn't matter. It. Will. Kill. You.

I can't believe it has already been 5 years since this really spiraled; I mean it has always been there in the sense that I would skip meals to control my emotions or other people, or whatever, and I've always been very body-conscious... but it was never something. It didn't turn into a never-ending cycle of fast-restrict-binge until then. 

That doesn't matter now though I suppose. 

I'm going to be 18 this year and that scares me so bad... I just want to hide from the world and go back to when I was a child -- I don't want to think about it or feel anything. I wish it would all just go away.

Is this relevant? I have a guy who is thinking about marrying me... 

Oh wow

So going to get my friend this wednesday, woot-woot yet another, annual, 7.5 hour car drive! 

Yeah, and it has been a month today since I last talked (vocally) to anyone. I've forgotten the sound of my voice and it even invades my dreams. I'm genuinely frightened to talk now, and I don't want to lose the "control" as my sister, so kindly, puts it. But... I'm going to have to if my best friend is staying here for 3 weeks, right? I can't just... mouth stuff to her?

Jesus 

Yup

I've become addicted to throwing away food; the thought of it not going into my body, the thought of how angry it would make my mother, and the knowledge that my dad works his ass off to pay for it; oh man it feels good!

So far I've trashed:

(I opened everything and poured it out so it can't be recovered)

• two medium-sized bags of cereal
• 3 large slices of dominos pizza (that was all that was left of it)
• a can of progresso soup
• a large king-sized chocolate bar
• a large bag of trail mix
• a large bag of sunflower seeds
• our last pizza pocket
• a can of doctor pepper

If I don't get a handle on this the house is going to be empty before dawn 

Worlds of Daffodils

That's my favourite flower.

I'll be 18 in 502 days as of right now.

I found this song due to my obsession with Jeff the Killer and it really sums up my mother and I's relationship:

If you don't feel like listening, the main part I identify with:

"You lie silent there before me

Your tears may mean nothing to me now

The wind howling at the window

The Love you never gave

I give to you

Really don't deserve it

But now there's nothing you can do

So sleep in your only memory of me

My dearest mother

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes (goodbye)

It was always you that I despised

I don't feel enough for you to cry (oh well)

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes (goodbye)"

My mother and sister are going to Arkansas to visit my brother, who is back from Afghanistan, and I am supposed to go, but the physical ache I feel prevents me from even thinking about it. I am physically terrified to leave the house because I am so self-conscious of my body and how grotesque I feel. I honest to G-d feel morbidly obese, when I look in the mirror I see a 300 pound girl, and I feel all the fat on me--I feel the fat inside of me; 

I don't remember what I look like anymore, all I see is fat and hatred. 

For some reason my disorder has focused some of my obsession onto Jeff the Killer (drawing him), my brain obviously isn't able to handle the constant self-belittlement and needed another outlet/distraction and so I draw him--all the time. For hours. All night, and half of the day because he's the only thing I can draw and drawing is the only thing that brings solace.   

My sleeping is awful, insomnia has taken its hold on me; I want so badly to be normal, I want so badly to understand how people eat without having mental breakdowns afterwards. How are there people that don't hate themselves? How are there people who don't feel or think this way? 

I don't get it, because it seems like this is all there ever is, was, or will be for me--this freaking disorder that makes me neither skinny nor fat but only enlarges my perception of everyone and myself as well as destroying my self-esteem to the point that I feel sorry for everyone who even has to look at me. I feel sorry for my love because he doesn't deserve me, a disgusting shit. I don't even deserve to die, I just shouldn't even exist, I'm nothing but a waste of space and growing anxiety.

I'm annoying and I complain too much; I'm depressed and I don't even know why anymore; 

Is this the normal psyche for a sufferer with an ED? I feel like a freak, I feel like other girls with EDs are skinny, beautiful and happier--and that they'd all make fun of me for being so outlandishly weird and over dramatic. I'm too fat to have an ED, so worse yet I feel like everyone wants to just scream at me that it is all in my head and I'm making it up. 

Heh, no

You'd think it would be beneficial and motivating to have a mother that wants to lose weight, because it keeps you triggered and she is less likely to stop you from starving/over exercising, but... it is more like...it's making me suicidal

So she bought this soy protein powder so we can make shakes and we both had one for breakfast and it is not like I was planning on eating anything for the rest of the day until dinner (which of course, I cannot lie, I binged on spinach salad and pizza pockets) when she goes:

"And you know these things are so filling you probably won't even need to eat again today; look, I have only drunk half and I'm already full, and I have not even eaten yet today, you even had that banana earlier." 

