Oh wow

So going to get my friend this wednesday, woot-woot yet another, annual, 7.5 hour car drive! 

Yeah, and it has been a month today since I last talked (vocally) to anyone. I've forgotten the sound of my voice and it even invades my dreams. I'm genuinely frightened to talk now, and I don't want to lose the "control" as my sister, so kindly, puts it. But... I'm going to have to if my best friend is staying here for 3 weeks, right? I can't just... mouth stuff to her?

Jesus 

Yup

I've become addicted to throwing away food; the thought of it not going into my body, the thought of how angry it would make my mother, and the knowledge that my dad works his ass off to pay for it; oh man it feels good!

So far I've trashed:

(I opened everything and poured it out so it can't be recovered)

• two medium-sized bags of cereal
• 3 large slices of dominos pizza (that was all that was left of it)
• a can of progresso soup
• a large king-sized chocolate bar
• a large bag of trail mix
• a large bag of sunflower seeds
• our last pizza pocket
• a can of doctor pepper

If I don't get a handle on this the house is going to be empty before dawn 

Workout Tips and..embarrassing

NOTICE: When I talk about working out or whatever in my Tips I am usually referring to running/walking on a treadmill/in a gym/outside, I don't do much else, but plenty of the tips will still apply to you if you don't do any of those. 

So first, before I post these tips  I am going to post my progress for today (as of right now it is 7:07 am); 

(also, I sleep from 11 am - 12 am so my meal times/workouts are in the am not pm)

What I ate: 

(you can skip past this if you want)

• cabbage soup - 13 calories
• Rice cake with salsa - 55 calories
• Gum - 5 calories
• 2 cookies - 107 calories
• chocolate - 60 calories
• chips - 140 calories
• Chocolate - 60 calories
• Chocolate - 60 calories
• Soup - 140 calories
• 1 cookie - 54 calories

Intake: 694 calories

Exercise: -700 calories

Net Intake: -6 calories

This is embarrassing but this is what happens if you aren't careful:

I know this is really personal and gross but no one said Anorexia was glamorous, but anyway I burned off 700 calories in a matter of an hour and a half or so (about 98 minutes), I was going 3.0 miles per hour until I reached -164, and for a cool down I decided I would slow it down to 2.0 MPH (I kept this up until I reached an even -700 calories) and when I stopped the treadmill and bent over to catch my breath...I freaking peed... thank G-d I had enough time to cross my legs and hold it in until I could run to my bathroom. Yeah...embarrassing...I don't have a problem with getting gas while on my treadmill (most people do), but I do have a problem with not feeling my bladder, apparently. So has anything like that ever happened to one of you? Maybe not peeing yourself, but anything embarrassing while working out. 

Anyway, yeah, I about passed out as well; I stared at myself in the mirror for like 5 minutes because I was confused and it felt like I was walking funny (or like the room was moving around me). It was awful, never want to do it again.

WORK OUT TIPS

(these are MY tips, do not post them anywhere without my consent)

Slow down, don't stop

Cramps & Other Pain:

• If your heart hurts, you're not getting enough oxygen; the heart is a muscle like any else, so if it is cramping you need to focus on your breathing (make sure you are breathing in as deep as you can through your nose and all the way out of your mouth).
• If your lungs hurt, do not stop! This is how you build endurance and strengthen your lungs; just like with your heart, you need to breathe in through your nose, out your mouth! If you are on a treadmill, for example, and going 3.5, then slow it down to 3.0 and hold that pace; your lungs should stop cramping if you are breathing properly. 
• If your upper spine/shoulders/neck hurt then it is not actually your spine but rather 1 of 3 things: your body is releasing stored toxins from your muscles, your body isn't used to moving these muscles or pinched nerves. Now, it is most likely going to be the second one, your body is not used to using these muscles (if you slouch a lot or just don't generally have a good posture), then of course they're going to be a bit sore during and possibly after you workout (usually this happens when walking/running). 
• If your fingers feel hot, thick, and like they have their own pulse then this is toxins/salt settling there; the quickest remedy is holding your arms up so your hands are above your head (wiggle your fingers around to get the blood flowing). To prevent this you need to cut salt out of your diet or decrease it significantly, drink lots of water an hour or two before you workout (make sure you pee it out first) and make sure you're getting enough water daily to flush out the toxins in your blood being released from organs and muscles (this increases when your workout). 

