25 January

I feel disgusting and unhappy; I wish it were possible to sleep while you starved, even if that meant feeling the pain without being able to do anything about it -- I'd take that any day over this.

I have small fasting goals set for this week

1. 24 hours

2. 48 hours

3. 72 hours

4. 96 hours

5. 168 hours

I'll tick off each one as I complete them...

I'm not comfortable sharing my weight or anything like that right now, 

I do have a therapy session this Monday, which I guess I'm happy about; it'll give me a chance to get all my problems with my father out into the open. Also, and the main reason I'm agreeing to this, it will be a good distraction while I'm fasting. 

I really want to write a book, satirical maybe, chronicling the horrifically awful journey through an eating disorder and what it does to you psychologically, emotionally, and physically. Not from the perspective of a Girl/Guy recovered, just a person simply suffering through this awful thing; and definitely no plots or anything like Winter Girls -- I want to write something raw and real. 

I know I used to be one of the very girls I'm about to condemn, but oh well, I've changed:

I can't stand when people refer to Anorexia, EDNOS, and Bulimia as a "friend" or an actual person; yes, it can manifest as thoughts or a voice in your head, but that doesn't separate it from you. Don't disassociate so much that you convince yourself it's some chick trying to help get you to your goal weight so you can be thin. It's not.

It's a thing. A mental illness. And it will kill you, fat, skinny, it doesn't matter. It. Will. Kill. You.

I can't believe it has already been 5 years since this really spiraled; I mean it has always been there in the sense that I would skip meals to control my emotions or other people, or whatever, and I've always been very body-conscious... but it was never something. It didn't turn into a never-ending cycle of fast-restrict-binge until then. 

That doesn't matter now though I suppose. 

I'm going to be 18 this year and that scares me so bad... I just want to hide from the world and go back to when I was a child -- I don't want to think about it or feel anything. I wish it would all just go away.

Is this relevant? I have a guy who is thinking about marrying me... 

I want to delete this blog

There are plenty out there to replace me, I never post.. .and to be honest I'm pretty paranoid someone I care about is going to find this one day... :(

Chocolate Mono

I'm back! I want to go back to delete all my old posts--but I won't, for the sake of nostalgia.

Today I am only eating boiled eggs (I had 7, and I am not eating anymore, I am also working out to burn off as many calories as possible); tomorrow begins my 7-day Chocolate Mono Diet.

The idea is that for 7 days you consume nothing but chocolate and water; the chocolate cannot have anything like nuts, nugget, crisps in it (if you melt the chocolate in your mouth, it should all be smooth); this also means: no pudding, frosting, syrups or anything like that. Filled-chocolate bars and chocolate candies like Mars, M&Ms, caramel, creme etc. are allowed but they slow down progress. For optimal results it is best to just eat plain chocolate (milk, dark, white) and, if you can, buy chocolate that is either really high in Cocoa or made with Cacao.  

Rules:

• Get as much sleep as you can (8-10 hours)
• Drink a minimum of 2L of water per day
• Try to stay between 400-600g of chocolate per day

This is not a diet based on calorie consumption or deprivation; the theory is that your body becomes unable to absorb the calories in the chocolate, trying it's hardest to absorb what it needs and then passing it through undigested (ick).

This has a high success rate that garuntees -7 pounds in 7 days; that is what I am aiming for, but am hoping for more.

ALSO I broke my fasting record and made it to 9 days!! I was so excited. 

I don't know my current weight, but will disclose it first thing tomorrow before I eat any chocolate

______________

My total net intake for today is 369 kcal xxx