(my glass already being empty)

ARARRGGH

You're fatter than me you condescending little ball of putrid stinking ugly blubber!

(that ugly bit makes me feel a bit guilty..)

You may be 5 pounds lighter than me, and you may have lost 17 pounds over the course of a year

but you are literally 4 TIMES my size, and that is just your boobs! 

STOP PATRONIZING ME LIKE YOU HAVE ALL THE SECRETS TO WEIGHT LOSS NO ONE CAN SEE THAT 17 POUND LOSS SO STOP MENTIONING IT LIKE YOU'RE SOME VICTORIA SECRET MODEL ALL OF THE SUDDEN

It is so infuriating because if I did not already have an eating disorder, then she'd harass me until her dying breath just to ensure I get one 

She talks about being "worried" because my sister looks underweight and has had anorexia in the past but she brings it up all the time like it's a fucking accomplishment.

AUGH

no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-NO

I don't need you reminding me coke has calories and lots of sugar so I should drink water instead

I don't need you reminding me I should try to only eat once a day and that I eat too much

I don't need you reminding me to take an adderall so that I don't eat today

I DON'T NEED YOU TELLING ME FUCKING TIPS THAT WOULD GIVE ANYONE AN EATING DISORDER THAT I ALREADY KNOW AND DO SUBCONSCIOUSLY  

but.. thanks for the pills, gum and laxatives mum, you're a freaking doll xxx

I am so SICK of my eating disorder not being taken seriously or even noticed because my own mother and sister have one. I am so SICK of being fat.

I don't want to be toned. I don't want a cute butt, lean thighs or ripped abs. I don't want guys to look at me. I don't want girls to be envious. I don't want to be ALIVE.

I want to be emaciated

frail

bones

i want blue lips, pale skin, and I want to be so thin people are scared to touch me; look at me

I want to disappear because there is too freaking much of me

I want to starve because I feel like punching myself and cutting myself every time I feel my clothes rub me the wrong way and it reminds me that I'm fat or when the scale is too high or when I can feel the fat inside of me, the feeling of being full, the freaking awful feeling....

I don't freaking care about stupid bikinis

or sexy costumes

or hot boys

or cute little black dresses

I want to STARVE and be surrounded by people that accept that without becoming the HUMAN MANIFESTATION OF ANOREXIA HERSELF

UGH why can't I just sleep until I am bones

3 months

Urgh so I always visit my best friend every summer, well...she visits me, and this summer I'm visiting her; and her cousin is super pretty and skinny and all the guys love her and we actually really, really dislike each other. Like, a lot. 

She even went back and said that a top I wore looked awful and made me look fat so I have got to lose all this freaking weight before I go down there or else I am not going. 

I don't even allow myself to leave the house if I have not lost the proper amount of weight yet, how the hell am I supposed to face this girl if I am not emaciated bones by the time I visit?

____

I feel guilty about throwing away food... do any of y'all feel guilty when you hide food/throw it away? 

____

I've been drinking 2 litres of water a day and it's driving me up the wall having to go to the flipping bathroom every two minutes (okay, more like every 30 minutes); Does drinking lots of water like that help you lose weight quickly along side restricting?

I feel so fatigued it is as if someone has been sucking the very life from my bones, leaving me a slouched bag of fat. Ugh.

I am using my sister's bikini as motivation , well...not really motivation, but a reminder that if I don't lose weight, then I am going to have to wear that thing all summer looking like a dried up beach whale

hahaha I freaking hate myself  

Workout Tips and..embarrassing

NOTICE: When I talk about working out or whatever in my Tips I am usually referring to running/walking on a treadmill/in a gym/outside, I don't do much else, but plenty of the tips will still apply to you if you don't do any of those. 

