26 May 014

Back again to fasting, but first I want to recommend this amazing app for working out:

It is called 30 Days, and what it is, is it has a bunch (well, I say a bunch I mean like 10 or 12) of workouts to choose from, and you can have as many as you want on your "home page" and these are the workouts you want to be challenged on over the next 30 days.

It is REALLY simple and easy to navigate.

Step 1: Pick a workout out (for the sake of this, let us say you picked planking), and there will be a "Starting Test" where you get into position and hold the planking pose for as long as you can (the app has a built in timer that counts up so you can press start/stop). 

Step 2: After you finish with the start test and click on the workout so you see all the days (it should look like a bunch of white boxes saying "Day 1...2...3 etc." and below what day it is, it will say a certain amount of time, this is based off of your starting test, and the time will go up every day to CHALLENGE you (yes, there are 3 settings (easy, medium and ...insane, I think?) to make this fit to your needs. 

You should get a reminder every day to do the workout, if not, it will usually give you a prompt after you complete day 1 (not to be confused with the starting test).

In case anyone was wondering (probably not but whatever) I was/am doing 4 challenges; Planking, Wall Sit, Squats and Leg Lifts

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Fasting

My Pre-Physical Preparation:

There wasn't really any preparation, physically, which I do NOT recommend, ever. If you want to water fast with as much ease and comfort as humanly possible, then you need to prepare for two weeks ahead of time; during the first week you really need to focus on fiber intake and maybe do a colon cleanse (this will help tremendously with future gas/bowel pain induced by fasting). During the second week you need to cut out all your guilty drinks, if it is not water, then it doesn't go into you; you need to transition your diet to fruits and veggies and from there to home-squeezed juices (this prepares you for the hunger that will inevitably come, as well as help your digestive system slowly transition).

My Mental/Emotional Preparation:

Well... Summer is just around the corner, so the anxiety of that always helps; I also am just sick of looking at my fat thighs and feeling them rub together! Ugh it gets on my nerves and makes me sick. I've also noticed a lot of pain/nausea anytime I eat, and I want that to stop. 

This is not a "quick and easy" fix for losing weight, I know that -- and it is most certainly not a means to get out of working out, because I actually quite like doing that, it is the only time I don't completely hate myself.

Anyone wanting to fast should realize this as they prepare: 

Fasting is NOT easy or painless, it is sometimes scary and confusing; it is an emotional roller coaster and it is not, under any circumstances, to be looked at or treated as a common diet fad. 

Your body is using this short amount of time to reverse years and years worth of damage that YOU have caused it, so do not go into this thinking "Oh hey I'm going to lose 1 pound a day and not even have to workout" because this is more than that, and it is WAY harder than working out, ESPECIALLY when coming off of it [the fast].

My Reasons:

What other can there be other than to lose weight? Yup, that is my only reason for doing this, along with wanting to cut out unhealthy cravings and work on my binging habits. 

I do plan to stretch every day while doing this, in the hopes that maybe that will ease muscle soreness brought on by fasting, as well as burn a few extra calories. :)

Stay Strong Lovelies and wish me luck?

xx

Ugh - It is a WASTE

I'm so beyond sick of school and my family; 

I am in so much pain from not being able to cry , I have to literally schedule out times for when I can break down and cry. Most people think that is ridiculous, i mean... who the heck can decide when to and when not to break down..? 

Me. Apparently.

I have got about a month's worth of late work in one of my classes, 7 classes total that I am struggling with (and I must make A's and B's or I will fail), and in just a couple weeks I have to pay $50.00 and drive to a building a city away and take the ACT, a big test (most other states take the SAT). 

When I try to explain how stressed I am, my mother simply says:

 "Well...get it done, you spend all day sleeping or on your computer, you should be studying."

She is literally home for an hour maybe two hours before she goes to sleep, she then wakes up and goes to work. She is never home during the day to know what I do.

I am so fucking sick... I just want to leave, but that would get me arrested and possibly detained. 

So, yeah.

Fuck you America!

Thank G-d for Adderall though, right?  Without that I think I'd probably just break right now.

Bones over Comfort

Stop your crying, the sun has already set my love.

Grab your laxatives, stretch out your legs; pick up some weights and move.