Breathing & Endurance:

• You might notice when your heart rate is up it feels like you're not getting enough oxygen, especially when you're trying to breathe in your nose; this is most likely because of the extra amount of blood being distributed through out your body, if you hold off on slowing down and continue to breathe deeply in your nose and out your mouth then your body will open up your nasal passage and you will experience the best of breathing in and out of your nose (your heart will even out its pace and you might feel swollen fingers which I'll get to in a minute).
• To build endurance you need to workout 60 minutes a day 4 to 5 times a week; if that is too long then bump it down to 30 minutes a day 5-6 times a week; and if that is too much time then bump it down to 15 minutes a day 6-7 days a week... if that is too much time from your day, then you're making excuses and don't really want to lose weight / get in shape.
• Also, you can be over weight and still be in better shape than a "skinny" person; so don't think you need to jump right into running to prove yourself; just start slow and in time you will be able to run no problem and the weight will just fall off. (If you ever watched "The Biggest Loser" there was an episode where this 230-280 pound man RAN on a treadmill for an hour, he did not jog or speed walk, he ran; that is something you work up to). 

How to Burn More Calories:

• Before every workout decide either how many calories you want to burn or how long you want to workout; this way you won't be able to talk yourself out of working before you've made any real progress. Remember to have realistic expectations of your body and its current condition, don't go to the gym expecting to burn 1000 calories if you haven't seriously worked out in a couple months. 
• Use my method of "plus 150", by doing this I decided I needed to stop trying to burn 1000 calories every time I got onto the treadmill, because it made the road ahead far too long and I'd only get discouraged and over do myself (which left me not wanting to workout for days or even weeks). What you do is on day 1 you burn 100 calories, and if you can continue, then add on 50; day 2 you burn 200 calories and if you can continue, then add on 50; you will continue this every day and you will be surprised how much easier it is to burn 400-500 calories a day. Remember, you don't have to push yourself the entire workout simply because you think that'll burn more, faster.. it won't, in fact it will probably burn you out and make you associate working out with displeasure.

Prevent Over Heating:

• Drink a bottle of water 30 minutes before you work out, and keep two bottles of water (or a big container of water) with you at all times during your workout.
• Wear light clothing (such as baggy shorts and a tank top), you don't need to buy hundreds of workout clothes so instead spend a pretty good bit of money on some workout capris/shorts and top that are a good quality material. The best are the ones that are breathable, and keep your sweat from evaporating (yes, they are more than likely going to stink a lot, but it will keep you cool).
• If you run outside then make sure you are somewhere with plenty of access to shade; if you run at the gym or on your own treadmill then have a couple of fans going and/or your door open for air flow. 
• Symptoms of heat exhaustion: dizziness, nausea, dehydration, light-headed, confusion, weakness, profusely sweating, muscle cramping, rapid heart beat (though that could be from working out).

Exhaustion/Soreness & Bulking Up

• No matter how advanced society gets with cosmetic surgery, workout techniques, or dietary fads...our bodies are still going to be animals living on instinct. Our minds are hardwired for survival, they (brains) are not stupid, even if you think they are. If you are not in immediate danger, your mind knows this and it will do everything it can to get you to slow down and conserve energy; this is why our bodies store food as fat, our brains don't realize there is no famine, no immediate danger coming at us, and so when we try to burn off all its resources it freaks out by making you feel weak, cramped, out of breath, and can even try to convince you to stop (Oh I can take a break, Oh I can just eat less, Oh I just will do it tomorrow). The best way to combat your mind is to find modern-day dangers to push yourself (what if there was a government take over and you were forced to survive in the wilderness, would you be able to? What if you were being chased by a murder, would you get away? What if...; if that does not work then get the app "Zombies, Run!", it combines your music playlist with a zombie story and there is nothing scarier then hearing zombies right behind you, despite knowing they aren't there)
• So when working out if you get to that point where you are just tired, weak, and feel like you are about to pass out... you need to stop for a moment. Take a deep breath, slow down your heart rate and then start again. You need to remember to SLOW DOWN; you do not ever stop. If your legs, lungs or heart is cramping then you are not breathing properly; don't try to breathe fast just because you feel you're about to suffocate, maintain an even pattern of deep breathing in your nose and out of your mouth. (I'll talk about this in the next section if you're interested in learning more).
• When you are sore the day after working out then you've made progress and should not workout until the soreness is completely gone! This could take one day or even a week depending on how hard you worked out (I got so sore once I almost cried every time I had to pee because it hurt to sit and stand up). Soreness is your muscles repairing themselves and getting stronger, and if you want to burn more calories and workout for longer periods of time, then you need to give your body a break; DO NOT be afraid of getting "bulky", building muscle speeds metabolism, re-wires your body so it no longer stores fat, but instead uses it for energy, and it helps you maintain your weight and keep off the weight you've lost. The only way you would get bulky is if you are eating huge amounts of protein every day and constantly pushing your body harder every time you work out (for instance if you got sore from lifting 15 lb dumbbells, you will not get more muscular unless you up it to 20 lb dumbbells the next time you workout, instead your muscles will lean out and burn the excess fat.)

