Something New

I apologize for my inexplicable absence of late... To be honest there is really nothing new to add here, I may or may not have lost weight but I have noticed a sizable amount from my midsection's sides disappear.

I am not here to post about progress though; but rather I am here to say that I am not so adamant about making my whole life revolve around my "pro-ana" lifestyle in which is shown through my numerous blogs, folders of thinspo and desire to be a walking bone because I can't stand myself and I don't deserve food.

I have reconnected with God, and began to pray a lot recently and I can't shake the feeling that this blog and my encouragements to you to starve are...less than pleasing to God. 

I have thought about deleting it, changing it to a "pro-health", or whatever but I feel like neither were really good answers as this blog has obviously helped a lot of people get through some stuff or at least gave them a few tools to work through it on their own. 

So I will keep this blog up and running, but just know that when I make a post about anything it will be about healthy workout plans, healthy "diets", and healthy foods... I don't want to say I'm "cured" of my eating disorder because even that is pretty far-fetched. I still pass reflective surfaces and pinch my fat, I still feel sick when I see my fat, and I still struggle with making myself eat or making myself stop sometimes... 

But,

I refuse to encircle my life with "ANOREXIANOREXIANOREXIA" because that does not help me either, and I have found that the more I try to follow the "pro-ana" lifestyle the fatter I get because my eating disorder is not just starvation, it is binging too... So I am working on eating only healthy foods (I control the unhealthy crap in which I will allow to enter me)...

BOTTOM LINE:

I will still post here, just not as much and it won't be "pro-ana"-related; more so just healthy workouts and workout regimens, stress-relievers, detox diets, et cetra...

If you would like to follow my more inspirational blogs either to keep up with me or just because, then here are the links:

• http://christiscomingback.tumblr.com
• http://christiscomingagain.blogspot.com

I'm not naming this

First off: This post is both personal AND informational (in regards to losing weight)  so please skip to the "Tips" section if you want to skip the personal part! 

Anyway...

I am planning on studying to become a Health Coach and then going to college/university to become a Registered Dietitian and then Herbalist and Alternative Doctor...

It is a lot, and will probably take me anywhere from 5 to 15 years to complete everything but I am determined! In my research I have even found some great ways to help you lose weight...

TIPS SECTION:

• Your lifestyle, happiness, stress levels, spiritual standing (if your at peace or not), and even love life all have more effect on your overall health and weight than your diet does. 
• No diet in existence will work for every single person, what may help me lose 50 pounds in a mere month could only allow you to lose 2 or even make you gain weight. Find what suits and works for your individual needs and your own body. You know what makes you bloated, gassy, and feel guilty/fat/sick/heavy... and you know what makes you feel strong, thin, light etc. so use that knowledge to help you.
• You do not lose weight long-term on any diet, you have to make a lifestyle change. A lifestyle change means getting rid of processed foods or meat or candy or coffee (et cetra) forever not just for a week or two; a lifestyle change means be more active in everything you do (taking the stairs, riding your bike etc.) for your health not just for weight loss and keeping this behaviour up for the rest of your life NOT just for this week while your on a higher calorie diet or this month because last month you did really bad.
• Get this through your head: There is NO magical diet, surgery or pill, there is NO magical tip or workout video, there is NO magical ANYTHING that will make you lose your weight effortlessly, quickly and without any sacrifices on your part. You MUST change your ways if you want to lose weight and stop being such a stubborn dork, you got yourself to where you are, you know how long it took you to put on that weight so why would it only take you a day or two to get it off and why should it be easy to get it off? 
• If you specifically avoid carbs/dairy/all sugars/all fats/all proteins and so on and yet you still are not losing weight, there is probably a reason. THAT DOES NOT WORK FOR YOU! I do not care if it worked for Miranda Kerr or even if it made Rosanne Barr drop the weight, you are not them and it is not going to make you skinny! You need to write everything you like, and everything you normally eat, and everything you eat day-to-day...this will help you figure out what you need to change (or what you can change) so you can slowly try to find the right foods for your body so you can lose weight. 
• There is a saying: You are what you eat. That is to say if you eat crap you will feel like crap. If you cannot name the ingredients just by looking at what you are eating then you should not be putting that trash into your body. 

