*taps mic* Hello?

140.0

I have been jumping back and forth from 140.7 and 141.0 for the past 3 days and I am just about to pull my hair out I am so ready to be in the 130s and making progress again   --

 plateaus suck, S-U-C-K, suck. 

I realize I have been here before, and yes, it has, embarrassingly, taken me this long (about 1 or 4 years?) to get BACK here. 

Because no matter how much I starved, I still struggled with binges -- luckily I no longer have that problem and it has only taken me 6 weeks to drop from 151.2 to 140.0 

...

Ah sweet bliss, I am finally making and seeing small amounts of progress .. a small reward from my seemingly endless suffering. 

No idea how much damage I have done to my body or metabolism! Which is what makes the weight loss (or lack, thereof) so infuriating for me. 

I just hope I don't jinx anything and it keeps falling off. 

30 Jan

I know no one wants me to delete this blog, so I won't, but I feel kind of weighed down by it so I created another one strictly for Accountability; of which I will make public in a week or so.

I update it much more often, almost daily, and there will be no personal rants there; mainly it will focus on the diets that I am on at any point in time, and not tips, thinspo or random new diets I find.

The reason I'm reluctant to make it public is because it documents my current weight and I will be posting body checks there at the end of each diet... 

So if you're interested I'll be posting the link soon, and after that I will avoid posting here  

25 January

I feel disgusting and unhappy; I wish it were possible to sleep while you starved, even if that meant feeling the pain without being able to do anything about it -- I'd take that any day over this.

I have small fasting goals set for this week

1. 24 hours

2. 48 hours

3. 72 hours

4. 96 hours

5. 168 hours

I'll tick off each one as I complete them...

I'm not comfortable sharing my weight or anything like that right now, 

I do have a therapy session this Monday, which I guess I'm happy about; it'll give me a chance to get all my problems with my father out into the open. Also, and the main reason I'm agreeing to this, it will be a good distraction while I'm fasting. 

I really want to write a book, satirical maybe, chronicling the horrifically awful journey through an eating disorder and what it does to you psychologically, emotionally, and physically. Not from the perspective of a Girl/Guy recovered, just a person simply suffering through this awful thing; and definitely no plots or anything like Winter Girls -- I want to write something raw and real. 

I know I used to be one of the very girls I'm about to condemn, but oh well, I've changed:

I can't stand when people refer to Anorexia, EDNOS, and Bulimia as a "friend" or an actual person; yes, it can manifest as thoughts or a voice in your head, but that doesn't separate it from you. Don't disassociate so much that you convince yourself it's some chick trying to help get you to your goal weight so you can be thin. It's not.

It's a thing. A mental illness. And it will kill you, fat, skinny, it doesn't matter. It. Will. Kill. You.

I can't believe it has already been 5 years since this really spiraled; I mean it has always been there in the sense that I would skip meals to control my emotions or other people, or whatever, and I've always been very body-conscious... but it was never something. It didn't turn into a never-ending cycle of fast-restrict-binge until then. 

That doesn't matter now though I suppose. 

I'm going to be 18 this year and that scares me so bad... I just want to hide from the world and go back to when I was a child -- I don't want to think about it or feel anything. I wish it would all just go away.

Is this relevant? I have a guy who is thinking about marrying me...