INspiration

I just feel like somewhere there is someone that really needs something positive today.

Take a moment to smile at someone or even at your own reflection; you might be surprised how much a smile can change your mood. Try helping someone out or doing something unexpected, tell someone close to you how much they mean to you...we are not promised a tomorrow so don't try to pass up today. Talk to someone you haven't in a long time, even if it is an older relative that won't let you get off the phone! 

Brighten someone else's day with words of encouragement or even a compliment you normally would keep to yourself; you don't know how much those little things could mean to someone else. 

Finish that to do list or help someone else with theirs; 

Go sit outside [if it is a nice day] and enjoy life for its simplicity; 

take one day out of your life, or even just an hour, and donate it to someone else or simply use it to humble yourself; forget about numbers, food, and what others may think about you and just be

I really hope all who read this have a wonderful day whether they do any of these things or not; whether you hate me or don't care, I really care about all my followers and readers; and this is so cliche but I mean it:

You're all beautiful people, despite your past or even what you may have done today; no matter what you have done, didn't do, what has been done to you, or what's been said: you are a beautiful person inside and out that deserves at least one day without hate, negativity or worry!

You might think "Oh she doesn't even know me, how can she know if I am beautiful or not," but I don't need to see your face or even to have met you to know that you're an amazing person with a lot of life still within you. 

For just one day, love yourself and everyone you meet; Smile at the sun, watch the birds, take a deep breath. Even if no one smiles at you today or says anything nice:

I love you, God loves you, and

 today is just a drop in the ocean, it will fade, so don't let the awfulness in and keep your peace

<3

More Music on a Tuesday

Hollywood Undead - My Black Dahlia

Picture Me Broken - Skin and Bones 

The second one is definitely about having an Eating Disorder but the first one almost reminds me of the Pro-Ana aspect of it, where we are in a love-hate relationship with our EDs, the constant war of loving it and hating it at the same time--or it can just be a song to listen to if your boyfriend/girlfriend ever breaks your heart. 

Cut by Plumb

I Can't Do This by Plumb

Need You Now by Plumb

14, Sept., 2012

I love this song so much lol, truly!

Well I was 144.6 but I had chocolate cake and fat free popcorn so now I am 145.4.... I am fasting today anyway so it won't matter I'll be 143 by the end of the day (or damn well near it)

I feel like I am slipping, becoming more depressed, hateful and internalizing everything. I realized something: I push people away. It is true, I ignore them, I scream at them, snap at them, I am always sarcastic with a far away icy glare...whatever it takes to keep people at a distance. I have even somewhat pushed myself away. Lying to myself, idolizing pictures and objects to keep food off my mind, using school as an excuse to not hang out with my friends even though when I am alone I all but sneer at my computer (online school).

My parents say they love each other but there paths never cross. Ever. My mom works two jobs, and my dad works nights so he comes home when my mom is sleeping and sleeps all day. I am so alone, I try to pretend like I am okay with this, like I am okay with everything because in all honesty, no one would CARE if something bothered me. My sister moved out and has not looked back since, she dreads visiting and though she pities me for having to live here with my parents, she has abandoned me.  I truly hate my mother, do not get the wrong idea that I have some sick twisted idea that in order to get attention from her I am anorexic and outwardly angry at the world, hell no. I could care less for her. Same for my father (who by the way I have a strong feeling sexually molested me when I was younger, or maybe it was in my tween years while I was asleep and I have suppressed it either way, the outward hatred towards him and all men, humiliation, self-hatred, it is all there.)

I relate quite well with people, it will forever be a mystery to me why I decide to push them away and build a wall around myself and my heart to keep them away when I crave for them, crave for their comfort, crave for them to save me from myself and Ana. Why can't I eat? without the hatred, without the humiliation, without the disgust, without the desire to confess on my blog and to receive the nasty comments, without the never-ending inner monologue about how fat and disgusting I am, how I need to throw it all up and beg Ana for forgiveness, how I need to starve for days, without the swirling dizziness, without the emotions that roar up within me threatening to make me lash out and destroy my relationship with anyone within a mile of myself. 

