Thanksgiving

I had imagined a few months ago that I would be at my UGW by now, not still struggling to be in the 130s.

I am scared, my loves, that I am not worthy of Ana anymore, not worthy to say I have an eating disorder because I have failed at everything I am good at. Why is it that the 5% of Anorexia that is binging has turned into a whopping 96% for these past TWO months? 

With Thanksgiving day after tomorrow, I am terrified because of all the food, I don't want it, oh god I don't want it, so overwhelmed by how much food will be there and my entire family on my mom's side all who will be annoyingly curious as to why I don't want to eat. My mom and sister will get annoyed, possibly pull me aside and tell me to cut it out that I have been eating normal for two months why am I doing this again, why I am I ruining thanksgiving, why am I making a scene? 

Ugh I just don't want to deal with it all!! I want my hunger back, my dropping numbers, my laxatives, my confidence boost every time I got off the treadmill and saw that my stomach was toning up little by little. 

Why cant anyone be here to slap me and tell me I don't want this food, I don't need this food! Because I don't want it and I don't need it but somehow that doesn't matter it is like my mind blanks out and its all I can do to not vomit the weeks screw ups all over my bathroom. 

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Oh my god... ew! I went and threw ALL the sweets away, even shit that hasn't been opened, I then preceded to run on the treadmill for 30 minutes and burned 202 calories, I will finish the other 1800 in a minute. I just wanted to APOLOGIZE for my behaviour these past few months but I have finally gotten a hold of myself, I got the slap I needed and will be strong for everyone for here on out.

Life goes on

So...

My mom came to the decision I have waited my whole life for: to leave my dad. I will be shipped off to stay with her childhood friend of 40-something years a state away from home (about 3-4 hours away) for 6 months to a year to establish residents all the while my mom will be lying to my dad saying it is for school while she gets her shit together and moves out. 

How could so much happen in 2 days?

All because my dad called my mom a leech, of course there is more to it like the fact that he has had two different mistresses since my mom has conceived me. 

Yes, I have waited a long time for her to come to this decision, I just didn't realize that in order to get my wish I would be shipped off leaving my dogs and computer and everything i have ever known behind. That it would include lying to my dad about my reason for leaving and that this may be the last time I ever truly see him.

I am afraid of the future, I plan to take the ACT, my mother is going to give parental consent and pull me out of school and at 17 (in 2 years) I will get my GED and go to college. So basically for 2 years I will be out of school focusing on my conversion to Catholicism (which I decided to do anyway but this will be the perfect opportunity)

Who knew 2 days could do so much damage?