14, Sept., 2012

I love this song so much lol, truly!

Well I was 144.6 but I had chocolate cake and fat free popcorn so now I am 145.4.... I am fasting today anyway so it won't matter I'll be 143 by the end of the day (or damn well near it)

I feel like I am slipping, becoming more depressed, hateful and internalizing everything. I realized something: I push people away. It is true, I ignore them, I scream at them, snap at them, I am always sarcastic with a far away icy glare...whatever it takes to keep people at a distance. I have even somewhat pushed myself away. Lying to myself, idolizing pictures and objects to keep food off my mind, using school as an excuse to not hang out with my friends even though when I am alone I all but sneer at my computer (online school).

My parents say they love each other but there paths never cross. Ever. My mom works two jobs, and my dad works nights so he comes home when my mom is sleeping and sleeps all day. I am so alone, I try to pretend like I am okay with this, like I am okay with everything because in all honesty, no one would CARE if something bothered me. My sister moved out and has not looked back since, she dreads visiting and though she pities me for having to live here with my parents, she has abandoned me.  I truly hate my mother, do not get the wrong idea that I have some sick twisted idea that in order to get attention from her I am anorexic and outwardly angry at the world, hell no. I could care less for her. Same for my father (who by the way I have a strong feeling sexually molested me when I was younger, or maybe it was in my tween years while I was asleep and I have suppressed it either way, the outward hatred towards him and all men, humiliation, self-hatred, it is all there.)

I relate quite well with people, it will forever be a mystery to me why I decide to push them away and build a wall around myself and my heart to keep them away when I crave for them, crave for their comfort, crave for them to save me from myself and Ana. Why can't I eat? without the hatred, without the humiliation, without the disgust, without the desire to confess on my blog and to receive the nasty comments, without the never-ending inner monologue about how fat and disgusting I am, how I need to throw it all up and beg Ana for forgiveness, how I need to starve for days, without the swirling dizziness, without the emotions that roar up within me threatening to make me lash out and destroy my relationship with anyone within a mile of myself. 

I crave to be normal, crave to be able to love myself and to accept people for who they are and not for the size of their goddamn jeans.

I'm just so ready to run, run away from it all! I hate my family, there is no reason for me to stay here, no reason at all. There is no place for me to go and without a destination I think I will finally have the freedom to starve in which I so desperately want to do... It may seem like I don't with all the binging but I do, I do! I want to starve so much it physically fucking KILLS me...everyday that I feel satisfaction, fullness I die a little inside, the pain from hunger is overwhelming but I want to welcome it with open arms and allow it to overtake me, I want to be 98 pounds...80 pounds... I need to let go of this..and just let myself be taken over, I fight it with a vengeance but I am weak and tired,... This is not glamourous in the least... 

So sorry to ramble... I just feel much better writing it all out even if it is only for a very short while.

Love you lots guys