Breathing & Your Nose

• I know you get sick of hearing "breathe in your nose and out your mouth", because I do too; I've heard that so many times it is almost the same is "an apple a day keeps the doctor away". Is there truth to this? Yes. While when I work out it occasionally feels like I am not getting enough air into my lungs (like I can't breath deep enough or fast enough, or like my nasal passage has closed a bit), I still manage to maintain a steady rhythmic breathing, and you know what? I never get thigh, leg or butt cramps any more and I hardly ever get lung cramps (when I do, it does not take long to get rid of them). 
• No matter how fast your heart is going, how badly you want to gulp down air by the gallon through your mouth, you must keep your breathing steady! I can't stress this enough! BREATHING properly is key to building endurance and having long, enjoyable workouts (thus burning more calories). 
• If your nose feels "thick" like there is not enough air getting through then you need to breathe slower; breathe as deep as you can in your nose and slowly out of your mouth (do not slow down your workout, I can breathe like I am meditating while going 3.5 MPH). If you don't know how to do this then pretend you are trying to slow down your heart rate, eventually your heart will actually slow down a bit (this is good), and the blood in your body will start distributing itself to where it needs to be (muscles), your nose should now feel clear and open, you should feel the air going up your nostrils and curving down towards your lungs. 
• If you smell iron/blood, and feel a pinching sensation in your nose, this is nothing to worry about; just keep breathing (try not to speed up your breathing or your nose will close up again).
• If your lungs are cramping, then you're not getting enough oxygen through your system; no muscle (including you heart) should be cramping when you are walking at 3.0-3.5 mph (I don't recommend going any speed higher than 3.5 unless it is 6.0 mph and higher; jogging is really bad for you).

Laziness/Wanting To Stop (don't over do it)

• If you cannot ever seem to get around to working out, then you need to find your motivation and just do it! If you ever eat from boredom, stress or any other emotion, then there are no excuses--you have time and the means for working out. Boredom, anger, depression are all motivation for working out.
• If you're working out and wanting to stop, then take a five minute break and come back to it; try a different exercise. If you hardly ever workout, and try to compensate by pushing yourself to your absolute limits every time you do, then you're going to burn yourself out. Exercising is nearly impossible if you are out-of-shape and trying to do what professional athletes do as a warm-up. You must start slow, no matter how frustrating it is or embarrassing; even if it makes you feel fat; just remind yourself.. if you go slow, you'll get in a longer workout and burn more calories whereas if you push yourself all at once, you'll burn only a little and not want to work out again for a really long time. 

My Motivations

• Good Music. When I workout, I find that my music is what determines how I feel throughout the entire time. If my music is slow or quiet, then I focus more on how tired, out of breath, exhausted I am; so when you workout make sure your music is loud enough that you cannot hear your own breathing (this is actually a thing, if you can hear yourself breathing, you're more than likely going to get tired quicker). You want your music to be fast and have a good beat/rhythm. Even if you are only walking slow, having a good soundtrack will motivate you to workout longer, and helps you build endurance by making you want to move faster with the music. (I usually listen to dubstep, but sometimes it is slow or I just get sick of it; songs like "Mr. Brightside by The Killers" and "Come and Get It by Selena Gomez" are great for working out. 
• Get angry or use memories/thoughts to propel you forward; anger works the best, especially if it is something that you can't usually express; think about all the times you've been embarrassed by your weight, all the times your weight has made you miss out on life, all the times you've cried over your weight and so on. I usually think about my mother joking about my weight, how angry I am when clothes don't fit or how with every step I am getting lighter. Exercise is a healthy coping mechanism, use this time to escape to your own world instead of letting it be just another dreadful thing on your to-do list. Cry, laugh, get angry, talk to yourself, yell at the world, whatever... just make working out a positive experience, one that leaves you feeling peaceful and then you'll start turning to that for comfort instead of food. 
• Most of the time when I work out and I want to quit I tell myself "just get to 200, then you can stop", but then I feel like I didn't really do anything, so I push to 300... and everyday it gets easier and easier to burn off 100, 200 and 300 calories, and every day that I continue to push myself longer (not harder) if another day that I am making count. 
• Think about how far away summer vacation is, swimsuit season; think about your birthday or new years... do you REALLY want to face another year of being disappointed in yourself because you wasted another year on being fat? Your youth is NOW, and if you wait too long, then you'll regret it forever. 

