at exactly 2PM today (it is 4:30am right now) I will be at the hospital
Both of my parents--on separate occasions-- have admitted to being suicidal, and that they've been suicidal for a very long time and that they are at the point where they're hanging on by a thread.
My sister is moving out of her boyfriend's house and is going to move into this other lady and her husband's house, and once out of the hospital, I will be too.
My mother's mother--my nanny--is having mysterious heart palpitations that the doctors can't figure out, and they just graphed a mole that could possibly be cancer so my mother is going to Arkansas to stay with her and take care of her, not only for my nanny but herself to, to make amends and right the wrongs.
My dad has no idea about her wanting to go to Arkansas or me moving out and I am so scared
I don't want to eat or sleep or breathe... I just want to close my eyes and for this to all be over
I need someone,
all my sister and the lady helping me get into the hospital want out of all of this is to get me back to a "confident point" where I'd be comfortable going back to school, making friends, being a normal teenager
as if after everything I have been through I could ever have or even want any of that, please
and all my mother can talk about... is "how much better" I am doing
I've never met you and probably never will; in fact I only started following your blog a month or two ago. I've read back through some of your posts and it's obvious you've been through some really hard stuff. This sounds like such a difficult situation for you though, I can't even imagine. I've never met you but I'll be thinking of you while you go through whatever you need to to find yourself. I truly wish you all the best, from the bottom of my heart. Never, ever forget that there are always people out there thinking of you and hoping for you, even when you don't feel strong enough to do so yourself. I won't say good luck because I know you can do this. Stay strong and be who you need to be, but don't be afraid of becoming something more. All the best for this new part of your life.
ReplyDeletePS. If you really need to talk, I'd be happy to be in email contact with you, just as someone to rant at. I know that people can seem so cruel when they pass you off as 'just another' person to get through the hospital or wherever and back into 'normal life' as if it's as simple and straightforward as that. Just know that this stranger is willing to let you scream at them (even if it's just in bold/italic) and help you if they can.
Hey I just started following you read through your blog and I'm glad you are seeking help before this becomes a much bigger problem like say organ failure. Good Luck hun
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