So first, before I post these tips  I am going to post my progress for today (as of right now it is 7:07 am); 

(also, I sleep from 11 am - 12 am so my meal times/workouts are in the am not pm)

What I ate: 

(you can skip past this if you want)

• cabbage soup - 13 calories
• Rice cake with salsa - 55 calories
• Gum - 5 calories
• 2 cookies - 107 calories
• chocolate - 60 calories
• chips - 140 calories
• Chocolate - 60 calories
• Chocolate - 60 calories
• Soup - 140 calories
• 1 cookie - 54 calories

Intake: 694 calories

Exercise: -700 calories

Net Intake: -6 calories

This is embarrassing but this is what happens if you aren't careful:

I know this is really personal and gross but no one said Anorexia was glamorous, but anyway I burned off 700 calories in a matter of an hour and a half or so (about 98 minutes), I was going 3.0 miles per hour until I reached -164, and for a cool down I decided I would slow it down to 2.0 MPH (I kept this up until I reached an even -700 calories) and when I stopped the treadmill and bent over to catch my breath...I freaking peed... thank G-d I had enough time to cross my legs and hold it in until I could run to my bathroom. Yeah...embarrassing...I don't have a problem with getting gas while on my treadmill (most people do), but I do have a problem with not feeling my bladder, apparently. So has anything like that ever happened to one of you? Maybe not peeing yourself, but anything embarrassing while working out. 

Anyway, yeah, I about passed out as well; I stared at myself in the mirror for like 5 minutes because I was confused and it felt like I was walking funny (or like the room was moving around me). It was awful, never want to do it again.

WORK OUT TIPS

(these are MY tips, do not post them anywhere without my consent)

Slow down, don't stop

Cramps & Other Pain:

• If your heart hurts, you're not getting enough oxygen; the heart is a muscle like any else, so if it is cramping you need to focus on your breathing (make sure you are breathing in as deep as you can through your nose and all the way out of your mouth).
• If your lungs hurt, do not stop! This is how you build endurance and strengthen your lungs; just like with your heart, you need to breathe in through your nose, out your mouth! If you are on a treadmill, for example, and going 3.5, then slow it down to 3.0 and hold that pace; your lungs should stop cramping if you are breathing properly. 
• If your upper spine/shoulders/neck hurt then it is not actually your spine but rather 1 of 3 things: your body is releasing stored toxins from your muscles, your body isn't used to moving these muscles or pinched nerves. Now, it is most likely going to be the second one, your body is not used to using these muscles (if you slouch a lot or just don't generally have a good posture), then of course they're going to be a bit sore during and possibly after you workout (usually this happens when walking/running). 
• If your fingers feel hot, thick, and like they have their own pulse then this is toxins/salt settling there; the quickest remedy is holding your arms up so your hands are above your head (wiggle your fingers around to get the blood flowing). To prevent this you need to cut salt out of your diet or decrease it significantly, drink lots of water an hour or two before you workout (make sure you pee it out first) and make sure you're getting enough water daily to flush out the toxins in your blood being released from organs and muscles (this increases when your workout). 

Breathing & Endurance:

• You might notice when your heart rate is up it feels like you're not getting enough oxygen, especially when you're trying to breathe in your nose; this is most likely because of the extra amount of blood being distributed through out your body, if you hold off on slowing down and continue to breathe deeply in your nose and out your mouth then your body will open up your nasal passage and you will experience the best of breathing in and out of your nose (your heart will even out its pace and you might feel swollen fingers which I'll get to in a minute).
• To build endurance you need to workout 60 minutes a day 4 to 5 times a week; if that is too long then bump it down to 30 minutes a day 5-6 times a week; and if that is too much time then bump it down to 15 minutes a day 6-7 days a week... if that is too much time from your day, then you're making excuses and don't really want to lose weight / get in shape.
• Also, you can be over weight and still be in better shape than a "skinny" person; so don't think you need to jump right into running to prove yourself; just start slow and in time you will be able to run no problem and the weight will just fall off. (If you ever watched "The Biggest Loser" there was an episode where this 230-280 pound man RAN on a treadmill for an hour, he did not jog or speed walk, he ran; that is something you work up to). 

How to Burn More Calories:

• Before every workout decide either how many calories you want to burn or how long you want to workout; this way you won't be able to talk yourself out of working before you've made any real progress. Remember to have realistic expectations of your body and its current condition, don't go to the gym expecting to burn 1000 calories if you haven't seriously worked out in a couple months. 
• Use my method of "plus 150", by doing this I decided I needed to stop trying to burn 1000 calories every time I got onto the treadmill, because it made the road ahead far too long and I'd only get discouraged and over do myself (which left me not wanting to workout for days or even weeks). What you do is on day 1 you burn 100 calories, and if you can continue, then add on 50; day 2 you burn 200 calories and if you can continue, then add on 50; you will continue this every day and you will be surprised how much easier it is to burn 400-500 calories a day. Remember, you don't have to push yourself the entire workout simply because you think that'll burn more, faster.. it won't, in fact it will probably burn you out and make you associate working out with displeasure.