I crave to be normal, crave to be able to love myself and to accept people for who they are and not for the size of their goddamn jeans.

I'm just so ready to run, run away from it all! I hate my family, there is no reason for me to stay here, no reason at all. There is no place for me to go and without a destination I think I will finally have the freedom to starve in which I so desperately want to do... It may seem like I don't with all the binging but I do, I do! I want to starve so much it physically fucking KILLS me...everyday that I feel satisfaction, fullness I die a little inside, the pain from hunger is overwhelming but I want to welcome it with open arms and allow it to overtake me, I want to be 98 pounds...80 pounds... I need to let go of this..and just let myself be taken over, I fight it with a vengeance but I am weak and tired,... This is not glamourous in the least... 

So sorry to ramble... I just feel much better writing it all out even if it is only for a very short while.

Love you lots guys

Dear Mother, Dear Father..

If your an Anorectic (someone suffering from Anorexia) then you, much like I, probably will relate to every single word in this song....

Violent mothers, cheating fathers, leaving lovers....

Do we all have awful, well intentioned parents? 

My mother is--in her own way--Ana. She pushes me to starve, to not eat, to lose weight. 

"I'm absolutely starving, going to eat a bite of something"

"Why eat? You already ate a few bites of my enchilada, you are going to gain weight."

"I have had nothing to eat all day..."

"Well go eat if you must"

"No, it is fine... just never you mind."

So...That day I had just gone without food.

When I lose weight she looks so proud, so fucking proud of me. So happy, and accepting of me as her daughter for once. 

I am just a number, I put every single ounce of my self-worth into my ability to starve and lose weight. 

30, July, 2012

Woo! So I am on day 2 of my new diet plan! I sort of messed up yesterday, my hunger sparked out of no where and no matter what I had I was in pain, I ate a total of 800-900 calories....

Today I plan on sticking to my 654 limit no matter how hungry I get! I came this close to eating but my dad saved me (without knowing it) by asking me to unload the dishes. As soon as I finished I ran to my room like all hell had let loose. 

I skipped lunch because I have been really rejecting food, plus I was up all night, I wanted to sleep at least some today :)

I will eat dinner (4 vegan chik'n nuggets) and some Catalina = 290 calories

For breakfast I put chopped broccoli and tomato in a pan and poured 2 egg whites over it and made it into an omelette and just to add the calories I put a slice of cheddar cheese on it. 

So today (after dinner) will total up to 412 calories. 

I plan on just eating the same thing every day this week so I do not have to constantly plan out my effing meals, if you know what I mean. 

I do not think it would be a good idea to fast on this diet until I am used to it though... I know I have lost weight because even with my clothes on I am 149.2 :) 

Can't wait, I have decided to get a treadmill and my dad found one extremely cheap so I am hoping we can get it ASAP 

OH! I also knew this song from drug education in elementary school, I just listened to it today and realized how much I relate to it, but in a different way... maybe you will understand when you listen?

Why cant fasting be easy dammit!

I hate it! I am such a disgusting fat bitch! I have no respect for myself, my body or anything. I have no self control and I am going to die because of it. I WISH I could just simply starve, but no it is just no that god damn easy! 

I had a revelation, I saw Ana, yes I understand how crazy that sounds. I looked in the mirror, first head on then turned to the sides, I stared for a really, really long time and when I went to turn away my eyes filled with tears of guilt, and self-hate I heard it. The voice, "Stop whining you little skank, you did it to yourself. I can help you if you really want this, if you promise to listen to me from now on. If you promise to give your self completely to me. Listen to me, and I will save you from yourself." Looking in the mirror I saw my body the one I really want, skinny, collar bones, and hip bones......the thigh gap...She winked, smiling,  and it was gone, just my fat self...and my reflection. 

Fasting thinspo

Seriously, the best video you could watch! Amazing! I love it to death :)

FASTING TIP:

If you want to fast for a long time but tend to mess up on a certain day (day 1/2/3/4/5 etc.) then go to the kitchen, get whatever foods you are wanting (nothing from the fridge or freezer) take it to your room and put it in the closet. I realized that I binge because I want to eat something before my dad can eat it all, and I know by the time my fast is over it will be gone. This may or may not be the same case for you but just try it. 

