17, Oct., 2012 Fuck the world, right?

Life is hard. And most people would sum it up with: it goes on. I think that does not do it justice. No, I think "It ALL ends" better suits it. 

I have never really liked to analyze people too much, because the longer I do it, the closer the gaping void of loneliness gets. I realize that we are all in this alone, we come in alone and go out alone, every man for himself... It makes me realize that no one gives a damn about my problems, just as I don't about yours. Hold on, hear me out. I care about people and their pain, but when it really comes down to it, does it not matter more to you when something is directly affecting you verses someone else? If your house burns down, it is your problem and will affect you for your entire life.. and for everyone else, family and friends included, it is as simple as these three words: life goes on. They have their own problems to worry about, cannot be bothered for longer then a few weeks about yours, no matter how serious they may be to you personally.   

It hurts to come to the realization that my mother will never change, no matter how much I want that to be a lie. Because you are raised to believe your mother loves you through thick and thin, more than anything in the entire world. But life is not a fairy tale  it does not have happy endings. I know some people have said "it will work out in the end, it always does" or "if it is meant to be, it will be" I say bull shit, we have said these things so many times for so long we have actually convinced ourselves that things do work out in the end, that life has a purpose for each of us.  Yes, because that is why people are on the streets, why women are abused, why children are abandoned, and why we are diseased with this sick illness that we enjoy, all because in the end, we have a purpose, and things will work out. 

I feel like my mom could have walked up and stabbed me in the stomach, even THAT would have been less painful than hearing her call me a failure, when she herself, is so low, has dug into the rock bottom just because that was not even low enough for her pathetic existence. Insecure, children hate her, working two jobs and still it doesn't help her financial problems, has no social life, and hates herself... she has nothing going for her in her life and STILL she see's me as the one who is a failure, not just because my grades are slipping, but because of what I have become. This lowly life form that people look at with sad eyes remembering when my eyes once sparkled but now just look empty and confused. I hate myself. I am so sick of people trying to relate and say that they understand exactly what I am going through or that I don't know what having a hard life is, that I have a great life compared to some people. 

That is like saying "Choose between a raped woman and a physically abused woman, which one has it worse?" It is sick, they both had awful experiences just in different ways, neither is more worse off than the other. How dare you compare me to someone who is starving in Africa, how dare you compare me to someone who has be sold for sex in America, they have a pretty shit life but you know what, just because I am not going through the exact same thing does not make what I am going through any less painful, any less real, any less... than their's 

09, Oct., 2012

144.0...

I just want to cry so bad right now. How could I possibly let myself get back to this weight and maintain it? What am I thinking? I am so weak it is pathetic. Reading all of your blogs rips at my insides, my throat is burning because I am fighting back the tears of guilt in which I have not felt for the past week because I had shut the world out and let myself eat freely. Self-loathing has never been so painful.

I found a routine I like (2 hours of running/walking on treadmill, 15 minutes of stretching, 15 minutes of arm and leg toning workouts, 5 minute cool down and 25 minutes of running/walking) 

I change it up slightly if I find something interesting, or want to focus more on a specific area of my body... 

By this Friday I will do everything in my power to be 134/135 I haven't given up, I will fast on Pepsi Max, Green Tea and Water while working out to the max until I make this happen. 

Blah. 

Give me strength :( 

28, Sept., 2012

Gave up on ABC diet now doing the Cabbage soup Diet (which I will explain at the end of post if you want to try it)... Because of its lack of calories it is not recommended to do it longer than a week. 

You can lose up to 11 pounds doing this diet, but I am aiming for 15-20+ since on certain days you eat veggies/fruits along with the soup and even have a meat day, I won't be doing that i will only be eating the soup all week, also I didn't use everything it called for (did not use: beef bouillon cube, peppers or beef broth) Lastly, will be drinking nothing but water on this, no coffee or tea or energy drinks. I plan to only do this for a week but perhaps I will do it longer if I am not too light headed or sick. 

Cabbage soup diet:

Instructions:
Eat as much cabbage soup as you desire for seven days and you can lose 10 to 15 pounds. The recipe varies slightly, but basically includes a variety of low-calorie vegetables such as cabbage, onions and tomatoes, flavored with bouillon, onion soup mix and tomato juice. Each day of the seven-day program has specific foods that must be eaten, including potatoes, fruit juice, many vegetables, and on one day, beef.




Day One:
Eat only fruit, all the fruit you want except banana.
Drink unsweetened tea, black coffee, cranberry juice and water.
Eat as much soup as you like.


Day Two:
All you want - fresh, raw or cooked vegetables of your choice.
Stay away from dry beans, peas and sweet corn.
Reward yourself with a big baked potato with butter for dinner.
Eat as much soup as you like, but no fruit for today.


Day Three:
Combine days one and two, eat as much fruit, vegetables and soup as you like but no baked potato.


Day Four:
Eat as many as eight bananas and drink as many glasses of skim milk as you would like on this day, along with your soup.
This day is supposed to lessen your desire for sweets.


Day Five:
You may have 10-20 ounces of beef (300-500g) and a large tin or up to six fresh tomatoes.
Drink at least 6 to 8 glasses of water this day to wash the uric acid from your body.
Eat your soup at least once today.
You may eat broiled or baked chicken (skinless) instead of beef. If you prefer, you can substitute broiled fish for the beef.


Day Six:
Eat beef and vegetables today.
You can even have 2 or 3 steaks if you like, with fresh vegetables or salad.
NO BAKED POTATO.
Eat your soup at least once.


Day Seven:
Brown rice, unsweetened fruit juices and vegetables all you want.
Be sure to eat your soup at least once to day.





Cabbage Soup Recipe


Ingredients:
1 - 46 oz. can V8 juice
1 - 14.5 oz. can of diced tomatoes
6 medium stalks of celery (approx. 1 cup)
1/2 medium cabbage, red or green (approx. 6 cups)
1 medium onion (approx. 1 cup) (Lillie prefers the sweet onions such as Vidalia)
6 medium carrots (Or pre-sliced to equal 1 1/2 cups)
2 medium green peppers (approx. 2 cups) (red and/or yellow can also be used)
1 envelope of Lipton Beefy Onion Soup Mix
1 - 14 oz. can Swanson's Lower Sodium Beef Broth
1 beef bouillon cube or package
1 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. black pepper... or to taste




Directions:
Chop and dice veggies. Add all ingredients into a large stock pot. Add water if necessary to bring liquids to almost twice the depth of the veggies in the pot. Bring to a boil, and stir as needed. Cook on low heat for about 2 hours... or until all the veggies are soft.
Other seasonings such as curry, parsley, or any other spices or herbs to suit your taste.
You may substitute Low Sodium V8 Juice and the resulting Sodium will be 321mg instead of 476mg per serving.




Recipe makes about 18 - 1 cup servings


Nutrition Facts per Serving (one cup):
Calories 50
Calories from fat 2
Total Fat 0.2g
Saturated Fat 0g
Cholesterol 0 mg
Sodium 476 mg
Total Carbohydrate 10.4g
Dietary Fiber 2.4 g
Protein 1.5g