Well I am back, sorry for disappearing on you all.
Lately...I have been messing up, they are small slip ups but they happen through out the day every day and I am now 149 fuck-my-life.
I have been so stressed from school having way to much work to do, so many grades slipping down slowly simply from missing one or two points on a few tests. The added stress that if I fail ANY class I will not be a junior next year (11th grade).
I have been so suicidal lately... I have not told anybody that... I guess I feel safer on my blog like it is my own little sanctuary where anyone that hears my secrets is bound to care or to at the very least have no way of trying to tell everyone I know about them.
It is not a matter of if I am fasting but a matter of how long I am going to starve myself, until I feel worthy, how long I am willing to allow myself to go on. My mind is blank I am so weak and tired all of the time! When I workout my stomach churns and I am almost always doubled over from the pain inside of wanting to vomit.
I don't feel pretty, I don't feel alive, I don't want to live like this. I hate myself so much, when I open my mouth those are the words that spill out. I had to catch myself when my mother said her goodbyes and that she loved me before heading off to work yesterday morning.
There is nothing I could possibly want right now, not pizza, pasta, chocolate, bread, crisps... nothing. If not depression or Ana keeping me in this state then it is my complete and utter hate and revulsion towards meself that keeps me from eating, that keeps my curled in my bed, that keeps me in my room. It is all I can do to simply get out of bed and do my school work and plop back into my bed and wait for the sun to set and rise once more.
I'll get through this though, in fact I KNOW I will get through this. Because I will not step on that damned scale until Sunday, and until then--I starve.
Hey, I've just recently started reading your blog. I always check it to see how you're doing (not trying to be weird). You know I don't condone anorexiia, but it is a way of life whether we choose to be this way or not. We're not perfect. Mess ups are bound to happen and it doesn't make you less of a person. I know its a struggle everyday waking up, stepping on that scale and hoping the number you see today is less than the day before. I know its hard seeing skinny girls all around you and feeling worthless compared to them. But you aren't. You're a strong young lady. I am proud of you and you're doing great.
ReplyDeleteDarling, you can always open up here and tell us anything. I'll always be here for you. I know it may seem tempting, but please don't let suicide lure you in. You have so much to live for, and so many great things will happen to you. I promise you it will get better.
ReplyDeleteTake care and stay strong, you can do anything.
If it makes u feel any better I am on the EXACT same page! I went from 108-148 in jus 9 month. I blame my new job! Stress, always on the go & I don't workout at all anymore! I wish I could go back in time. I have no self control or motivation now days. i feel the same I'd rather be dead then fat! I don't know where to start or what to do! Not to mention at my job I'm surrounded with ONLY skinny girls! Could ne the reason they hired me. I was happy before because my Bulimia exhausted me mentally & physically I went to numerous therapist that made my purging go away but not my binging! That's where I got FUCKED word of advice don't go to a therapist if there good they'll teach u to accept yourself. & if you're fat & accept it you'll always be fat & fatter. That's where I'm at. I want so bad to have my Bulimia back! I'm right next to u girl!
ReplyDelete