Prevent Over Heating:

• Drink a bottle of water 30 minutes before you work out, and keep two bottles of water (or a big container of water) with you at all times during your workout.
• Wear light clothing (such as baggy shorts and a tank top), you don't need to buy hundreds of workout clothes so instead spend a pretty good bit of money on some workout capris/shorts and top that are a good quality material. The best are the ones that are breathable, and keep your sweat from evaporating (yes, they are more than likely going to stink a lot, but it will keep you cool).
• If you run outside then make sure you are somewhere with plenty of access to shade; if you run at the gym or on your own treadmill then have a couple of fans going and/or your door open for air flow. 
• Symptoms of heat exhaustion: dizziness, nausea, dehydration, light-headed, confusion, weakness, profusely sweating, muscle cramping, rapid heart beat (though that could be from working out).

Exhaustion/Soreness & Bulking Up

• No matter how advanced society gets with cosmetic surgery, workout techniques, or dietary fads...our bodies are still going to be animals living on instinct. Our minds are hardwired for survival, they (brains) are not stupid, even if you think they are. If you are not in immediate danger, your mind knows this and it will do everything it can to get you to slow down and conserve energy; this is why our bodies store food as fat, our brains don't realize there is no famine, no immediate danger coming at us, and so when we try to burn off all its resources it freaks out by making you feel weak, cramped, out of breath, and can even try to convince you to stop (Oh I can take a break, Oh I can just eat less, Oh I just will do it tomorrow). The best way to combat your mind is to find modern-day dangers to push yourself (what if there was a government take over and you were forced to survive in the wilderness, would you be able to? What if you were being chased by a murder, would you get away? What if...; if that does not work then get the app "Zombies, Run!", it combines your music playlist with a zombie story and there is nothing scarier then hearing zombies right behind you, despite knowing they aren't there)
• So when working out if you get to that point where you are just tired, weak, and feel like you are about to pass out... you need to stop for a moment. Take a deep breath, slow down your heart rate and then start again. You need to remember to SLOW DOWN; you do not ever stop. If your legs, lungs or heart is cramping then you are not breathing properly; don't try to breathe fast just because you feel you're about to suffocate, maintain an even pattern of deep breathing in your nose and out of your mouth. (I'll talk about this in the next section if you're interested in learning more).
• When you are sore the day after working out then you've made progress and should not workout until the soreness is completely gone! This could take one day or even a week depending on how hard you worked out (I got so sore once I almost cried every time I had to pee because it hurt to sit and stand up). Soreness is your muscles repairing themselves and getting stronger, and if you want to burn more calories and workout for longer periods of time, then you need to give your body a break; DO NOT be afraid of getting "bulky", building muscle speeds metabolism, re-wires your body so it no longer stores fat, but instead uses it for energy, and it helps you maintain your weight and keep off the weight you've lost. The only way you would get bulky is if you are eating huge amounts of protein every day and constantly pushing your body harder every time you work out (for instance if you got sore from lifting 15 lb dumbbells, you will not get more muscular unless you up it to 20 lb dumbbells the next time you workout, instead your muscles will lean out and burn the excess fat.)

Breathing & Your Nose

• I know you get sick of hearing "breathe in your nose and out your mouth", because I do too; I've heard that so many times it is almost the same is "an apple a day keeps the doctor away". Is there truth to this? Yes. While when I work out it occasionally feels like I am not getting enough air into my lungs (like I can't breath deep enough or fast enough, or like my nasal passage has closed a bit), I still manage to maintain a steady rhythmic breathing, and you know what? I never get thigh, leg or butt cramps any more and I hardly ever get lung cramps (when I do, it does not take long to get rid of them). 
• No matter how fast your heart is going, how badly you want to gulp down air by the gallon through your mouth, you must keep your breathing steady! I can't stress this enough! BREATHING properly is key to building endurance and having long, enjoyable workouts (thus burning more calories). 
• If your nose feels "thick" like there is not enough air getting through then you need to breathe slower; breathe as deep as you can in your nose and slowly out of your mouth (do not slow down your workout, I can breathe like I am meditating while going 3.5 MPH). If you don't know how to do this then pretend you are trying to slow down your heart rate, eventually your heart will actually slow down a bit (this is good), and the blood in your body will start distributing itself to where it needs to be (muscles), your nose should now feel clear and open, you should feel the air going up your nostrils and curving down towards your lungs. 
• If you smell iron/blood, and feel a pinching sensation in your nose, this is nothing to worry about; just keep breathing (try not to speed up your breathing or your nose will close up again).
• If your lungs are cramping, then you're not getting enough oxygen through your system; no muscle (including you heart) should be cramping when you are walking at 3.0-3.5 mph (I don't recommend going any speed higher than 3.5 unless it is 6.0 mph and higher; jogging is really bad for you).

