Current

Sunday: 200 calories

Monday: 200 calories

Tuesday: 0 calories

Wednesday: 0 calories

Thursday: 200 calories

Friday: 0 calories

Saturday: 200 calories

It is actually quite easy for me to "not eat" than it is for me to try and restrict to a certain number of calories; It is so hard to fight that insufferable urge to binge when I break a fast. It is not even that 200 calories doesn't fill me up for the day, because on any given day I can eat 1 chip and be happy with that, but when I fast and then go into a restricting day.. oh my gosh

 I already have my eating planned out and I am hoping that I can go to sleep as soon as I finish so that way I cannot eat anything afterwards, and when I wake up I will take an adderall to cut off my appetite... 

oh and a tip from personal experience: 

If you Binge a lot on Low Calorie Diets:

I know you don't want to hear this but...you need to start at a reasonable calorie intake. If you have been eating in the recommended 2000-1200 calorie range, then how do you expect your body to just magically adjust to a strict and restrictive diet? It won't, it will retaliate out of fear and make you binge. 

There are 2 scenarios:

• You eat 1200 calories every day for a week, and cut 200 calories from that number as the weeks go by, thus your stomach will start shrinking...leading to you requiring less and less food; You will work your way down to 200 calories a day and find that, that is actually the perfect amount for you and you will lose lots of weight. 

Or

•  You can get impatient, after years of binging, and eating 2000 calories you decide you want to jump right into eating 200 calories a day and it leaves you ravenous for more so you do everything you can to distract yourself, but you give in. This is too hard, you think; so you give up and go back to your old eating habits.

Which scenario do you want? Be patient, you did not put the weight on over night, and it isn't coming off that way either. Just because you fast or immediately go down to 200 calories after a 2000 calorie diet does not mean you will automatically shed the weight right off.. you will more than likely just put it back on and then some. 

Just saying <3

Bleh

Well I broke my fast this morning around 7 am with cabbage soup, I had one bowl and was fine; I had absolutely no desire to binge nor did I feel any ravenous hunger pangs... Later around 9 am I began to get the overwhelming need to binge, but I didn't I had a few squares of this natural chocolate [made with like milk chocolate, tree nuts, and soy milk etc.] and then I had more cabbage soup and some homemade chicken salad.

I made myself sick :(

I planned on SLOWLY returning to a normal diet but after that and my body purging everything I had just ingested in like 30 minutes, I decided I am going to restart my fast, because food is just not worth it and I am absolutely not worried about Christmas feasts coming up. 

Fainting/Nourishment Tips

My mother is right on the line to becoming a Type 2 Diabetic and so she buys these: 

They are 200 calories a piece (yes, it is a lot, but hold on and listen)

it contains: 

200 kcal is not a lot if it is for the entire day, it cuts out all of my cravings and desire to eat, fills me up, and makes it a LOT easier to be around sweets without ever once wanting to eat any.

AND because this is a diabetic drink it helps control blood sugar spikes and is a WONDERFUL alternative to binging (200 kcal drink or 2000 kcal binge?), it satisfies that chocolate fix and tastes great (it smells kind of blah though)

They are slightly expensive though and if you get a case you should only be drinking one every few days between fasts/restricting to prevent fainting/hair loss/brittle nails/hunger pain/ etc. 

My punishment

Okay so remember how I had been binging?

Well apparently that affects how laxatives work, so  I took one the other day and it barely worked so I took another that evening, felt nothing the next morning so I popped two yesterday again and 

ugghhh

You cannot just take that many when you've stopped for so long! 

I can definitely say I did not miss this part of Ana....

It is what I deserve though, eating does not come without a cost if it was not planned ahead of time..

I had to restart my fast (didn't "have" to, I screwed up) 

so I am 4 hours and like 4 minutes into my fast

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

APP:

FASTING SECRET

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So needless to say, I won't be messing up this fast again, because that only means more --

Goals to Work Towards, You Still have time!!!

Clothes:

>Jeans: You need to get a pair that are too tight and may even give you a muffin top when you wear them. Whenever you want to binge (or if your fasting: whenever you want to give up) look at the jeans / put them on and think about the day when you can slide them on easily and not have a muffin top/trouble buttoning/have to jump up an down to pull them all the way up.

