The other day my sister, mother and I were standing around in the kitchen just talking when all of the sudden weight and eating came up and my mother kept talking about how she has lost "20 pounds in a two weeks" and my sister kept congratulating her; she then proceeded to look at me and sighed.
She and my mother started bombarding me with tips on what I should do to lose more weight; my mom is heavier than I am and is in the obese range! She lost 20 pounds of water weight and she acts like she is just Ana in the flesh! My sister infuriated me, telling me not to raise my voice and to lose the "tone" in my voice every time I got offended by their remarks.
She, my sister, kept saying I just need to eat healthier; I replied that there is nothing healthy in this house.
"Then don't eat," she replied.
I glared at her and my mother chimed in with, "What I do...is I regulate my portions."
I could have slapped them both; I was screaming so loud on the inside and my feet ached...begging me to run away right then and never look back.
I just want a mother who is not judgmental and a sister who doesn't give a fuck what my weight is.
I'M NOT THE PERFECT FUCKING DAUGHTER/SISTER! I GET IT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that week my sister and I were in her car, on our way to her house and she brought up fitness for some reason; this lead to a piercing silence to which she broke with,
"See, that is the difference between you and me Jezebel. I'm a fighter, I have willpower."
She didn't say anything after that, realizing how awful that came out and then started staring at me, constantly glancing so I had to turn it into a joke and laugh it off saying, "don't look at me!" Following that, despite my miserable humility, with a giggle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On one hand I want to binge and stuff my face, just to piss them off.
On the one hand, I want to starve and work my ass off to make them both shut the hell up; but the thought of hearing them congratulate me makes me sick to my stomach.
I can't win! Either way I will be unhappy. If I could just make it to the double digits and then they won't be proud. They'll be worried sick and I can laugh in their faces because they're the monsters that did it to me.
To all those of you who actually want a family that supports your disorder/eating habits or whatever... I can tell you right now you don't. It is the worst pain .. .I cannot even explain... It hurts so much to have to listen to your own family criticize you and tell you to not eat, call you weak; to have your own family not even realize you have an eating disorder...and be the ultimate source of it.
I have to live with that every day and at the same time my mother always brings home crap food and asks me 30 times to eat it and will make me dinner or whatever without even asking me.. then she will turn around and say I eat too much and need to try and control myself.
It feels a hell of a lot better to have your parents tell you they are worried, or for them to force you to eat.. I promise.
I kinda have the same issue with my mom and her family. I feel like she used to always be embarrassed of me. Shes one of the reasons I stopped eating. Her family openly admits to hating over weight people. This girl was walking down the street and my uncle almost hit her with his car and said that he couldn't see her for a second. My cousin replied with "how could you not see her. Just look at her" The girl wasnt even that over weight. Every time im around them, they always try to bring up fitness or their diet or something. I was serving myself some guacamole the other day and my aunt looked at me and told me "THATS ENOUGH!" I seriously was so mad that i kept serving myself lol I weigh about 150 right now. I'm chubby but im not huge or anything. I swear, I think my mom loves that i dont eat anything because she doesnt even ask me if im hungry anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that, hun :( What you said about getting guacamole and your aunt's reaction..I can't believe she did that; I don't have many encouraging words, seeing as it would probably come across as hypocritical, but... I hope things get better for you; I hope you lose the weight you want or simply that you kick your eating disorder all together and just buy a pizza and shove it in their faces -- either way, people like that aren't worth paying attention to, they are probably just as insecure as they are judgmental.
DeleteP.S. I really like your blog, I hope you keep it up! :)
Stay strong <3
hey, i just found this site while searching some advises for me about my anorexic best friend. How should i act to her? what should i do? i have no idea. Help me. and i read your story all i can say to you is "be healthy, eat regularly, in this way you can lose more weight it's about metobolism.don't care them, laugh at them because they don't know you and they are the worst people that you've ever met. Stay strong, believe the power inside you, listen the power inside you, you'll hear it and it'll help you. i know it's easy to say and extremely hard to do. And i don't know how these things happens in US but call the police or something. Ask for help.Please.
ReplyDeleteP.S: Sorry for my bad english, and sorry if you think that i'm rude.
I really am not qualified to offer advice on this; but, I think you should treat your friend normally, try your best to not be judgmental, if she is at the point where her life could be in danger then maybe talk to her parents about your concerns; I don't know you're friend, but if it were me I would try talking to her and let her know you are there for her, and she can talk to you about anything; do not tell her to eat more or to get help unless you know how she will react, because it could end up triggering her; Really I have no idea what you should do, I have don't know anything about your friend or what she might be sensitive about, so it really comes down to what you feel is right.
DeleteYour English is fine, don't worry :)