Reminders:

• "It is hard"; no one said it would be easy losing weight; if you want easy, then go ahead and eat your pizza and chocolate and forget about your goals, but do not complain about being fat or unhappy  with yourself to anyone, no one likes people who do that. 
• Loud, fast music, and a reason to fight will ensure an amazing workout for you; distract yourself when you workout not by thinking of bikinis or toned thighs (unless that works for you), but instead focus on your anger for letting yourself get to where you are (anger, when strong enough, has the same effect as adrenaline; it will numb all the sensors your brain sends out telling you that you're tired, and it actually renews your energy; by the time you finish working out you will not be angry anymore, and you'll feel a lot better). Remember: only the fittest will survive. 
• "Slow down, don't stop"; always START and END your workouts slowly; you need to give your body a chance to warm up (don't stretch before walking/running); and you want to give yourself something to look forward to with every workout. What do you think will create a longer, more successful workout: looking forward to stopping and passing out on the bed, or slowing down a bit to catch your breath? I find that I am 20 times more tired and ready to stop when I am focused on ending my workout (especially when I am minutes/seconds away from the end), but when I am focused on the small period where I get to slow down then my body is not freaking out and completely focused on passing out because it knows it will have a cool down.  You CAN have short bursts in your workout if you want, but if you want to have a long workout then you probably shouldn't. 
• "Unless you puke, faint, or die keep going" - Jillian Michaels 
• "Let everything motivate you, not set you back" if you binge, if something is too tight, if you had a bad day, if you failed your "diet" etc. then don't let that discourage you or convince you to give up on that diet or whatever; use that to motivate you to keep going when you're working out, and use that experience as a future reference for the next time you want to binge/snack/mess up. 

Good luck, darlings xxx

Family Portrait

I have not desired to self-harm or starve in quite some time but I feel the overwhelming since of suffocating within my own skin coming about like a crashing wave; I'm about to drown. In the same sense, I feel the undeniable numbness of a looming depression, it threatens me like lurking black clouds. 

My parents don't have the happiest marriage; they let things build up and when it bubbles up to its peak, it explodes from their mouths with an unstoppable force like they are spitting spears into each other's hearts.  There are screams of betrayal and hate from both goliaths, and both forget I'm even there, shaking and teary-eyed as I am forced to listen. If only I could have run away from it all. 

I don't much feel like talking anymore, or even existing, my skin itches, begging me to scratch it off and I just want to disappear into the wind, find some place to be happy and find enough love within myself that I can live off of. I don't need other people or this family of mine that's taught me nothing but self-loathing and insecurity.

If I could, I would break every mirror in the house so they could see the truth of their warped faces beneath the facade of happiness. It hurts to know your mother steals from you and your father, and to know that your father is at the point of leaving. 

I think the giving of thanks on Thursday has been reduced to a big feast and forced get together that I, now, refuse to attend. I don't want to eat, and while I promised myself and tried to make it official through the space I put between myself and this blog.. It is inescapable. I will never escape my eating disorder it never goes away, it is a demon with claws so long and deeply gouged into my back that my bones will be the only proof of the scars 

I hurt. And I was an idiot to think I would ever recover.

Listing things that make me sick for future ref.

• Ice cream
• Packaged meats (hamburger patties, chicken etc.)
• Bread (pizza, potpie crust, any bread basically..)

I don't really know much else that makes me sick, I only recently started documenting what foods I ate before I start to feel nauseous/in pain. 

In case you did not notice.. .I messed up my water diet earlier because my mother cooked me a burger patty (that sounds so disgusting?) and then I had to take my pills so I got a scoop of ice cream which was a bad idea so I used a slice of bread and oh dear god I wish I could throw up just to get this feeling of nausea to go the hell AWAY! I knew what this stuff did to me and yet I always binge on it!? UGH

Restarted at 11 pm something but decided to set it at 12 am so fast started at 12:00 am and its 1:24 am now.. Blrhgiohd

Worst Sweet 16 Ever

So I had originally told myself to have no expectations for today and even without any expectations my family STILL managed to disappoint me and make this the worst day of my entire life. 

No, I am not talking about getting the wrong colour Ferrari or some pathetically selfish crap like that

My mother never came in my room before she left for work to say happy birthday, instead she sent it in a text. The card she left on the counter said nothing except "Happy birthday love mom, dad and the pups xxx" 

I won't even see her until 2-3 am when she gets off and by then my birthday will be over.

The one thing I asked for and they can't get it because they can't afford it due to my father's cigarette addiction and my mother's spending/gambling one. 

My sister did not even come over (she literally lives right down the freaking road) 

Not that I would eat it, I didn't even want one, but there was no cake, and when they asked what cake I wanted YESTERDAY (the day before) my mother was like "I bet she wants chocolate mmmm isn't that right" 

I hate chocolate cake!!!