>Dresses: They always look better on girls with smaller, toned arms, and girls who have smaller, toned legs. If it is a tight dress then you already know you need both toned arms&legs AS WELL AS a nice toned stomach and bum. 

Events:

>Summer: Swimsuit season (need I say more???), Short-short season (You do NOT want your legs rubbing together and your shorts riding up in the middle girls!).

>Pool parties: Are you not sick of feeling anxiety when you get invited to one? 

>fucking CONCERTS: crop tops, short shorts (you want to catch the band's eye, eh? If you are fit you will look good dancing, and people won't give you ugly looks :)

Finally back on track! (And a shout out)

A shout out to the first guy I have ever seen comment on here! Hi there Aeron!!

(being a creepy overly-excitable blogger to my readers)



I am so heavy, though my weight stops climbing at 155 no matter the amount/content of food I eat, after that it can drop to 150 in like two days and fluctuate back up (this is during my binging rampages)

Cruel.

Anyway, I am back on track

I can fast again, and to be honest I don't remember why it was so hard in the first place


Maybe its just the shift in my eating disorder

(EDNOS is a bitch when it goes from binge eating to anorexia like that)

I don't want to do the ABC diet...

I think I will start taking my diuretic green coffee bean pills, and fast every other day again working myself up to fasting straight.

Here's a bunch of thinspo for my lovelies!

Audrey Hepburn, loves!

(Rest in Peace)

okay no look how effing cute this guy is though

Not a fan of One Direction but... Unf 

Hate her but her calves and biceps...

And there is perfection in a human body, like this is EXACTLY how I want to look. 

Binging recovering

When it comes down to it we all really are alone in this. 

I can't trust anyone anymore, my entire family is against me, trying to keep me fat and disgusting. All of them. My sister "says" she wants me to be healthy and gives me tips on how to starve yet she all but encourages my mom's habits!

My mom made pancakes which I shouldn't have eaten but I felt bad for her because she already made them and my parents get psycho about wasting shit ( ANY TIPS ABOUT THIS PROBLEM? :( )

So she was like "tell me when its good" (pouring syrup) after about 1 tbsp I said good and she was like "okay" and tilted it a lot more so that about 1/2 cup of syrup covered the fucking pancakes and handed it to me. 

I ate it and this triggered a massive ravenous binge....

SO I had a pot pie (like yesterday b/c I binged on a poboy thing and a potpie which in total equaled around 2000 something calories) which are 570 calories for HALF. But anyway...today it is rounded to 1200-1600...

Please kill me now.. 

I am going to get on my treadmill now and run/walk all night, when I get sore I will do yoga to stretch, when I am breathless I will strength train with weights and my body... when my muscles quiver I will repeat. 

I can't stand this! 

I want to be me again, i want to have one successful day, that is all it takes for me, and I know I am in the right mindset because I shoved a bottle of cayenne water down my throat along with green tea without giving up, and I already go 18-19 hours a day without eating (which is why when I do eat I am ravenous)

December Eating

Ah December.. My second least favourite month for several reasons (the first and only reason being the holiday binge fest)

• Because of course every social get together, every 'thank you' basket/gift, every party involves food, refreshments and sweets. Right? Right. 

So what do we do about this? How do we get through it?

Some Tips:

• Just like thanksgiving have a small breakfast or lunch (or keep a handful of nuts and eat a few whenever hunger starts getting a bite to it) this should keep hunger at bay before you eat out/the big feast.

• Instead of getting big plates get smaller ones, all the same size then simply make a list of everything you think will be at the feast, this way you will realize HOW MUCH food there will be so you can get only a little bit of each thing instead of huge amounts. 

• Drink lots of water and cayenne or lemon water, this will keep you full and work your metabolism.

IF YOU ARE EATING OUT

• Do NOT order anything with thick/creamy sauces, no pastas or desserts, look for something like fish, preferably salmon (that is clean and has very little calories) or salads, if you have to order a side with your meal or know you will then bring an empty purse and order a non-messy side (something like fries) and put a little bit in your purse through out the evening.

• Cut/divide your entree in half, either share with someone else or you can eat 1/4 of your entree, drink lots of diet coke (or whatever diet drink you got) and say you are full, if they say you hardly ate just nonchalantly point out that it must be how much soda you drank.  Get a to-go box and put the rest in there, pretend to forget it and if someone points it out pretend you are just being forgetful that day and just throw it out when you get home.

