Someone, please, be mean, be nasty, tell me I am fat, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being, a waste of space who deserves to die and should just go kill herself. I need to be humiliated and set back on track, I cannot stand myself to look in that oblong stand-up mirror that is propped against my closet door, forcing me to watch myself as I undress and struggle to button the pants i idolize with ever fragment of my very being, the pants I want so badly to wear, that I would starve myself within an inch of my very life just so I could button them and look sexy while doing it.
I am so tired of people saying "you are doing great, I can tell you have lost weight" or "there is always tomorrow" I am so depressed and just want to sleep, sleep for a solid week so that I can starve without temptation and the endless questions of "have you eaten today?" "do you want dinner" "you look sick, do you want me to make you something?"
I hate food.. I truly do, I hate the tastes, the way it feels when it runs over my tongue and rolls down my throat like a slug, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate that it makes me fat, I hate that it travels through you like slime in a sewer pipe. I hate how it smells, that disgusting aroma that makes my stomach burn with anticipation, forcing me to eat just a little bit until it turns into a "what the fuck have I done" moment.
My thighs have long sideways pink scars now, freshly healed from the last time I cut a few days ago, my trusty razor looks so deliciously pleasant now
I don't want to "fix" this, I am sick of having to "fix" stuff I want to just be perfect, I want to just starve, I hate myself so much I am so weak and I will never be happy
Please, if you want to binge or cheat... don't.. it is the most depressing thing ever and every time you do it it kills you a little inside :(
My seven day fast starts today, because I had eaten yesterday (a few hours ago) see that is my problem I starve myself all day and then binge from 9pm-11pm because my hunger flares up dominating me becoming evermore threatening like inextinguishable flames with only one weakness: food.
If you have actually read to this point, thank you, please please if you have fasted for a week or longer on nothing but water give me some tips, I may have thousands of tips for fasting, but I tend to not listen to them unless they come from someone else.
I've fasted for a soild 3 weeks before.
ReplyDeleteEvery 4th day i would have half a meal reaplcement shake with water insted of milk. . .Thats just how I did and I did lose weight.
I am probably more disgusting than you - you wont belive how fat I have gotton I am 88 kg = 193.6 lbs . . .Use me as an anti goal I guess cos once those kilos/pounds creep back it gets out of control fast and you being to hate your self more than you belived you could.
Wow! 3 weeks?! How did you do that? Like did you do anything to stay distracted? Did you smoke/chew gum/drink tons of water to keep appetite down? Or use tricks like cayenne pepper in your water to burn calories and suppress appetite? What was your motivation? I am sorry but I need the fasting education xD
DeleteAnd about being 88 KG you will most certainly get there! I believe in you and you should believe in yourself and give yourself more credit, you might be bigger than I, but you are better at fasting, you can do the diet I am trying: Where you fast all week eat some veggies/fruit on the 7th day and then repeat until you are at your desired weight.
DeleteI got my lip periced every week so it was really hard to eat lol
ReplyDeleteI got my left snake bite one week, my right snake bite next and then my veritcal labret so my lips where to sore to eat soild food even if I wanted to.
I also tired to just go out and do something every day, but Id pre buy my bus tickets and take no extra cash with me so i wouldnt be tempted to buy cake or something. I would go the city, all the noise and people was an awesome distraction.
I looked at a lot of thinspo to but I found the more I thought about the fact I was fasting the worse the cravings got, I found gum to not really help cos the chewing acctually made me hungry. I did do the Cayenne pepper lemon aid diet drink too but that was a different fast - I went for 4 weeks, Holy shit dont EVER do 4 weeks. I lived off that cayanne pepper lemon aid and like duch chocolate meal replacement. I got so sick.
I am also trying something now call the Paleo diet, my mate is a personal trainer and promised with even exercising or calorie counting or evne portion control I would lose the weight . . .its sounds totally insane but here is the link to it http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2010/10/04/the-beginners-guide-to-the-paleo-diet/?utm_expid=12196761-1&utm_referrer=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com.au%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26frm%3D1%26source%3Dweb%26cd%3D3%26sqi%3D2%26ved%3D0CGkQFjAC%26url%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.nerdfitness.com%252Fblog%252F2010%252F10%252F04%252Fthe-beginners-guide-to-the-paleo-diet%252F%26ei%3DSccpUNb0L8yViQft_YCACw%26usg%3DAFQjCNHh_zKv0YxTscQr7pZZRZA8F0jhkg
My biggest tip is dont stress, it acctually makes your body cling to the weight. I mean dont take it to easy but remeber you always have the next day to make it right, I realised the endless spiral off self hate will unlimately make you fail.
I understand how you feel.
ReplyDeleteToday I spent the day at my friend's house and she made me eat some pasta for lunch, and until I realised after I couldn't purge I never realised how messed up I am. I either have to starve myself, or eat everything then purge. I don't have an in between.
But honestly, you've lost so much more than me. I could never tell you that you're a fat failure, because YOU ARE MY INSPIRATION. Whenever I want to give up I think of how successful you are and it gives me the courage to go on.
Please never doubt yourself again, because you're amazing.