I can't expect anything out of today, not a forced family dinner, cake, awkward birthday song, gift(s)... nothing... not even a mediocre movie with my family... I fucking hate them all 

All I wanted was for my mother to take off work and my sister to come over and spend the day with me, watch a movie together or go out to a bookstore or the boardwalk dammit I don't know! 

I am so depressed I thought my life would be so different... I thought I would have learned to drive by now, have braces by now, be pretty/skinny by now, my parents would know me by now...

Not one balloon.

While having parents who never pay attention to me may be good when it comes to Ana

...it sucks for everything else. 

Really am leaving today

at exactly 2PM today (it is 4:30am right now) I will be at the hospital

Both of my parents--on separate occasions-- have admitted to being suicidal, and that they've been suicidal for a very long time and that they are at the point where they're hanging on by a thread.

My sister is moving out of her boyfriend's house and is going to move into this other lady and her husband's house, and once out of the hospital, I will be too. 

My mother's mother--my nanny--is having mysterious heart palpitations that the doctors can't figure out, and they just graphed a mole that could possibly be cancer so my mother is going to Arkansas to stay with her and take care of her, not only for my nanny but herself to, to make amends and right the wrongs. 

My dad has no idea about her wanting to go to Arkansas or me moving out and I am so scared

 I don't want to eat or sleep or breathe... I just want to close my eyes and for this to all be over  

I need someone, 

all my sister and the lady helping me get into the hospital want out of all of this is to get me back to a "confident point" where I'd be comfortable going back to school, making friends, being a normal teenager

as if after everything I have been through I could ever have or even want any of that,  please 

and all my mother can talk about... is "how much better" I am doing 

22, April

Does it make me "overly dramatic" or "out of line" to get pissed off and tell my mother to keep her hands off of me? Like I am so sick and tired of her thinking it is "funny" to shove me out of the way, when in fact she is shoving me out of anger or annoyance and then when she sees I am mad pretends she was "just messing". Seriously, it is simple, just keep for hands off of me or I will put my hands on you. 

_______________________________________

I was REALLY tired today, my sister called and woke me at noon (12 PM) and picked me up, we then hung out at her house until about 5-6 PM before she brought me back, I ate and then fell asleep again until like 7 or 8 and then ate again hoping to maybe get some energy from that and some diet mountain dew.

Good News: I have energy

Bad News: I am nauseated beyond belief and over heated

I burned a whopping 60 calories before my legs began to get sticky/dry from rubbing together in my humid room (can't wait for that thigh gap so I can run with ease). I feel very bloated and icky so will probably take a laxative or something and stick to water tomorrow, I don't know, we will see how I feel.

_______________________________________

Friday...The 24 of May to be exact is only 31 days from now and I want to have noticeably lost weight for my brother's graduation. I am really not far now, my waist is smaller, my thighs leaner and my upper arms more toned. I have been burning off enough calories after I eat to keep my metabolism moving, so it all really just boils down to how much I eat.

I have been pretty good with eating 1 apple a day and very little calories through out day (which add up to a bunch by the end) instead of gorging myself randomly. I find I also think less about it, but as a consequence: am afraid to weigh myself, and am not as worried about what I am spending those calories on.

So I plan to go back to eating specific foods from my list and intermittent fasting-- I can stay motivated, I can, I can-- I just need to stop feeling bad when people offer me food they paid for or cooked and I cannot eat it. 

BMI: Don't trust it.

Hello my lovelies, all is well with everyone I hope?

Please Remember: I understand Anorexia is not all about getting thin / losing weight, I have the disorder I understand it more than you think. However, feeling fat/overweight is a huge part of it and feeling like crap because you think you are so far from your ultimate goal is hard and can cause people to get psychologically depressed. This post is specifically designed for those who are overweight and those who think they are 20-50 pounds (fat pounds) away from their goal. 

Down to business!

Online BMI's: Don't trust them

Why? 

Well for obvious reasons that everyone should know, your weight FLUCTUATES every millisecond of the day!!

 EVERYTHING contributes to your weight from things like: water weight, eating, working out, using the bathroom...

to things like: taking pills, hair (everywhere but especially head) bones, muscles, organs, gas, fat percentage...

And did you know: the majority of your weight comes from WATER and WASTE, this means that you may not actually need to lose 20-50 pounds but only 10-15 because in actuality you don't have that much body fat but just lots of water and waste weight. 

Question numero uno: does water weight add layers like fat? 

Answer: Sort of, it can actually LOOK like fat, it adds pounds, and many people confuse 5-10 pounds of fat with 20+ because of water  (example:

THAT is what water weight can and does look like. So you may "think" you have lots of pure pounds of fat to lose but you are WRONG!