• EAT SLOWLY!!!!! CHEW THOROUGHLY!!! What I do is take a bit, chew real slow and put it in the side of my mouth, take a sip of my drink, swallow and then continue shewing the same food that was already in my mouth so it looks like I took two bites, or put a lot in. 

• Eat a handful of nuts or some fresh veggies (like carrots) before you go to eat. Pre-plan if you know where you are going look at the menu online, pick out 5 things that look good and find out how many calories are in it online.

FEASTING AT HOME

• Again, have a small meal/snack right before the feast, try to do some Cardio or metabolism yoga before the feast, this will shock your system enough that you won't be all that hungry (in fact it may make you not want to eat at all because of doing a workout)
• Plan out for the day exactly what you are and aren't aloud to eat (this helps if the feast is at someone else's house or in case you don't know exactly what will be at the feast) some examples: no dairy, no red meat, no meat at all, no sweets, nothing with a sauce, no etc.etc.

Basically all you can do is plan ahead, keep self-control in mind and remember your goals! Weigh yourself before you eat, wear something you wish looked better on you, look at clothes you want really bad online, look at a hairstyle you want (for me it is dreads) remember throughout the feast: those clothes won't look good if I put more weight on, I want to be skinny so I can reward myself with a new wardrobe, that hairstyle doesn't look good on fat people) 

:) Good luck my loves!!! Oh....

NO Salt!!!

NO creamy cheesy foods

and ALWAYS spice everything on your plate (if you can) with crushed red pepper/cayenne

Thanksgiving

I had imagined a few months ago that I would be at my UGW by now, not still struggling to be in the 130s.

I am scared, my loves, that I am not worthy of Ana anymore, not worthy to say I have an eating disorder because I have failed at everything I am good at. Why is it that the 5% of Anorexia that is binging has turned into a whopping 96% for these past TWO months? 

With Thanksgiving day after tomorrow, I am terrified because of all the food, I don't want it, oh god I don't want it, so overwhelmed by how much food will be there and my entire family on my mom's side all who will be annoyingly curious as to why I don't want to eat. My mom and sister will get annoyed, possibly pull me aside and tell me to cut it out that I have been eating normal for two months why am I doing this again, why I am I ruining thanksgiving, why am I making a scene? 

Ugh I just don't want to deal with it all!! I want my hunger back, my dropping numbers, my laxatives, my confidence boost every time I got off the treadmill and saw that my stomach was toning up little by little. 

Why cant anyone be here to slap me and tell me I don't want this food, I don't need this food! Because I don't want it and I don't need it but somehow that doesn't matter it is like my mind blanks out and its all I can do to not vomit the weeks screw ups all over my bathroom. 

________________________________________

Oh my god... ew! I went and threw ALL the sweets away, even shit that hasn't been opened, I then preceded to run on the treadmill for 30 minutes and burned 202 calories, I will finish the other 1800 in a minute. I just wanted to APOLOGIZE for my behaviour these past few months but I have finally gotten a hold of myself, I got the slap I needed and will be strong for everyone for here on out.

09, Oct., 2012

144.0...

I just want to cry so bad right now. How could I possibly let myself get back to this weight and maintain it? What am I thinking? I am so weak it is pathetic. Reading all of your blogs rips at my insides, my throat is burning because I am fighting back the tears of guilt in which I have not felt for the past week because I had shut the world out and let myself eat freely. Self-loathing has never been so painful.

I found a routine I like (2 hours of running/walking on treadmill, 15 minutes of stretching, 15 minutes of arm and leg toning workouts, 5 minute cool down and 25 minutes of running/walking) 

I change it up slightly if I find something interesting, or want to focus more on a specific area of my body... 

By this Friday I will do everything in my power to be 134/135 I haven't given up, I will fast on Pepsi Max, Green Tea and Water while working out to the max until I make this happen. 

Blah. 

Give me strength :( 

Binging and Lost?

Oh my god I am one lucky beyotch...

I BINGED yesterday:

• One veggie delite from subway (6"): 230
• Tuna on wheat (I failed...): 240
• one cookie: 210
• 1 slice of pizza: 260
• 1 crisp: 10 
• Krave (cereal) (this is approximate because I binged, wasn't measuring): 240

Total: 1190....

