Family Portrait

I have not desired to self-harm or starve in quite some time but I feel the overwhelming since of suffocating within my own skin coming about like a crashing wave; I'm about to drown. In the same sense, I feel the undeniable numbness of a looming depression, it threatens me like lurking black clouds. 

My parents don't have the happiest marriage; they let things build up and when it bubbles up to its peak, it explodes from their mouths with an unstoppable force like they are spitting spears into each other's hearts.  There are screams of betrayal and hate from both goliaths, and both forget I'm even there, shaking and teary-eyed as I am forced to listen. If only I could have run away from it all. 

I don't much feel like talking anymore, or even existing, my skin itches, begging me to scratch it off and I just want to disappear into the wind, find some place to be happy and find enough love within myself that I can live off of. I don't need other people or this family of mine that's taught me nothing but self-loathing and insecurity.

If I could, I would break every mirror in the house so they could see the truth of their warped faces beneath the facade of happiness. It hurts to know your mother steals from you and your father, and to know that your father is at the point of leaving. 

I think the giving of thanks on Thursday has been reduced to a big feast and forced get together that I, now, refuse to attend. I don't want to eat, and while I promised myself and tried to make it official through the space I put between myself and this blog.. It is inescapable. I will never escape my eating disorder it never goes away, it is a demon with claws so long and deeply gouged into my back that my bones will be the only proof of the scars 

I hurt. And I was an idiot to think I would ever recover.

Something New

I apologize for my inexplicable absence of late... To be honest there is really nothing new to add here, I may or may not have lost weight but I have noticed a sizable amount from my midsection's sides disappear.

I am not here to post about progress though; but rather I am here to say that I am not so adamant about making my whole life revolve around my "pro-ana" lifestyle in which is shown through my numerous blogs, folders of thinspo and desire to be a walking bone because I can't stand myself and I don't deserve food.

I have reconnected with God, and began to pray a lot recently and I can't shake the feeling that this blog and my encouragements to you to starve are...less than pleasing to God. 

I have thought about deleting it, changing it to a "pro-health", or whatever but I feel like neither were really good answers as this blog has obviously helped a lot of people get through some stuff or at least gave them a few tools to work through it on their own. 

So I will keep this blog up and running, but just know that when I make a post about anything it will be about healthy workout plans, healthy "diets", and healthy foods... I don't want to say I'm "cured" of my eating disorder because even that is pretty far-fetched. I still pass reflective surfaces and pinch my fat, I still feel sick when I see my fat, and I still struggle with making myself eat or making myself stop sometimes... 

But,

I refuse to encircle my life with "ANOREXIANOREXIANOREXIA" because that does not help me either, and I have found that the more I try to follow the "pro-ana" lifestyle the fatter I get because my eating disorder is not just starvation, it is binging too... So I am working on eating only healthy foods (I control the unhealthy crap in which I will allow to enter me)...

BOTTOM LINE:

I will still post here, just not as much and it won't be "pro-ana"-related; more so just healthy workouts and workout regimens, stress-relievers, detox diets, et cetra...

If you would like to follow my more inspirational blogs either to keep up with me or just because, then here are the links:

• http://christiscomingback.tumblr.com
• http://christiscomingagain.blogspot.com

I'm not naming this

First off: This post is both personal AND informational (in regards to losing weight)  so please skip to the "Tips" section if you want to skip the personal part! 

Anyway...

I am planning on studying to become a Health Coach and then going to college/university to become a Registered Dietitian and then Herbalist and Alternative Doctor...

It is a lot, and will probably take me anywhere from 5 to 15 years to complete everything but I am determined! In my research I have even found some great ways to help you lose weight...

TIPS SECTION:

• Your lifestyle, happiness, stress levels, spiritual standing (if your at peace or not), and even love life all have more effect on your overall health and weight than your diet does. 
• No diet in existence will work for every single person, what may help me lose 50 pounds in a mere month could only allow you to lose 2 or even make you gain weight. Find what suits and works for your individual needs and your own body. You know what makes you bloated, gassy, and feel guilty/fat/sick/heavy... and you know what makes you feel strong, thin, light etc. so use that knowledge to help you.
• You do not lose weight long-term on any diet, you have to make a lifestyle change. A lifestyle change means getting rid of processed foods or meat or candy or coffee (et cetra) forever not just for a week or two; a lifestyle change means be more active in everything you do (taking the stairs, riding your bike etc.) for your health not just for weight loss and keeping this behaviour up for the rest of your life NOT just for this week while your on a higher calorie diet or this month because last month you did really bad.
• Get this through your head: There is NO magical diet, surgery or pill, there is NO magical tip or workout video, there is NO magical ANYTHING that will make you lose your weight effortlessly, quickly and without any sacrifices on your part. You MUST change your ways if you want to lose weight and stop being such a stubborn dork, you got yourself to where you are, you know how long it took you to put on that weight so why would it only take you a day or two to get it off and why should it be easy to get it off? 
• If you specifically avoid carbs/dairy/all sugars/all fats/all proteins and so on and yet you still are not losing weight, there is probably a reason. THAT DOES NOT WORK FOR YOU! I do not care if it worked for Miranda Kerr or even if it made Rosanne Barr drop the weight, you are not them and it is not going to make you skinny! You need to write everything you like, and everything you normally eat, and everything you eat day-to-day...this will help you figure out what you need to change (or what you can change) so you can slowly try to find the right foods for your body so you can lose weight. 
• There is a saying: You are what you eat. That is to say if you eat crap you will feel like crap. If you cannot name the ingredients just by looking at what you are eating then you should not be putting that trash into your body. 

Workouts for beginners:

• Elliptical at 80% resistance
• Stationary bike at level 5
• Treadmill 1.0 incline, 3.5 MPH with 4lb weights in both hands

If you are sore then stretch, if you are in pain then DO NOT WORKOUT until the pain is completely gone, this is your body trying to build and heal your muscles to make you stronger.

IF YOU ARE NOT raising the resistance, speed or pushing yourself harder/longer for each workout than the last time you went to the gym then you WILL NOT build endurance, strength and the workout will never get easier. 

IF you are building endurance than the higher resistance will be easier to do for longer periods of time, meaning you will be burning TONS of calories in no time at all. 

• Stretch AFTER working out and warm-up BEFORE your workouts
• Unless you are having a protein shake (30 minutes before the workout) you need to:
• Eat AFTER you workout, not before 
• workout in the MORNING so your metabolism is working and sped up all day