 (similar to how waste makes you bloated/bigger?)

LASTLY..

Because your weight is based on things like height, bone/muscle mass, waste, water-weight, and how much food is still in your stomach/digesting... BMI calculators online are ALWAYS inaccurate when it comes to fat percentage. it CAN give you a rough guesstimate as to how much you should lose but honestly it is best to go to a doctor to see how much you REALLY need to lose and go from there to get to your UGW! 

Thanksgiving

I had imagined a few months ago that I would be at my UGW by now, not still struggling to be in the 130s.

I am scared, my loves, that I am not worthy of Ana anymore, not worthy to say I have an eating disorder because I have failed at everything I am good at. Why is it that the 5% of Anorexia that is binging has turned into a whopping 96% for these past TWO months? 

With Thanksgiving day after tomorrow, I am terrified because of all the food, I don't want it, oh god I don't want it, so overwhelmed by how much food will be there and my entire family on my mom's side all who will be annoyingly curious as to why I don't want to eat. My mom and sister will get annoyed, possibly pull me aside and tell me to cut it out that I have been eating normal for two months why am I doing this again, why I am I ruining thanksgiving, why am I making a scene? 

Ugh I just don't want to deal with it all!! I want my hunger back, my dropping numbers, my laxatives, my confidence boost every time I got off the treadmill and saw that my stomach was toning up little by little. 

Why cant anyone be here to slap me and tell me I don't want this food, I don't need this food! Because I don't want it and I don't need it but somehow that doesn't matter it is like my mind blanks out and its all I can do to not vomit the weeks screw ups all over my bathroom. 

________________________________________

Oh my god... ew! I went and threw ALL the sweets away, even shit that hasn't been opened, I then preceded to run on the treadmill for 30 minutes and burned 202 calories, I will finish the other 1800 in a minute. I just wanted to APOLOGIZE for my behaviour these past few months but I have finally gotten a hold of myself, I got the slap I needed and will be strong for everyone for here on out.

Life goes on

So...

My mom came to the decision I have waited my whole life for: to leave my dad. I will be shipped off to stay with her childhood friend of 40-something years a state away from home (about 3-4 hours away) for 6 months to a year to establish residents all the while my mom will be lying to my dad saying it is for school while she gets her shit together and moves out. 

How could so much happen in 2 days?

All because my dad called my mom a leech, of course there is more to it like the fact that he has had two different mistresses since my mom has conceived me. 

Yes, I have waited a long time for her to come to this decision, I just didn't realize that in order to get my wish I would be shipped off leaving my dogs and computer and everything i have ever known behind. That it would include lying to my dad about my reason for leaving and that this may be the last time I ever truly see him.

I am afraid of the future, I plan to take the ACT, my mother is going to give parental consent and pull me out of school and at 17 (in 2 years) I will get my GED and go to college. So basically for 2 years I will be out of school focusing on my conversion to Catholicism (which I decided to do anyway but this will be the perfect opportunity)

Who knew 2 days could do so much damage?

07, Nov., 2012

I have had to restart so many times it is starting to make my skin crawl. I restarted my fast at 11:32 PM last night and I plan to make that my last restart, my self-loathing is enough to keep me from eating for a lifetime, I always cover my mirrors, turn away from my Ana community in shame and thus I fail at the one thing I do best. If only Ana was a physical person right? It would make it so much easier to talk yourself out of things if you had the image of true obtainable perfection staring you in the fucking face all day long, with disappointment and disgust. Though simply being criticized and told that you are not good enough every day is enough for me. 

Why do I feel so god damn big?! Do any of you guys ever feel like this? Like, I hunch over and try to sit curled into a ball in hopes I look smaller, I feel I am too wide and too fat and too tall (even though I am not tall at all) 

I found my role model, thin, narrow, pretty-plain, thigh gap: Teri Hatcher

 You know what is funny? In Desperate Housewives "What If.." episode she had to put on a fat suit.... this is her in it as a "fat person":

....If that is what she considers fat and the crew of Desperate Housewives then I am utterly repulsed by myself! No I don't have that ugly double chin or those sagging flesh tanks you people might call arms but I did have that gut and I did have those nasty thighs and I left them both behind for something better but now I realize what I want is not something better but perfection!

 look at my baby:

I am sorry but if someone says Perfection is not obtainable then I would love to be re-informed on what societies version of perfection is these days. 