Laziness/Wanting To Stop (don't over do it)

• If you cannot ever seem to get around to working out, then you need to find your motivation and just do it! If you ever eat from boredom, stress or any other emotion, then there are no excuses--you have time and the means for working out. Boredom, anger, depression are all motivation for working out.
• If you're working out and wanting to stop, then take a five minute break and come back to it; try a different exercise. If you hardly ever workout, and try to compensate by pushing yourself to your absolute limits every time you do, then you're going to burn yourself out. Exercising is nearly impossible if you are out-of-shape and trying to do what professional athletes do as a warm-up. You must start slow, no matter how frustrating it is or embarrassing; even if it makes you feel fat; just remind yourself.. if you go slow, you'll get in a longer workout and burn more calories whereas if you push yourself all at once, you'll burn only a little and not want to work out again for a really long time. 

My Motivations

• Good Music. When I workout, I find that my music is what determines how I feel throughout the entire time. If my music is slow or quiet, then I focus more on how tired, out of breath, exhausted I am; so when you workout make sure your music is loud enough that you cannot hear your own breathing (this is actually a thing, if you can hear yourself breathing, you're more than likely going to get tired quicker). You want your music to be fast and have a good beat/rhythm. Even if you are only walking slow, having a good soundtrack will motivate you to workout longer, and helps you build endurance by making you want to move faster with the music. (I usually listen to dubstep, but sometimes it is slow or I just get sick of it; songs like "Mr. Brightside by The Killers" and "Come and Get It by Selena Gomez" are great for working out. 
• Get angry or use memories/thoughts to propel you forward; anger works the best, especially if it is something that you can't usually express; think about all the times you've been embarrassed by your weight, all the times your weight has made you miss out on life, all the times you've cried over your weight and so on. I usually think about my mother joking about my weight, how angry I am when clothes don't fit or how with every step I am getting lighter. Exercise is a healthy coping mechanism, use this time to escape to your own world instead of letting it be just another dreadful thing on your to-do list. Cry, laugh, get angry, talk to yourself, yell at the world, whatever... just make working out a positive experience, one that leaves you feeling peaceful and then you'll start turning to that for comfort instead of food. 
• Most of the time when I work out and I want to quit I tell myself "just get to 200, then you can stop", but then I feel like I didn't really do anything, so I push to 300... and everyday it gets easier and easier to burn off 100, 200 and 300 calories, and every day that I continue to push myself longer (not harder) if another day that I am making count. 
• Think about how far away summer vacation is, swimsuit season; think about your birthday or new years... do you REALLY want to face another year of being disappointed in yourself because you wasted another year on being fat? Your youth is NOW, and if you wait too long, then you'll regret it forever. 

Reminders:

• "It is hard"; no one said it would be easy losing weight; if you want easy, then go ahead and eat your pizza and chocolate and forget about your goals, but do not complain about being fat or unhappy  with yourself to anyone, no one likes people who do that. 
• Loud, fast music, and a reason to fight will ensure an amazing workout for you; distract yourself when you workout not by thinking of bikinis or toned thighs (unless that works for you), but instead focus on your anger for letting yourself get to where you are (anger, when strong enough, has the same effect as adrenaline; it will numb all the sensors your brain sends out telling you that you're tired, and it actually renews your energy; by the time you finish working out you will not be angry anymore, and you'll feel a lot better). Remember: only the fittest will survive. 
• "Slow down, don't stop"; always START and END your workouts slowly; you need to give your body a chance to warm up (don't stretch before walking/running); and you want to give yourself something to look forward to with every workout. What do you think will create a longer, more successful workout: looking forward to stopping and passing out on the bed, or slowing down a bit to catch your breath? I find that I am 20 times more tired and ready to stop when I am focused on ending my workout (especially when I am minutes/seconds away from the end), but when I am focused on the small period where I get to slow down then my body is not freaking out and completely focused on passing out because it knows it will have a cool down.  You CAN have short bursts in your workout if you want, but if you want to have a long workout then you probably shouldn't. 
• "Unless you puke, faint, or die keep going" - Jillian Michaels 
• "Let everything motivate you, not set you back" if you binge, if something is too tight, if you had a bad day, if you failed your "diet" etc. then don't let that discourage you or convince you to give up on that diet or whatever; use that to motivate you to keep going when you're working out, and use that experience as a future reference for the next time you want to binge/snack/mess up. 