Eep! Bikini shopping!

I am so, so, so excited to go bikini shopping! I am not thin enough yet, and I am not going until my fast is over (which is only more motivating because I am getting one rather I lose weight or not so I need to lose weight or it'll be a waste of money!) I am so excited! My best friend who lives in Alabama is coming down to spend yet another summer with me and we are going to get matching ones (neon pink!) and belly button rings, then after a week or so we will go to a water/theme park! Either Six Flags in Dallas or Magic Springs in Arkansas. Decisions, decisions. 

Still on day 1 of fasting, I am actually enjoying this fast and relishing in the temptations and cravings knowing food no longer has its greasy claws in my back! But that may be due to the fact that I have 50 thinspo videos in a playlist on repeat :) 

I have an old bathing suit as motivation too, I have it on a hanger, hanging where I can see it no matter what! My bathroom door is always open so I can see my body whenever I walk past, and my stand up mirror is out of the closet ready to slice and dice if I decide I am not so sure how bad I really want to be thin!

MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THINSPO(S):

So many! There are more but I don't want this post to be 10 pages long, I am such a Thinspo addict!! <3

I love you all, and good luck to those who are fasting or wanting to fast, stay strong and know that there are others going through the same thing too so don't feel too alone, darlings!

Ana/Mia Playlist

Paper Bag- Fiona Apple
Never Good Enough- Rachel Ferguson
Numbers- Pompeii
Deadly Beauty- Faces Without Names
Skinny- Edith Backlund
Courage- Superchick
Bulimic Beats- Catatonia
90210- Wale
Starving For Attention- Geri Karlstrom
She’s Falling Apart- Lia Loeb
Big Isn’t Beautiful- King Adora
Feed Me- Juliana Hatfield
Genevieve- Outcast Youth
Lucy At The Gym- Jill Sobule
Waltz Moore- From First To Last
Me And Mia- Ted Leo And The Pharmacists
Crawling- Linkin Park
Addicted- Kelly Clarkson
Annie’s Anorexic- The Huntingtons
Bleed Like Me- Garbage
Skin And Bones- Foo Fighters
Sophie- Eleanor McEvoy
Anorexic Beauty- Pulp
Skin And Bones- Mariana’s Trench
Sleeping Sickness- City And Colour

You know I really wonder...

Sometimes, like now...I want to recover. I want to be normal and eat, I want to love food again, to not worry about weight or calories. But then, also like now, I want nothing more than to starve and be beautiful. No matter the cost.

I wish that my eating disorder affected my family, I wish that my parents were worried for me. But no, it was almost too easy to convince my mother that I am only fasting for the health benefits. It is almost too easy to skip days, to not eat, to workout for hours on in, it is just too easy. Because in her mind eating disorder does not exist, especially with me. I am "too fat" for an eating disorder apparently, I "eat too much" to have an eating disorder. What does it fucking take to get my mom to care about me? Fucking Christ... OK sorry I am ranting and most of that was just stupid, of course I don't want my mom to know I have anorexia, of course I am not doing this to get my mother's attention. She is not that important to me, god. I just...wish...

It is 2:04 AM right now. My mouth is very dry, like sand paper almost. I am having small but powerful urges to eat and snack. No specific cravings, thank god, and not really wanting to eat or hungry it is mainly boredom. So I am lucky...

I got this off of "Beyond the Looking Glass" blog. 

More Ana music..

Be careful.. this is a tear jerker...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTv8TojcgDE

Ana's beautiful voice...

</3 She will be there...no matter what

Anorexia Music

Rachel Ferguson - Never Good Enough

Superchick - Courage

Amanda Clemens - I don't want to be me

Britt Nicole - When she cries

Kent - We need to eat

Filter - Skinny

Lisa Loeb - She's falling apart

Outcast Youth - Genevieve

Edith Backlund - Skinny