14, August, 2012

Someone, please, be mean, be nasty, tell me I am fat, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being, a waste of space who deserves to die and should just go kill herself. I need to be humiliated and set back on track, I cannot stand myself to look in that oblong stand-up mirror that is propped against my closet door, forcing me to watch myself as I undress and struggle to button the pants i idolize with ever fragment of my very being, the pants I want so badly to wear, that I would starve myself within an inch of my very life just so I could button them and look sexy while doing it. 

I am so tired of people saying "you are doing great, I can tell you have lost weight" or "there is always tomorrow" I am so depressed and just want to sleep, sleep for a solid week so that I can starve without temptation and the endless questions of "have you eaten today?" "do you want dinner" "you look sick, do you want me to make you something?"

I hate food.. I truly do, I hate the tastes, the way it feels when it runs over my tongue and rolls down my throat like a slug, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate that it makes me fat, I hate that it travels through you like slime in a sewer pipe. I hate how it smells, that disgusting aroma that makes my stomach burn with anticipation, forcing me to eat just a little bit until it turns into a "what the fuck have I done" moment. 

My thighs have long sideways pink scars now, freshly healed from the last time I cut a few days ago, my trusty razor looks so deliciously pleasant now 

I don't want to "fix" this, I am sick of having to "fix" stuff I want to just be perfect, I want to just starve, I hate myself so much I am so weak and I will never be happy 

Please, if you want to binge or cheat... don't.. it is the most depressing thing ever and every time you do it it kills you a little inside :(

My seven day fast starts today, because I had eaten yesterday (a few hours ago) see that is my problem I starve myself all day and then binge from 9pm-11pm because my hunger flares up dominating me becoming evermore threatening like inextinguishable flames with only one weakness: food. 

If you have actually read to this point, thank you, please please if you have fasted for a week or longer on nothing but water give me some tips, I may have thousands of tips for fasting, but I tend to not listen to them unless they come from someone else.

The Holidays

Is anyone else already stressing? Like... I am stressing really bad over Thanksgiving and Christmas I am trying to plan ahead like how many calories I can have, what I am going to eat before the feast etc. etc. 

Plus having a severe case of social anxiety disorder (as well as having a somewhat awkward, introverted personality) I am stressing out to the max!

I watched that video and decided to make a pie chart too (the pie chart representing my plate):

Agh it looks like absolute crap! Oh well I tried :) Well this is it, going to have small (they look huge on the chart!) servings of four foods, I will probably have half a serving of each so when I get "seconds" everything will total up to be one serving... I don't know lol probably will have to make a new plan soon. 

Wannarexia and fauxlimia

All right so pro-ana is often associated with these two words. Basically these words apply to girls who do not have an ED but want one and try to force themselves into getting one. 

I do not believe in Wannarexics or fauxlimics, I think if you want an eating disorder then you are just as sick mentally as someone who has one already. Calling someone a wannarexic or fauxlimic is cruel and it is just like calling a girl with an Eating Disorder a drama queen. Please respect everyone. 

5/18/12

Food log:

Spin wheel - 100 calories

Pasta - 150 cal.

bread - 185 cal.

pop tarts - 210 cal. 

chips - 150

Smart one's meal - 300 cal.

Total: 1095 calories

Holy mother of fuck.... One thousand and ninety-five calories....in one fucking day?! That is what I call a BINGE!!!

I am a bloody failure

DAILY TIP:

• Get undershirts that are tight (muscle shirts) they look like tank tops 

Wear one or two under your normal outfit, this will assure that you do not over eat as it holds your stomach in making you feel full, also you have to eat less because it has a corset effect. ALSO it pushes stuff through quicker...you know...

Call yourself on your own bullshit

• NUMBER ONE: If you are trying to fast, do not under any circumstances try to reward yourself after with a treat, do not eat anything you aren't supposed to during, before, or after. If it is a water/coffee/juice/liquid no food fast then do NOT be fucking stupid and eat. Keep water bottles in your room if you must but stay AWAY from the kitchen. 

• NUMBER TWO: Your number one warning signs are if you begin to make excuses to eat, cheat, or end your fast early or if you try to talk yourself into eating. **ANYTHING SIMILAR IS A WARNING.** What do you do? Well:

1. avoid the kitchen / food
2. drink tons of *recommended*water*recommended*  (or juice/coffee whatever your fast allows)
3. Watch tons of thinspo videos on YouTube, look at tons of thinspo pictures online
4. Go to a mirror lift up your shirt and stare at your stomach for at LEAST 5 minutes (don't you dare look away!) Then look at your thighs, arms and butt, pinch and prod your face and body until you are so disgusted food is the last thing on your mind.
5. Sit down, really, really think hard, try to remember the after-binge feeling once the fullness sets in, remember how shitty you feel, how all you want to do is stay up all night trying to work it off, remember how bad you want to punish yourself. Is that what you want? 
6. Just remember, if you eat you WILL feel like shit. Is a few moments of satisfaction worth the hours and hours of hell you will give yourself afterwards?