Good luck, darlings xxx

Why Would Anyone Come Back?

When you recover, when you have not recovered, when you seek out a mental illness you do not have, you may ask yourself: why would anyone sane choose anorexia, or fall back into its death grip once they've escaped?

Anorexia is so safe, it is like a nestled cocoon that we can wrap ourselves in like a blanket or a bubble to protect ourselves from everyone else. We are all in our own little world of calories, weight, numbers, control, and thin. You get to a point where it is almost therapeutic to obsess over all the numbers in your head, being forced to plan out your meal plans a week ahead..and so on. You get to a point where all the silly rituals of strict diet regimens and workouts, snapping rubber bands on your wrist, and looking at thinspo becomes...comforting. Whether your too weak to move or your still trying to get to double digits, there is no denying that this illness is our home. 

Without it, who are we?

I try so hard to keep Ana separated from myself by calling it "her" and "Ana" as if it were a person, but I know it is me, I am it. This illness has consumed me and you cannot love me without accepting it as well, because there is not one without the other... 

Without Anorexia I would be so miserably lost; I have no idea who I am without it; I don't think about anything else, I don't talk about anything else, my entire life has been planned around it, and...literally this illness is not just about food and thinness, it changes everything you are...and that is why when you recover it never really goes away...

It has infused itself into every cell, every fiber, every inch of me...it has infiltrated my life and changed every aspect, every relationship... 

I have no personality; I don't remember who I was before this eating disorder, I don't remember what I used to think about, talk about, or what I did instead of count calories, obsess over food, bones and weight...I don't remember who I was before...I think that girl has died, maybe she died long before I found Ana, I don't know.

I LOVE my eating disorder; I love the isolation, the protection, the safety...I love the tiny little bubble of secrets, excuses and lies it has forced me into that keeps everyone at arms length. I love how calm it makes me because I feel like I am drowning, constantly, because everyone seems to have their shit together and here I am failing at school because I am too busy worrying about food and how to get this fat off of me.

I love the -- sameness. How everyone that suffers knows exactly what one another are going through: the thoughts, the emotions, the binging/purging/starving cycles, the loathing, the self-harm, the reasons, the triggers.... we all know one another, we all understand and we don't judge. 

We know exactly how welcoming and cruel Ana is, we know how ugly and yet so beautiful it is; so why does it complete me? Why does it make me feel so damn safe? Maybe because it makes life so much easier if the only thing you have to think, worry and obsess about is weight, calories, and numbers. 

I don't know.

Current

Sunday: 200 calories

Monday: 200 calories

Tuesday: 0 calories

Wednesday: 0 calories

Thursday: 200 calories

Friday: 0 calories

Saturday: 200 calories

It is actually quite easy for me to "not eat" than it is for me to try and restrict to a certain number of calories; It is so hard to fight that insufferable urge to binge when I break a fast. It is not even that 200 calories doesn't fill me up for the day, because on any given day I can eat 1 chip and be happy with that, but when I fast and then go into a restricting day.. oh my gosh

 I already have my eating planned out and I am hoping that I can go to sleep as soon as I finish so that way I cannot eat anything afterwards, and when I wake up I will take an adderall to cut off my appetite... 

oh and a tip from personal experience: 

If you Binge a lot on Low Calorie Diets:

I know you don't want to hear this but...you need to start at a reasonable calorie intake. If you have been eating in the recommended 2000-1200 calorie range, then how do you expect your body to just magically adjust to a strict and restrictive diet? It won't, it will retaliate out of fear and make you binge. 

There are 2 scenarios:

• You eat 1200 calories every day for a week, and cut 200 calories from that number as the weeks go by, thus your stomach will start shrinking...leading to you requiring less and less food; You will work your way down to 200 calories a day and find that, that is actually the perfect amount for you and you will lose lots of weight. 

Or

•  You can get impatient, after years of binging, and eating 2000 calories you decide you want to jump right into eating 200 calories a day and it leaves you ravenous for more so you do everything you can to distract yourself, but you give in. This is too hard, you think; so you give up and go back to your old eating habits.

