Current

Sunday: 200 calories

Monday: 200 calories

Tuesday: 0 calories

Wednesday: 0 calories

Thursday: 200 calories

Friday: 0 calories

Saturday: 200 calories

It is actually quite easy for me to "not eat" than it is for me to try and restrict to a certain number of calories; It is so hard to fight that insufferable urge to binge when I break a fast. It is not even that 200 calories doesn't fill me up for the day, because on any given day I can eat 1 chip and be happy with that, but when I fast and then go into a restricting day.. oh my gosh

 I already have my eating planned out and I am hoping that I can go to sleep as soon as I finish so that way I cannot eat anything afterwards, and when I wake up I will take an adderall to cut off my appetite... 

oh and a tip from personal experience: 

If you Binge a lot on Low Calorie Diets:

I know you don't want to hear this but...you need to start at a reasonable calorie intake. If you have been eating in the recommended 2000-1200 calorie range, then how do you expect your body to just magically adjust to a strict and restrictive diet? It won't, it will retaliate out of fear and make you binge. 

There are 2 scenarios:

• You eat 1200 calories every day for a week, and cut 200 calories from that number as the weeks go by, thus your stomach will start shrinking...leading to you requiring less and less food; You will work your way down to 200 calories a day and find that, that is actually the perfect amount for you and you will lose lots of weight. 

Or

•  You can get impatient, after years of binging, and eating 2000 calories you decide you want to jump right into eating 200 calories a day and it leaves you ravenous for more so you do everything you can to distract yourself, but you give in. This is too hard, you think; so you give up and go back to your old eating habits.

Which scenario do you want? Be patient, you did not put the weight on over night, and it isn't coming off that way either. Just because you fast or immediately go down to 200 calories after a 2000 calorie diet does not mean you will automatically shed the weight right off.. you will more than likely just put it back on and then some. 

Just saying <3

Anti-Pro Ana?? Part 1

Oh my goodness, please, I wish these people would get a grip; there is a massive difference between supporting recovery/wanting to stop pro-ana and unintentionally bashing every single person who suffers from an eating disorder.

Like, how fucking dare you say someone does not have an eating disorder, or set the standards for having one if you have never even had anything SIMILAR to an eating disorder.

Do you honestly think you will benefit someone, save a life, or whatever by telling young, and obviously impressionable girls and gents, that they are stupid, liars, pathetic and so on because they are supporting each other to stay alive? That it is "all in there head" and "just another failed attempt at dieting"...

Whether a girl has anorexia or not, if she is even trying to practice the habits of any eating disorder then obviously something is very, very wrong. 

Ugh, just... you're not helping anyone, so stop. 

Obviously, I know that just because you skip one or two or even four meals every once in a while, that you are not anorexic; I know that just because you may experience two or three symptoms, it does not mean you have an eating disorder.

But how dare you say, that someone who has an eating disorder, that does only skip one or two meals a week, that only experiences three or four symptoms is any less of a person, has any less pain--than someone who suffers with all the symptoms, who never eats. 

Anorexia is different for EVERYONE. Not every anorectic is overweight or underweight, not every anorectic shows an abnormal eating pattern! 

You can eat normal, three times a day, but exercise your ass off to burn every calorie while still maintaining a normal weight and still have anorexia so shut the hell up if you are not a doctor, therapist, psychiatrist or ... you know what, how about you just don't fucking worry about whether someone is diagnosed or not?

If someone is looking a "thinspo" and desires to starve him or herself, then they deserve someone to tell them that they have been heard, and you are willing to help them through this; not some pretentious bitch know-it-all telling them they don't have anything wrong with them, and that they are pathetic for "wanting" and eating disorder"

No one WANTS anorexia, and if you do then you are already suffering from some form of chemical imbalance or mental illness! You are already suffering from body dysmorphia or depression or eating problem.

No mentally/emotionally/physically healthy person looks up pictures of thin guys/girls and thinks "hm, I think I want to starve myself and talk to other people who starve themselves"

So if you want to actually HELP someone, then talk to them like a decent person and help them find another way to cope with whatever it is they are going through. Otherwise you are only contributing to the growing number of teens and adults who are killing themselves everyday trying to obtain something they'll never have:

control

acceptance

love

comfort 

So next time, before you think to yourself "why in the hell would anyone want Anorexia, they're obviously faking", ask yourself this: "What in the hell could have destroyed this person's self-esteem so much, they'd reduce themselves to nothing, something not even worth the amount of food it takes to stay alive"

Anorexic Mentality

You know it really frustrates me when people say "just eat; if you want to lose weight, then just eat healthy and exercise"; like, I understand that they're just trying to be helpful and all, but it really isn't. In fact that is probably a really big trigger for me, so I know it has got to be bad for at least some other anorectics as well. 

I can't speak for everyone, but this is not about losing weight in the sense that I want to be healthy and look "pretty" by society's standards. This is about my need to be empty, to feel clean, it is about me feeling like I am drowning in my own body, and my only way to break away is to not eat and wait for my bones to jut out. So... for me it was once superficial, then it became about control, now it is about... well-- I am not really sure... I guess the need to be free? 

Anorectics get hungry; we don't just "think" about food, we obsess over it; we crave, we dream of food; it is not like if you shove a plate of fries to me I am going to be completely revolted. I want them, I want so badly to take a handful and shove them down my throat; this is not about control, it is all about being controlled. 

It used to be so hard to "fast" (I don't like calling it that anymore, seeing as it is never intentional anymore), it used to be so hard to keep my calories under 1000 a day; now it is like two days could pass and I wouldn't even realize because I would still be obsessing about the last thing I ate and how fat it is going to make me. 

It is like there is a constant war in my mind; I want people to notice that I am in pain, but at the same time it infuriates me when people try to take this away from me, it is me. You can't just take a part of me away. 

It is never about the health or the health issues, you just get to that point where... you don't care if you die; you keep thinking "just a few more pounds" but then you lose them, and it is never enough; no matter how much you lose, you will always want to lose more, you will always be disappointed with yourself, disgusted that you didn't lose more.

I have a hard time ingesting anything now that is not water without feeling like I just ruined everything; like the world is crashing around me; I haven't been on the scale in so long, I am afraid to even look at it anymore. 

I wish I could say this is glamorous because I know the desire to starve, the need to be thin; I know the frustration of wanting Anorexia or at least the ability to practice it and not being able to. But, this is not glamorous at all.

 I can't look in mirrors without seeing a whale of a girl staring back at me, I only have two outfits I can wear now because I have breakdowns when I put something on and it points out just one more flaw. 

I'm not going to say I want healthy girls to seek out Ana or help them on their journey with her, because I don't. I wish the only people that found this blog were those already exposed to Ana. 

Please--if you are just looking for a quick fix, a fast way to lose weight, or something glamorous because you think it is what all the cool people do: 

leave; run as far and fast as you can.

Anorexia does not make everyone skinny, but it destroys every living soul it touches; it will stay with you for the rest of your life, and whether you think you will get sucked in or not I can say now that you will. Everyone does. 

I never realized quite how disrespectful I came/come across when I say that I am Pro-Ana because there are girls who have died, are dying, will have severe health problems for the rest of their lives and there are girls who come onto the internet and LOOK for that. 

Just--don't.