Today's Update

I slept most of the day away though I did wake up 7 or so times and each time I went to the kitchen (because I was hungry) but, I didn't eat, but it was more so because I don't want to eat, not because I told myself I shouldn't. 

I love when I am like this, it is so easy to not eat; I honestly feel I could go weeks without eating and not once feel tempted. I just hope it lasts 

In a few hours (7) I will be on day 2 of my fast at like...9 am 

I have not been eating much these past few days anyway, the most I eat is in one meal per day and it is usually 400-600 calories for the entire day (still a lot of calories but not compared to my binge relapses). 

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Then again this could all be due to the pills I am taking, they're for my ear infection so they aren't diet pills or anything but whatever is in them has my appetite shot. 

I'm so sick of being this obese...thing, my disease has become me... it does not let me leave me house or hang out with friends.. I can't even go to my sister's house without contemplating every possible thing (feeling insecure the entire time, getting offered food or drink with calories and giving in...etc.) and yet I have nothing to show for it except fat fat fAT FAT FAT 

I haven't weighed myself in so long, and I am fucking petrified just thinking about it and the more I think, the more my body rejects the thought of food because I want to weigh myself but can't because I am afraid of the numbers and am hoping just one more day of dieting will make them go down before I see them.... 

Excuse this post, trying to practice my mediocre french

je suis d'apprentissage français

je ne sais pas beaucoup , mais je suis trying mon best

anyway

j'ai been listening to musique française et je found this superbe chanson de ce groupe appelé Eskemo ... Je suis seul...

je l'adore ! (the lead singer that is..)

voici quelques thinspo de lui

Oh don't touch me ;~~~; 

Listing things that make me sick for future ref.

• Ice cream
• Packaged meats (hamburger patties, chicken etc.)
• Bread (pizza, potpie crust, any bread basically..)

I don't really know much else that makes me sick, I only recently started documenting what foods I ate before I start to feel nauseous/in pain. 

In case you did not notice.. .I messed up my water diet earlier because my mother cooked me a burger patty (that sounds so disgusting?) and then I had to take my pills so I got a scoop of ice cream which was a bad idea so I used a slice of bread and oh dear god I wish I could throw up just to get this feeling of nausea to go the hell AWAY! I knew what this stuff did to me and yet I always binge on it!? UGH

Restarted at 11 pm something but decided to set it at 12 am so fast started at 12:00 am and its 1:24 am now.. Blrhgiohd