Which scenario do you want? Be patient, you did not put the weight on over night, and it isn't coming off that way either. Just because you fast or immediately go down to 200 calories after a 2000 calorie diet does not mean you will automatically shed the weight right off.. you will more than likely just put it back on and then some. 

Just saying <3

Anti-Pro Ana?? Part 1

Oh my goodness, please, I wish these people would get a grip; there is a massive difference between supporting recovery/wanting to stop pro-ana and unintentionally bashing every single person who suffers from an eating disorder.

Like, how fucking dare you say someone does not have an eating disorder, or set the standards for having one if you have never even had anything SIMILAR to an eating disorder.

Do you honestly think you will benefit someone, save a life, or whatever by telling young, and obviously impressionable girls and gents, that they are stupid, liars, pathetic and so on because they are supporting each other to stay alive? That it is "all in there head" and "just another failed attempt at dieting"...

Whether a girl has anorexia or not, if she is even trying to practice the habits of any eating disorder then obviously something is very, very wrong. 

Ugh, just... you're not helping anyone, so stop. 

Obviously, I know that just because you skip one or two or even four meals every once in a while, that you are not anorexic; I know that just because you may experience two or three symptoms, it does not mean you have an eating disorder.

But how dare you say, that someone who has an eating disorder, that does only skip one or two meals a week, that only experiences three or four symptoms is any less of a person, has any less pain--than someone who suffers with all the symptoms, who never eats. 

Anorexia is different for EVERYONE. Not every anorectic is overweight or underweight, not every anorectic shows an abnormal eating pattern! 

You can eat normal, three times a day, but exercise your ass off to burn every calorie while still maintaining a normal weight and still have anorexia so shut the hell up if you are not a doctor, therapist, psychiatrist or ... you know what, how about you just don't fucking worry about whether someone is diagnosed or not?

If someone is looking a "thinspo" and desires to starve him or herself, then they deserve someone to tell them that they have been heard, and you are willing to help them through this; not some pretentious bitch know-it-all telling them they don't have anything wrong with them, and that they are pathetic for "wanting" and eating disorder"

No one WANTS anorexia, and if you do then you are already suffering from some form of chemical imbalance or mental illness! You are already suffering from body dysmorphia or depression or eating problem.

No mentally/emotionally/physically healthy person looks up pictures of thin guys/girls and thinks "hm, I think I want to starve myself and talk to other people who starve themselves"

So if you want to actually HELP someone, then talk to them like a decent person and help them find another way to cope with whatever it is they are going through. Otherwise you are only contributing to the growing number of teens and adults who are killing themselves everyday trying to obtain something they'll never have:

control

acceptance

love

comfort 

So next time, before you think to yourself "why in the hell would anyone want Anorexia, they're obviously faking", ask yourself this: "What in the hell could have destroyed this person's self-esteem so much, they'd reduce themselves to nothing, something not even worth the amount of food it takes to stay alive"

Anorexic Mentality

You know it really frustrates me when people say "just eat; if you want to lose weight, then just eat healthy and exercise"; like, I understand that they're just trying to be helpful and all, but it really isn't. In fact that is probably a really big trigger for me, so I know it has got to be bad for at least some other anorectics as well. 

I can't speak for everyone, but this is not about losing weight in the sense that I want to be healthy and look "pretty" by society's standards. This is about my need to be empty, to feel clean, it is about me feeling like I am drowning in my own body, and my only way to break away is to not eat and wait for my bones to jut out. So... for me it was once superficial, then it became about control, now it is about... well-- I am not really sure... I guess the need to be free? 

Anorectics get hungry; we don't just "think" about food, we obsess over it; we crave, we dream of food; it is not like if you shove a plate of fries to me I am going to be completely revolted. I want them, I want so badly to take a handful and shove them down my throat; this is not about control, it is all about being controlled. 

It used to be so hard to "fast" (I don't like calling it that anymore, seeing as it is never intentional anymore), it used to be so hard to keep my calories under 1000 a day; now it is like two days could pass and I wouldn't even realize because I would still be obsessing about the last thing I ate and how fat it is going to make me. 

It is like there is a constant war in my mind; I want people to notice that I am in pain, but at the same time it infuriates me when people try to take this away from me, it is me. You can't just take a part of me away. 

