I do not know why but today my mood has been shifting a lot I keep getting really really depressed, the kind of depressed where you just turn on some music, lay on your bed, cover up and stare at the fucking wall for a few hours.
Hate...
- I hate being cold all the time, but at least it burns more calories than warmth...
- I hate feeling hungry all the time, but it is better than feeling like a fat cow
- I hate the weird pains I get in my stomach, but at least I know it is not constipation
- I hate dizzy spells, better that then passing out from over heating
- I hate how my heart beats too fast sometimes, at least it isn't clogged with cholesterol..
- I hate the depression it gives me, at least I am not depressed about getting fatter
- How much I hate myself for not losing more than 1 lb a day
Love...
- Losing weight
- Feeling like I am a part of something
- feeling my bones
I have not been this depressed in... a long time... Like... I have never seriously considered running away so much in my life and its gotten to a point where I am daydreaming about what I'd pack, where I'd stay each night, who I could and couldn't trust... It is a fucking hell hole inside my head I just want out dammit. I am so scared of being put in a mental hospital (my absolute biggest fear in which my psycho mother has no problem using against me in times of angst) why can't I, for just one day, be truely happy?
I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. Do you know if there was anything specific which triggered you into this depression, or is it just the mixture of all the stresses becoming overwhelming.
ReplyDeletePlease, if you EVER need anyone to talk to I'm here for you.
Please take care and know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon.
Thank you for your concern. I am not sure, I think it is just a mix of stress from my family and because I have been having trouble with controlling my binging these past few days. Again, thank you so much, you're very kind, I am hoping after a few days of fasting if my weight drops I will be somewhat myself again.
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