So... I think I have a heart disease? I was lying in bed and walked to the living room to see what my mom wanted and mid-sentence my heart started pounding and I was seeing black, I put her hand to my chest, laughing it off saying, "told you my heart was being funny" she said nothing, just..dropped it. I mean it has done it in many cases besides that, like standing still...or sitting? I hope it kills me. 

I did... a very...very bad thing and it scares me. Even though I practically hate the world right now, anyway... 

I mentioned to my dad my mother wanted a divorce in a conversation about how their unhappiness shouldn't last much longer...and he said SOMETHING (she wouldn't tell me, flat out said to me face "I don't trust you, maybe I did once but things change and so have you") to her that made her realize he knew she was planning on divorcing him, and kept asking me and my sister if we said something, anything or if we knew anyone who could have.......I know I shouldn't feel so guilty, she constantly tells him after fights 

"well we should just get a divorce then"

"Fine then lets just get a divorce" 

"Well then we can just get a fucking divorce and you can go stay with your girlfriend you lying bastard" 

And yet here she is wondering why he has put two and two together that she is planning on leaving him. 

I feel trapped. So trapped. In this body. In this house. In this fucking world. I can't even cry anymore, I have held it in so long that even when I try to cry, the pain just deepens