This post will be a little different, I have decided to write more like I did in my very first blog. I am not really personal, just whiny and obnoxious and I feel like I should blog how I used to. So here goes.
It is one of those mornings that you don't wake up to but rather greet with tired eyes, I have been awake all night again; not out of choice of course but because the dull ache in my heart refuses to fade. I am no longer looking forward to my workouts, or my yoga, and so I don't do anything; I have decided not eating would be easier than eating and working out...so I don't eat anymore. What was once a cold bite in this morning's air, is now a warmth that makes my stomach curl up in knots.
It really has been so long since I last felt connected, even now when I am surrounded by people I am left with nothing but the bitter taste of loneliness tainting my tongue. My mother is oblivious to everything of course, as she always is. There are so many band aids acting as blankets over our problems that I have long since lost the anger and resentment I held inside me. I can't be angry, I don't have the strength anymore. When I move around sometimes, my heart flutters making me light headed, sometimes I slump to the ground because my vision goes black. I don't want to be lesbian or bisexual, I want to be straight, I like the male presence... the strength and tenderness that a woman cannot compare to; and yet, here I am wanting the presence of a girl because I am sick and tired of being so heartbroken, sick and tired of the ugliness in the anatomy of the male's perspective. I don't want any of this. I want to watch my lover play video games just so I can pull them to me and make them cuddle for a while, and then fall asleep to Paper Moon.
I like this hunger, the pain begrudgingly creeping its way around my body, reminding me how good it feels to step on the scale and see the numbers drop; how good it used to feel to see a double digit number. I look in the mirror and see a distorted reflection of what was, is and isn't all at once and at the same time see nothing but a little girl making nothing into something. I can't help but listen to Ana's voice in which grows louder and what I used to control and force into my head just to bring Ana back is now out of my reach and controlling me. I'm slipping, my palms clammy and cold have nothing to grab to keep me afloat, my grades have been slipping and I see no hope. I see no future.
I have so many masks not even my dearest sister knows how deep I have gotten myself this time. My throat hurts, and I can't bring a smile to my face anymore or even pretend for my mother's sake. My heart is breaking, my life is falling apart, and I can't do anything except what I do best: shut down and fall deeper into my eating disorder as if it were the first time I got it all over again.
My Baby Kristen Stewart
If you don't like her than you're lying, and I don't really give a fuck.
~and she is rumoured to have been showing Anorexic tendencies as she has stated she is surviving on a diet of "Cigarettes, Red Bull and the occasional bag of potato crisps" (chips). Just saying.