NUMBER THREE: "I will only eat this, besides it is healthy" for fucks sake, I cannot tell you how many times I have done this, I do this during ever fast/diet, I do this nearly anytime I cut more food out of my diet. YOU.WILL.BINGE. Do not eat it, put the food back/down and walk away right then. 

1. Avoid the kitchen/food
2. If you feel a binge coming, take a bath/shower, spend a lot of time on washing your hair and body, spend at least 30-45 minutes shaving your legs/arms and really pamper yourself. 
3. Shut your doors and oil up the knobs (you can just use lotion), spend a long time painting / filing your nails to perfection, can't leave unless you want to mess them up really bad.
4. blast music, turn on the TV, try to focus on the TV and the music it will distract you PERFECTLY!

NUMBER FOUR: Make a schedule. 

What I mean by this is, when I fast I always binge/cheat between 9pm and 3am (I sleep till 3pm and stay up all night from insomnia to explain the weird hours), so between the hours of 9 and 3 I am doing everything within my power to keep my mind and hands occupied, keeping my stomach filled with water and trying my best to keep as much thinspiration around as possible. Do you understand? You really need to pay attention to stuff like this so that you can MAKE A PLAN so that it will never happen again, stop the binge/starve/fast/binge/binge/starve/fast/binge cycle once and for all!

If you haven't seen this before (picture below) then read it, very, very helpful!! <3

Important for every fast

God, drink as much water as possible, do not drink it up all at once to try and make up for not drinking all day, it does not work. I promise water will help with the hunger and all that, being tasteless it will fire up cravings, and cravings will be hell but that is what this is! Control, having control over your own body and not letting some...thing (food) control it for you. I want a new day right now, a fresh start, I just need a clean slate to go on, I need the hunger, I crave it and the hunger pain! I want it so bad it is not even funny. 

It is almost like...I measure my worth not only by my weight but by how empty I am and feel. In an hour or so, after the water I have just downed has settled, I will immediately jump into vigorous aerobic activities (jumping jacks, step aerobics) Then I while I rest so my heart rate can slow down a bit I will use weights and do hip extensions and work on my arms, while I let my muscles relax, I will do crunches and sit ups and plank. Then I will start all over from the top, and continue this way all night like I have done for the past fucking WEEK. I want control and until I have complete and utter control over my body I will continue this! I will have the perfect body and soul, burn calories burn!!

My Life and its suckishness

So that guy... He led me on but ended up back with his girl friend and now I hate life but I still want to be his friend so I am trying not to let him see how pissed off and fucking hurt I am... Day 4 of my water-fast by the way and it is going better than ever with this pain to keep me from eating... 

My pain is almost poetic...

So obviously there are so many things you cannot share with people you care about or want to talk to, and sometimes you just have something you want to get off your chest but of course Ana's essence has entangled itself into your words, filling the empty gaps between each breath you take, and if you told what you want to the person in question, leaving out Ana, there would be empty voids in the story stretching wider, and farther then the blank space between the stars and my finger tips. The intrusive longing for someone to understand has become somewhat over whelming. I wish I could be normal again, I do, I wish I had tons of friends, and that my phone was blowing up with text messages from all the admirers in which seek me out wanting to catch my eye for even the slightest second...but no, here I sit, alone, empty, and afraid. Mother and I still don't talk, and my dad just doesn't understand or rather refuses to see. More alone than ever but mostly that is due to the fact that I keep people at such a vast distance, the walls I have built stronger than I could ever hope to be. I want to let someone in so bad... I just don't remember how to. 

Everyone is so close, yet they feel so far away...

My mind seems to be coming uncoiled, releasing all of my secrets to the world, whispering all my faults into the ears of those who want to see me fall, and forcing me to watch memories play out over and over until I can't take it anymore. I really feel alone for one reason only, the man in which I love refuses to be clear, and instead sends blurry signals, clogging my brain with the incoherent murmurs of a child until I want to pour my heart and soul out to him so that he can see all that he means to me... 

And with all this loneliness and heart ache, my stomach is surprisingly less willing to accept food, surprisingly quiet, when I catch the scent of  home-cooked meals... A gentle breeze could hold me and comfort me better than anyone else could... I wish I could dissolve into it, or at least be carried away with it, just as my hair tries to do when the wind throws it around making it a tangled mass... 

I miss when he said he loved me, I miss when he would tell me good night, I miss when it took him forever to go to sleep because he said it was too hard to say goodbye... 

Ana seems so much bigger now that I have opened my eyes to reality