It is never about the health or the health issues, you just get to that point where... you don't care if you die; you keep thinking "just a few more pounds" but then you lose them, and it is never enough; no matter how much you lose, you will always want to lose more, you will always be disappointed with yourself, disgusted that you didn't lose more.

I have a hard time ingesting anything now that is not water without feeling like I just ruined everything; like the world is crashing around me; I haven't been on the scale in so long, I am afraid to even look at it anymore. 

I wish I could say this is glamorous because I know the desire to starve, the need to be thin; I know the frustration of wanting Anorexia or at least the ability to practice it and not being able to. But, this is not glamorous at all.

 I can't look in mirrors without seeing a whale of a girl staring back at me, I only have two outfits I can wear now because I have breakdowns when I put something on and it points out just one more flaw. 

I'm not going to say I want healthy girls to seek out Ana or help them on their journey with her, because I don't. I wish the only people that found this blog were those already exposed to Ana. 

Please--if you are just looking for a quick fix, a fast way to lose weight, or something glamorous because you think it is what all the cool people do: 

leave; run as far and fast as you can.

Anorexia does not make everyone skinny, but it destroys every living soul it touches; it will stay with you for the rest of your life, and whether you think you will get sucked in or not I can say now that you will. Everyone does. 

I never realized quite how disrespectful I came/come across when I say that I am Pro-Ana because there are girls who have died, are dying, will have severe health problems for the rest of their lives and there are girls who come onto the internet and LOOK for that. 

Just--don't.

Hm

So I'm 24 hours into a fast I didn't even know I was doing; yesterday I had 407 calories total... uh and I took an aderrall today also and that speeds up your central nervous system so your heart rate, metabolism and so on are all sped up. I hope that means I burned off yesterday's colossal amount of calories.

I am feeling much better emotionally, now that I have my eating back under control and I feel...clean, I guess you could call it. The only downside to my being back on track is the constant cold and tiredness (graciously accompanied by insufferable insomnia). 

I just love this picture (below) her legs are so perfect

Conversations Fuel Me

The other day my sister, mother and I were standing around in the kitchen just talking when all of the sudden weight and eating came up and my mother kept talking about how she has lost "20 pounds in a two weeks" and my sister kept congratulating her; she then proceeded to look at me and sighed. 

She and my mother started bombarding me with tips on what I should do to lose more weight; my mom is heavier than I am and is in the obese range! She lost 20 pounds of water weight and she acts like she is just Ana in the flesh! My sister infuriated me, telling me not to raise my voice and to lose the "tone" in my voice every time I got offended by their remarks.

She, my sister, kept saying I just need to eat healthier; I replied that there is nothing healthy in this house. 

"Then don't eat," she replied.

I glared at her and my mother chimed in with, "What I do...is I regulate my portions."

I could have slapped them both; I was screaming so loud on the inside and my feet ached...begging me to run away right then and never look back.

I just want a mother who is not judgmental and a sister who doesn't give a fuck what my weight is. 

I'M NOT THE PERFECT FUCKING DAUGHTER/SISTER! I GET IT.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that week my sister and I were in her car, on our way to her house and she brought up fitness for some reason; this lead to a piercing silence to which she broke with, 

"See, that is the difference between you and me Jezebel. I'm a fighter, I have willpower." 

She didn't say anything after that, realizing how awful that came out and then started staring at me, constantly glancing so I had to turn it into a joke and laugh it off saying, "don't look at me!" Following that, despite my miserable humility, with a giggle. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On one hand I want to binge and stuff my face, just to piss them off. 

On the one hand, I want to starve and work my ass off to make them both shut the hell up; but the thought of hearing them congratulate me makes me sick to my stomach. 

I can't win! Either way I will be unhappy. If I could just make it to the double digits and then they won't be proud. They'll be worried sick and I can laugh in their faces because they're the monsters that did it to me. 

To all those of you who actually want a family that supports your disorder/eating habits or whatever... I can tell you right now you don't. It is the worst pain .. .I cannot even explain... It hurts so much to have to listen to your own family criticize you and tell you to not eat, call you weak; to have your own family not even realize you have an eating disorder...and be the ultimate source of it. 

I have to live with that every day and at the same time my mother always brings home crap food and asks me 30 times to eat it and will make me dinner or whatever without even asking me.. then she will turn around and say I eat too much and need to try and control myself. 

It feels a hell of a lot better to have your parents tell you they are worried, or for them to force you to eat.. I promise.