I have had to restart so many times it is starting to make my skin crawl. I restarted my fast at 11:32 PM last night and I plan to make that my last restart, my self-loathing is enough to keep me from eating for a lifetime, I always cover my mirrors, turn away from my Ana community in shame and thus I fail at the one thing I do best. If only Ana was a physical person right? It would make it so much easier to talk yourself out of things if you had the image of true obtainable perfection staring you in the fucking face all day long, with disappointment and disgust. Though simply being criticized and told that you are not good enough every day is enough for me.
Why do I feel so god damn big?! Do any of you guys ever feel like this? Like, I hunch over and try to sit curled into a ball in hopes I look smaller, I feel I am too wide and too fat and too tall (even though I am not tall at all)
I found my role model, thin, narrow, pretty-plain, thigh gap: Teri Hatcher
You know what is funny? In Desperate Housewives "What If.." episode she had to put on a fat suit.... this is her in it as a "fat person":
....If that is what she considers fat and the crew of Desperate Housewives then I am utterly repulsed by myself! No I don't have that ugly double chin or those sagging flesh tanks you people might call arms but I did have that gut and I did have those nasty thighs and I left them both behind for something better but now I realize what I want is not something better but perfection!
look at my baby:
I am sorry but if someone says Perfection is not obtainable then I would love to be re-informed on what societies version of perfection is these days.
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