Yet, I went to bed like 143.6 now I am 141.4... So confused but I won't question it, thank you Ana!!!!!

How do I do it? Seriously how in the living fuck do I do it? 940 calories yesterday, without trying 940 calories today. 

4 fucking slices of spinach and feta artisan pizza. FOUR fucking slices.

That is:

• Carb: 68
• Protein: 24
• Fat: 28
• Calories: 600

2 Brownies:

180 calories per brownie

61% Carbs

4% protein

34% fat

Kill me now, just shoot me in the freaking head right now!

I am so SICK of my fat mother bringing fattening food home, if it is not one thing it is another I am so stressed out I just fucking now get rid of the brownies today how the hell am I supposed to throw this out?? I have to get out of here I can't stand it anymore!! If she wants to stay a fat fucking cow for the rest of her life then so be it, it is whatever she wants to do with her life, but don't you dare push that shit onto me and make me eat it in hopes that I stay fat and unhappy for the rest of my life with you. 

Seriously considering running away just so I can get away from everyone, so sick of being surrounded by people who don't understand, who want to keep me fat, they all want to keep me fat!!

Who is she? Seriously I need to know because she is the most angelic, beautiful, perfect person I have ever seen I mean look at those freaking LEGS!! Her calves are so perfectly slim :(

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy

Fucked up my fast by eating a brownie (340 calories) so I am throwing the rest away and I don't give a flying fuck if my parents get mad, they will not get in my way of perfection. 

BINGE BINGE BINGE BINGE

Why do I never stop?! Right when I am back on track and can finally move forward again, I fucking SCREW EVERYTHING UP! 

and I swear my dad came in saying dinner was ready (after I had privately, mentally agreed I would continue fasting) and that it was my favourite: Stir fry fried rice with vegetables...

I don't want it!!!!! >:O

I have my crystal charged with my intent (to lose weight) so that every time I see it, touch it, think about it my appetite literally vanishes and I get too happy to eat (it actually does work when I remember to use it)

(yes that is really what I look like when I am holding my crystal and envisioning myself as thin)

24, August, 2012

Well I am back, sorry for disappearing on you all. 

Lately...I have been messing up, they are small slip ups but they happen through out the day every day and I am now 149 fuck-my-life.

I have been so stressed from school having way to much work to do, so many grades slipping down slowly simply from missing one or two points on a few tests. The added stress that if I fail ANY class I will not be a junior next year (11th grade). 

I have been so suicidal lately... I have not told anybody that... I guess I feel safer on my blog like it is my own little sanctuary where anyone that hears my secrets is bound to care or to at the very least have no way of trying to tell everyone I know about them. 

It is not a matter of if I am fasting but a matter of how long I am going to starve myself, until I feel worthy, how long I am willing to allow myself to go on. My mind is blank I am so weak and tired all of the time! When I workout my stomach churns and I am almost always doubled over from the pain inside of wanting to vomit.  

I don't feel pretty, I don't feel alive, I don't want to live like this. I hate myself so much, when I open my mouth those are the words that spill out. I had to catch myself when my mother said her goodbyes and that she loved me before heading off to work yesterday morning. 

There is nothing I could possibly want right now, not pizza, pasta, chocolate, bread, crisps... nothing. If not depression or Ana keeping me in this state then it is my complete and utter hate and revulsion towards meself that keeps me from eating, that keeps my curled in my bed, that keeps me in my room. It is all I can do to simply get out of bed and do my school work and plop back into my bed and wait for the sun to set and rise once more. 

I'll get through this though, in fact I KNOW I will get through this. Because I will not step on that damned scale until Sunday, and until then--I starve. 

14, August, 2012

Someone, please, be mean, be nasty, tell me I am fat, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being, a waste of space who deserves to die and should just go kill herself. I need to be humiliated and set back on track, I cannot stand myself to look in that oblong stand-up mirror that is propped against my closet door, forcing me to watch myself as I undress and struggle to button the pants i idolize with ever fragment of my very being, the pants I want so badly to wear, that I would starve myself within an inch of my very life just so I could button them and look sexy while doing it. 

I am so tired of people saying "you are doing great, I can tell you have lost weight" or "there is always tomorrow" I am so depressed and just want to sleep, sleep for a solid week so that I can starve without temptation and the endless questions of "have you eaten today?" "do you want dinner" "you look sick, do you want me to make you something?"