Tomorrow we'll work together, the voices will still be there to whisper sweetly:

don't eat.

Throw it out

lol you can see my feet (I am only wearing one sock because it is holding on a band-aid, I stabbed my toe on a nail since our carpet is ripped up, I accidentally stepped on it)

It feels so...good to throw away food.. not just turning food away but throwing it away! 

it is a nice rush of endorphins and serotonin 

Conquering food and saying "No, dammit!"

My mom got burgers and fries and I told her I was not hungry but she gave me fries anyway, I took them with a smile and threw them out in my bathroom's bin (I saved the sauce since my mom really likes it). 

I will do the same with the burger after she goes to sleep and take the trash out (or just give it to my dad), she will thank me for actually doing a chore for once and be none the wiser :)

Anyone else love throwing food out? or is that just a weird thing I enjoy?

My best friend and I are going to compete; she is a friend who I have met in person before and has moved out of state so were competing through text but still, at least it is someone I will see this summer and so there is real pressure to stay on top of things. 

You know... I am always so unhappy, literally depressed where I just am bored with life and need to find a way out, but...

Ana makes me happy... and no amount of hate, or "pro-ana is wrong" or whatever is ever going to change that. 

Ana makes me happy. It is the only thing that makes me happy. 

If you don't understand that or can't accept that, then I am sorry, but I don't really care... 

Ana, She Wrote.

I have no idea who this woman is but her hip to waist ratio is absolutely perfect; not to mentions the beautiful thigh gap and tiny thighs... 

When I imagine Ana I imagine this; this is what I want; I want to look like her... 

How can someone be so perfect?

Conversations Fuel Me

The other day my sister, mother and I were standing around in the kitchen just talking when all of the sudden weight and eating came up and my mother kept talking about how she has lost "20 pounds in a two weeks" and my sister kept congratulating her; she then proceeded to look at me and sighed. 

She and my mother started bombarding me with tips on what I should do to lose more weight; my mom is heavier than I am and is in the obese range! She lost 20 pounds of water weight and she acts like she is just Ana in the flesh! My sister infuriated me, telling me not to raise my voice and to lose the "tone" in my voice every time I got offended by their remarks.

She, my sister, kept saying I just need to eat healthier; I replied that there is nothing healthy in this house. 

"Then don't eat," she replied.

I glared at her and my mother chimed in with, "What I do...is I regulate my portions."

I could have slapped them both; I was screaming so loud on the inside and my feet ached...begging me to run away right then and never look back.

I just want a mother who is not judgmental and a sister who doesn't give a fuck what my weight is. 

I'M NOT THE PERFECT FUCKING DAUGHTER/SISTER! I GET IT.

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Later that week my sister and I were in her car, on our way to her house and she brought up fitness for some reason; this lead to a piercing silence to which she broke with, 

"See, that is the difference between you and me Jezebel. I'm a fighter, I have willpower." 

She didn't say anything after that, realizing how awful that came out and then started staring at me, constantly glancing so I had to turn it into a joke and laugh it off saying, "don't look at me!" Following that, despite my miserable humility, with a giggle. 

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On one hand I want to binge and stuff my face, just to piss them off. 

On the one hand, I want to starve and work my ass off to make them both shut the hell up; but the thought of hearing them congratulate me makes me sick to my stomach. 

I can't win! Either way I will be unhappy. If I could just make it to the double digits and then they won't be proud. They'll be worried sick and I can laugh in their faces because they're the monsters that did it to me. 

To all those of you who actually want a family that supports your disorder/eating habits or whatever... I can tell you right now you don't. It is the worst pain .. .I cannot even explain... It hurts so much to have to listen to your own family criticize you and tell you to not eat, call you weak; to have your own family not even realize you have an eating disorder...and be the ultimate source of it. 

I have to live with that every day and at the same time my mother always brings home crap food and asks me 30 times to eat it and will make me dinner or whatever without even asking me.. then she will turn around and say I eat too much and need to try and control myself. 

It feels a hell of a lot better to have your parents tell you they are worried, or for them to force you to eat.. I promise. 

Thinspiration: Bones (boys at the bottom)

PLEASE let me know if any of these pictures are of you, I will take them done upon your request

BOYS: