My pain is almost poetic...

So obviously there are so many things you cannot share with people you care about or want to talk to, and sometimes you just have something you want to get off your chest but of course Ana's essence has entangled itself into your words, filling the empty gaps between each breath you take, and if you told what you want to the person in question, leaving out Ana, there would be empty voids in the story stretching wider, and farther then the blank space between the stars and my finger tips. The intrusive longing for someone to understand has become somewhat over whelming. I wish I could be normal again, I do, I wish I had tons of friends, and that my phone was blowing up with text messages from all the admirers in which seek me out wanting to catch my eye for even the slightest second...but no, here I sit, alone, empty, and afraid. Mother and I still don't talk, and my dad just doesn't understand or rather refuses to see. More alone than ever but mostly that is due to the fact that I keep people at such a vast distance, the walls I have built stronger than I could ever hope to be. I want to let someone in so bad... I just don't remember how to. 

Everyone is so close, yet they feel so far away...

My mind seems to be coming uncoiled, releasing all of my secrets to the world, whispering all my faults into the ears of those who want to see me fall, and forcing me to watch memories play out over and over until I can't take it anymore. I really feel alone for one reason only, the man in which I love refuses to be clear, and instead sends blurry signals, clogging my brain with the incoherent murmurs of a child until I want to pour my heart and soul out to him so that he can see all that he means to me... 

And with all this loneliness and heart ache, my stomach is surprisingly less willing to accept food, surprisingly quiet, when I catch the scent of  home-cooked meals... A gentle breeze could hold me and comfort me better than anyone else could... I wish I could dissolve into it, or at least be carried away with it, just as my hair tries to do when the wind throws it around making it a tangled mass... 

I miss when he said he loved me, I miss when he would tell me good night, I miss when it took him forever to go to sleep because he said it was too hard to say goodbye... 

Ana seems so much bigger now that I have opened my eyes to reality