So I moved into that lady's house (I will call her Gayla) and last night was my second night there, but this is the first time on my computer (which is still at my parent's house).

Nothing good came out of going to Brentwood except the patients, I made some pretty cool friends :)

and... I am not so shy anymore, I am more talkative and open 

I am better about eating but I have completely cut binging out, which feels amazing.

I did go to the doctor yesterday and it turns out I have walking pneumonia and I think a cold on top of that but not sure because he did not say. 

I had to get 5 X-Rays, and an EKG done, blegh, but I got an inhaler and pills so it should clear up in about a month..

My mom picked me up from Gayla's and were at home now about to eat some Tilapia and Edemame, and then were going over to her friend's house to watch a movie with her 23-year-old son and niece. Fun. 

Really am leaving today

at exactly 2PM today (it is 4:30am right now) I will be at the hospital

Both of my parents--on separate occasions-- have admitted to being suicidal, and that they've been suicidal for a very long time and that they are at the point where they're hanging on by a thread.

My sister is moving out of her boyfriend's house and is going to move into this other lady and her husband's house, and once out of the hospital, I will be too. 

My mother's mother--my nanny--is having mysterious heart palpitations that the doctors can't figure out, and they just graphed a mole that could possibly be cancer so my mother is going to Arkansas to stay with her and take care of her, not only for my nanny but herself to, to make amends and right the wrongs. 

My dad has no idea about her wanting to go to Arkansas or me moving out and I am so scared

 I don't want to eat or sleep or breathe... I just want to close my eyes and for this to all be over  

I need someone, 

all my sister and the lady helping me get into the hospital want out of all of this is to get me back to a "confident point" where I'd be comfortable going back to school, making friends, being a normal teenager

as if after everything I have been through I could ever have or even want any of that,  please 

and all my mother can talk about... is "how much better" I am doing 

Ugh

I feel so disgusting after I eat, so impure! I hate it so much, I want it gone, I hate it, I hate every cell from my head to my feet, I hate that I am human and have to eat. I wish I could just wither away to nothing, that is all I want....


Why can't I starve without binging?

Burger patty: 320

Cheese: 170

Crackers: (7): 98

Soup: 70 calories

Total: 658

658 bloody calories, disgusting. 

I feel like my mind is slipping from me, it is all I ever think about anymore,

I don't want help, I don't want to go to the clinic, I want to starve and die