Life is hard. And most people would sum it up with: it goes on. I think that does not do it justice. No, I think "It ALL ends" better suits it.
I have never really liked to analyze people too much, because the longer I do it, the closer the gaping void of loneliness gets. I realize that we are all in this alone, we come in alone and go out alone, every man for himself... It makes me realize that no one gives a damn about my problems, just as I don't about yours. Hold on, hear me out. I care about people and their pain, but when it really comes down to it, does it not matter more to you when something is directly affecting you verses someone else? If your house burns down, it is your problem and will affect you for your entire life.. and for everyone else, family and friends included, it is as simple as these three words: life goes on. They have their own problems to worry about, cannot be bothered for longer then a few weeks about yours, no matter how serious they may be to you personally.
It hurts to come to the realization that my mother will never change, no matter how much I want that to be a lie. Because you are raised to believe your mother loves you through thick and thin, more than anything in the entire world. But life is not a fairy tale it does not have happy endings. I know some people have said "it will work out in the end, it always does" or "if it is meant to be, it will be" I say bull shit, we have said these things so many times for so long we have actually convinced ourselves that things do work out in the end, that life has a purpose for each of us. Yes, because that is why people are on the streets, why women are abused, why children are abandoned, and why we are diseased with this sick illness that we enjoy, all because in the end, we have a purpose, and things will work out.
I feel like my mom could have walked up and stabbed me in the stomach, even THAT would have been less painful than hearing her call me a failure, when she herself, is so low, has dug into the rock bottom just because that was not even low enough for her pathetic existence. Insecure, children hate her, working two jobs and still it doesn't help her financial problems, has no social life, and hates herself... she has nothing going for her in her life and STILL she see's me as the one who is a failure, not just because my grades are slipping, but because of what I have become. This lowly life form that people look at with sad eyes remembering when my eyes once sparkled but now just look empty and confused. I hate myself. I am so sick of people trying to relate and say that they understand exactly what I am going through or that I don't know what having a hard life is, that I have a great life compared to some people.
That is like saying "Choose between a raped woman and a physically abused woman, which one has it worse?" It is sick, they both had awful experiences just in different ways, neither is more worse off than the other. How dare you compare me to someone who is starving in Africa, how dare you compare me to someone who has be sold for sex in America, they have a pretty shit life but you know what, just because I am not going through the exact same thing does not make what I am going through any less painful, any less real, any less... than their's