I hate food.. I truly do, I hate the tastes, the way it feels when it runs over my tongue and rolls down my throat like a slug, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate that it makes me fat, I hate that it travels through you like slime in a sewer pipe. I hate how it smells, that disgusting aroma that makes my stomach burn with anticipation, forcing me to eat just a little bit until it turns into a "what the fuck have I done" moment. 

My thighs have long sideways pink scars now, freshly healed from the last time I cut a few days ago, my trusty razor looks so deliciously pleasant now 

I don't want to "fix" this, I am sick of having to "fix" stuff I want to just be perfect, I want to just starve, I hate myself so much I am so weak and I will never be happy 

Please, if you want to binge or cheat... don't.. it is the most depressing thing ever and every time you do it it kills you a little inside :(

My seven day fast starts today, because I had eaten yesterday (a few hours ago) see that is my problem I starve myself all day and then binge from 9pm-11pm because my hunger flares up dominating me becoming evermore threatening like inextinguishable flames with only one weakness: food. 

If you have actually read to this point, thank you, please please if you have fasted for a week or longer on nothing but water give me some tips, I may have thousands of tips for fasting, but I tend to not listen to them unless they come from someone else.

Let me be honest...

Okay so I figure if I completely humiliate myself by being honest here, then I will be able to stop my disgusting habits!

Last night (only a few hours ago, since it is midnight now) my dad cooked gumbo which he does not do often so my mom made me eat some (with a side of rice, BLEGH!) Anyway, so about 30 minutes after eating that I had a scoop of vanilla and chocolate ice-cream with some caramel... voluntarily.... about an hour an a half later I had MORE!! Then at like 11:12-11:40 something I was snacking on Sweet and Salty mix snacks (I took the raisins out though)... so disgusted by myself! Probably totaled up to around 1000 something calories... fucking kill me... I prayed to God (Christian) asking exactly this:

"Lord, let me lose this weight and keep it off, let me reach my ultimate goal weight and lead a healthier lifestyle so that I may have a greater influence over my mother and sister-friend in order to change their lifestyles as well.. let my metabolism speed up so that I may reach my ultimate goal weight by Thanksgiving." 

Such a selfish and pointless prayer I know, but immediately after I went and weighed myself 150.8, I drank a bottle and a half of water went to the bathroom twice (have not gone in a few days) and weighed myself, 149.6 

I honestly believe he is taking mercy on me and helping me lose my weight quickly enough so that I can get back to where I was and continue... 

Maybe I am just completely insane to some of you but I don't care xD 

Anyway I will start and finish this fasting diet if it is the last thing I ever do! gum gum gum gum gum gum :) 

My Birthday?!?!

Holy mother of Christ, how could it sneak up on me like this?! My birthday is a mere 4 (or 5?) days away and I am freaking out to the fucking max! We always go out to dinner and have a nice big cake swimming with fat and calories...

The fuck am I supposed to do about this predicament? 

Well, I plan on eating a small breakfast and skipping lunch so I won't be so hungry at dinner. I will also (obviously) cut my dinner into halves, eat one half that night, then save the other half for the next day in which I will cut in half again to eat for breakfast and lunch (or just throw it the hell out?)

I also found a cake alternative!! Only 93 calories per serving without icing, 104 calories with it.  

A Cake From Above

Click that link right above to see it! 

The Holidays

Is anyone else already stressing? Like... I am stressing really bad over Thanksgiving and Christmas I am trying to plan ahead like how many calories I can have, what I am going to eat before the feast etc. etc. 

Plus having a severe case of social anxiety disorder (as well as having a somewhat awkward, introverted personality) I am stressing out to the max!

I watched that video and decided to make a pie chart too (the pie chart representing my plate):

Agh it looks like absolute crap! Oh well I tried :) Well this is it, going to have small (they look huge on the chart!) servings of four foods, I will probably have half a serving of each so when I get "seconds" everything will total up to be one serving... I don't know lol probably will have to make a new plan soon. 

The Psychology of a Binge

"The Psychology of a Binge"

"Anorexia at holidays"

(Thanksgiving)

(warning: she is a bit annoying...sorry)

(Christmas)

"How to stop binging at night"