I had imagined a few months ago that I would be at my UGW by now, not still struggling to be in the 130s.
I am scared, my loves, that I am not worthy of Ana anymore, not worthy to say I have an eating disorder because I have failed at everything I am good at. Why is it that the 5% of Anorexia that is binging has turned into a whopping 96% for these past TWO months?
With Thanksgiving day after tomorrow, I am terrified because of all the food, I don't want it, oh god I don't want it, so overwhelmed by how much food will be there and my entire family on my mom's side all who will be annoyingly curious as to why I don't want to eat. My mom and sister will get annoyed, possibly pull me aside and tell me to cut it out that I have been eating normal for two months why am I doing this again, why I am I ruining thanksgiving, why am I making a scene?
Ugh I just don't want to deal with it all!! I want my hunger back, my dropping numbers, my laxatives, my confidence boost every time I got off the treadmill and saw that my stomach was toning up little by little.
Why cant anyone be here to slap me and tell me I don't want this food, I don't need this food! Because I don't want it and I don't need it but somehow that doesn't matter it is like my mind blanks out and its all I can do to not vomit the weeks screw ups all over my bathroom.
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Oh my god... ew! I went and threw ALL the sweets away, even shit that hasn't been opened, I then preceded to run on the treadmill for 30 minutes and burned 202 calories, I will finish the other 1800 in a minute. I just wanted to APOLOGIZE for my behaviour these past few months but I have finally gotten a hold of myself, I got the slap I needed and will be strong for everyone for here on out.
Oh my god... ew! I went and threw ALL the sweets away, even shit that hasn't been opened, I then preceded to run on the treadmill for 30 minutes and burned 202 calories, I will finish the other 1800 in a minute. I just wanted to APOLOGIZE for my behaviour these past few months but I have finally gotten a hold of myself, I got the slap I needed and will be strong for everyone for here on out.
When you don't eat much tomorrow it doesn't mean you are ruining Thanksgiving or making a scene. If other people make a scene about it and ruin their Thanksgiving over it, that's on them not on you. (So if they start giving you grief, try to stay calm so when anyone looks back on it they can see you didn't cause a scene.)
ReplyDeleteStay strong! Focus on *your* goal and what *you* want. Ana is with you.