Workouts for beginners:

• Elliptical at 80% resistance
• Stationary bike at level 5
• Treadmill 1.0 incline, 3.5 MPH with 4lb weights in both hands

If you are sore then stretch, if you are in pain then DO NOT WORKOUT until the pain is completely gone, this is your body trying to build and heal your muscles to make you stronger.

IF YOU ARE NOT raising the resistance, speed or pushing yourself harder/longer for each workout than the last time you went to the gym then you WILL NOT build endurance, strength and the workout will never get easier. 

IF you are building endurance than the higher resistance will be easier to do for longer periods of time, meaning you will be burning TONS of calories in no time at all. 

• Stretch AFTER working out and warm-up BEFORE your workouts
• Unless you are having a protein shake (30 minutes before the workout) you need to:
• Eat AFTER you workout, not before 
• workout in the MORNING so your metabolism is working and sped up all day

Update: 09 October

I don't know why I am so depressed, honestly just a few days ago I was happy.. and now? I am all but dead inside.

I don't know what makes me feel more sick: my sister telling me she is stressed to her breaking point or this stupid lovesick crush I have on this stupid guy. He is a nice guy of course but it is not even something that could even be considered to be considered!

 

I am just so sick of life right now.

 

My sister and I went to Arkansas to visit her aunt, grandmother and cousin (on her dad's side -- no relation to myself) and it was so nice...slow paced, rural and the scenery was breathtaking! Every where you look trees, open pastures with cows and horses, ponds, lakes all glittering with golden light ... the entire backdrop being mountains. It reminded me that this world does have some beauty left.. does have something...good left...

 

 

**note that I did not take these pictures but I went to this mountain and saw this same scenery**

 

but then we left and came home and I could feel all my past thoughts and discretions coming back to haunt me, my heart hurts at the slightest give, allowing it all to flow through and overwhelm me.

 

I am so sick of seeing Bs on my progress report, I want As, and I am stressed out over my mother, I am stressed out over school, I am stressed out because I want this to all just end! No matter how good I may feel for a week or two...it isn't enough... I will never be happy until I am bones and dust, rotting six feet under.

 

I carved the words 'worthless' and 'fat' into my legs and they've finally healed but that is all I seem to hear anymore, and it is so easy to fake a smile and convince people that you are happy, even those who you spend nearly every day with. I am so glad it is winter too, maybe now I can get away with wearing pants all the time and not feel so guilty about raising suspicion.

 

Is it...wrong of me to be mad at my sister? Everytime she says she is stressed out or upset she drags my mother into it like she knows what it has been like... she has not lived with this for the past 6 or so years and she always tries to play it like it was so much worse when she had to go through it but it wasn't. I can't go to the doctor or dentist, I don't get deoderant or shampoo when I ask for it.

 

I am just sick of people feeling bad for her and bring my mother into it. Like oh boohoo! Your mom gambles and it had no effect what-so-ever on you, lets throw a pity party for you while your sister has to deal with this in silent pain!

 

 

And I swear to god if anyone refers to my brother as her brother like he is just her brother I will scream bloody murder.

 

Oh poor thing your brother is in Afghan? That must be so hard on you and your mother...

 

HELLO?! HE'S MY DAMN BROTHER TOO

 

That is evil of me and I will probably go to Hell just for thinking that way but

 

dammit stop it!

 

STOP telling everyone about our mother like you are the one dealing with it, stop telling people about me like it directly affects you just shut UP

 

I am so SICK of people pitying me. I give enough of that to myself as it is, I don't need it from anyone else who has no idea about the situation or how damn hard it is to have to look into your mother's eyes and know that she has stabbed you in the back and enjoyed it.

 

And I am so SICK of people telling me I cannot be mad, that I have to be there for her and love her and pretend it never happened, to just forgive her!

 

I don't want to, and I can't.

 

Now I know why so many families turn their backs on relatives with addictions...

 

And ... no one seems to feel the way I do..

 

I feel like I am dying inside trying to fight off these demons and convince everyone that I am okay and just so worried for my sister (which I do genuinely worry for and care about her but...she has, and always will be, the one everyone notices and cares about).

 

Not to mention it is so damn hard listening to her passive aggressively mention how bad at my diet I am, and how she is so "big" when she is so tiny.. so what I must just be fucking king kong to you huh? asshole